This is a post originally published on my food blog, The Empty Kitchen. On another note, I’m thinking of resurrecting that blog. What do you think?
My daughter has recently discovered the Care Bears. I couldn’t be happier. I love the Care Bears! They’re cute, come in multiple colors, and one of them has a cupcake as his tummy symbol!
- Not as sweet as they seem
Unfortunately, my brain has gone where it shouldn’t go. While reading the books and watching the DVDs, I could not help but start to think of all the poor, rejected Care Bears that so very badly want to live in Care-a-Lot but the Care Bears, wanting to keep the seedy element in another part of town and having a lengthy list of rules for acceptable Care Bear behavior, have exiled these wannabes to neighboring island of the Land of Misfit Toys:
Convict Bear–the local criminal element. The original exiled Care Bear. Known for assaulting others with unwanted Care Bear stares and stealing clouds. He is black and white striped and his tummy sign is jail bars.
Porn Star Bear and her cousin, Stripper Bear–exiled for corrupting the minds and bodies of the male (and some female) Care Bears and violating the morality clause in the home owners association of Care-a-Lot. Porn Star bear is off-white and her tummy symbol is a bed; Stripper Bear is gold and her tummy symbol is (obviously) a pole.
Glam Bear–a true 80s throwback, Glam Bear loves hair band music, especially Poison and Motley Crüe. Known for driving an unnecessarily flashy car, he was exiled for dress code violations, specifically wearing spandex and way too much eyeliner. Glam Bear is blue with black zebra strips and his tummy symbol is star-shaped sunglasses.
Mullet Bear–Glam Bear’s sworn enemy. He was also exiled for dress code violations, except he prefers sleeveless flannel shirts and rocking a really awful Dee Snider mullet. Mullet Bear is mud brown and his tummy symbol is a Trans Am.
Spinster Bear–lives alone in a dark, creepy house surrounded by 1400 cats. She was exiled for never marrying or having Care Bear offspring, an essential tenet of the Care Bear Code. She is gray and her tummy symbol is a cat.
Jersey Bear–idolizes Snooki (an exileable offense in its own right). In fact, she looks like Snooki. She was exiled, like Glam Bear and Mullet Bear, for dress code violations. Instead of a regulation tuft of hair, Jersey Bear has coiffed her hair into a poof. She was originally beige but after applying way too much tanner, she is now more of an orange. Her tummy symbol is the state of New Jersey.
Smart Ass Bear–exiled for violating the cheery and sweet manner in which Care Bears are required to speak. Loves the Michael Scott phrase “That’s what she said”. Smart Ass Bear is red and his tummy symbol is a set of rolling eyes.
Midlife Crisis Bear–this poor guy was living the perfect Care Bear life until one day, he realized that he wanted a younger Care Bear wife, a sports car and his hair was falling out. He started frequenting Stripper Bear’s workplace and was exiled for violating the Care Bear morality clause, as well as the penguin clause stating that each Care Bear will mate with only one other Care Bear. Midlife Crisis Bear is light gray, has a comb-over, and his tummy symbol is a Porsche.
Thrifty Bear–the only bear to be exiled for his financial status. Thrifty Bear loves a good bargain, manages his money and is completely debt free. This made the other Care Bears jealous and they threw him out. He has appealed the sentence and is currently awaiting his reinstatement hearing. Thrifty Bear is green and his tummy symbol is a dollar sign intertwined with a coupon.
Those are the names of the exiled Care Bears that the President of Care-a-Lot will make public. I have submitted a FOIA request for the others.
The one thing that struck me was how often they were exiled for dress code violations. Kind of strange for a bunch of bears that walk around naked…
