I recently read a post on Bible Money Matters, Should You Reveal Your Debt to Family and Friends. Melissa mentioned that by discussing her debt on her blog (Mom’s Plans), it got a reaction from her mother, which went from concerned to confidence that Melissa and her husband had control over their situation. It got me thinking about how I handled myself when I was deep in debt and why I chose not to share the extent of the problem with family and friends. It was a difficult, personal decision not to talk about it because for me, talking about those types of issues makes me feel better. Talking to people who have been there (or are in the same situation) gives me ideas as to how to proceed in my journey. It’s a relief to not hold those kinds of secrets to myself. But this was a situation where I really wrestled with myself as to how much to reveal.
One reason we opted not to share was because we didn’t think anyone would believe us. On the surface, it didn’t seem like we were struggling. We were able to make our mortgage payment and our bills, buy necessities like gas, diapers and formula, and we both had full-time jobs that provided health and dental insurance. But underneath, it was a different story. We often had only $30 to feed the both of us for 2, sometimes 3 weeks. We could not afford new clothes or shoes or even winter coats (it was during this time that I discovered eBay. The money I saved buying clothes and coats from eBay allowed us each to buy a pair of shoes). We were struggling to make the minimum payments on our credit cards and often had to juggle payments, and make some utility payments late. We opted to make the utility payments late rather than the credit cards because the penalty was much less. We had no money to make very necessary home repairs, have any fun other than what could be done within the four walls of our house (or for free at the park or library). We would have to save for a month just to make a trip to Long Island to visit family, and often, my dad would slip us some money for gas and tolls on the way back because he had an idea of how we were struggling.
My dad was perhaps the only one who knew the extent to which we were struggling. We had each revealed a little bit to other family members (our friends were absolutely clueless as to our situation. We got around a lot of things by saying we had no babysitter rather than saying we having no money) but no one knew how bad it really was until later, when we were coming out the other side and finally decided to talk about it. We kept the information to ourselves because we also didn’t want to make anyone uncomfortable. Sometimes, hearing about someone else’s debt (whether it’s a friend, co-worker, family member) can make the listening party feel awkward and weird. Many, if not most people, don’t like to talk about money and hearing that someone has between $50-$60K of debt or can’t afford to buy food or make a payment on time is not always the easiest information to digest. It’s hard to come up with appropriate words when someone tells you she can’t afford to eat. Hearing about someone else’s debt makes people squeamish and I didn’t want to be the one to put others in that situation.
There was yet another reason we chose not to share. We were embarrassed. Here we were, 2 Master’s educated adults with full-time jobs and we couldn’t get our finances together. We were ashamed that we couldn’t control our spending and that we had amassed such a large amount of consumer debt on…well, we’re still not quite sure where our money went except for our car. We were mortified that we couldn’t do anything except live paycheck to paycheck. We were humiliated that it was such a struggle to provide basic necessities and that we constantly had to pay late fees because we couldn’t pay anything on time. To have to admit that to people whose opinions we respected was just too difficult.
I can’t say that had we told people what was going on, the process would have been any easier or less stressful. I can’t say that it would have been less humiliating. I do know that it would have given us a greater support system and maybe we underestimated the understanding we would have gotten from our families and friends. But I am not sure that I could have dealt with the judgment that would have been passed because of the situation.
How about you? Did you share your debt with friends and family?
