It’s not a secret around these parts that I have depression. And lately, for reasons I cannot explain (but wish I could), it’s been coming at me in full force. As in, I’m chronically tired, have no motivation to do anything (including eat), randomly burst into tears at inappropriate moments, and generally don’t give a shit about anything. I’m doing my best to fake it, mostly for my kid, but I’m pretty sure at this point, even she can tell something is off.
I haven’t felt this bad in a long, long time. And the harder I try to feel better, the worse it gets. My husband suggested that I look into getting a new therapist and, because he has to live with me, I think it’s probably a good idea. However, our new insurance starts in less than 3 weeks so it’s just a better choice to wait it out than start and have to switch everything with the doctor’s office.
Which leaves me three weeks of floundering.
And it means I need to take some time off from blogging.
I just can’t keep up right now. The linkups and the posting and the commenting and all the other stuff, it’s just too overwhelming. And then I get frustrated and upset and angry and all the self-doubt and negative self-talk set in which sets off the depression even more.
It’s an ugly cycle. One I’m trying to break.
There’s also this: I have lost my blogging way. When I started blogging in 2011, I knew my purpose. I knew why I wanted to write and what I wanted to write about and I didn’t care about stats, likes, shares, comments, and followers. I wrote to get my message out. I wrote because I love writing. I wrote because I have an innate need to do so. And the last year, it’s gone awry. I don’t know who I’m writing for anymore or what my message is. I care about things that shouldn’t mean anything and don’t care about the things that do. The quality of my posts is declining and I’m becoming way too apathetic to be any sort of decent blogger.
You guys, my beloved and amazing readers, deserve more than that.
I figure this is a great time to take a break. My daughter is off from school for two weeks, my husband has an entire week (9 days, if you count the weekends) off from work, and I’d like to enjoy being with my family every day instead of spending hours on the computer (something that I absolutely do because blogging, when it’s not giving me anxiety, is pretty damn fun). Not only that, I need to regain my purpose, my message, my reason for blogging.
I can only do that if I step away.
Even though I won’t be here, I’ll be hard at work. I have plans and ideas that I’m fleshing out and when I do return, after New Year’s, I hope you’ll still be here and be able to reap the benefits of my hard work. I don’t want to give too much away but suffice it to say, the stuff that’s coming? It’ll be worth the wait.
I’m not going away entirely. You might find me commenting on your blogs and I’ll still be sharing links on Facebook, posting pictures on Instagram, occasionally stopping by Twitter, and if you’re on Pinterest, you can follow me (and join my Blogging Friends group board. If you want. No pressure) so you won’t have to miss me too much.
Thanks for everything you’ve given to me this year. The support, the love, the friendships. My blogging experience has shifted so much over the last year and I’m excited for the direction it’s going. I can’t wait to share it with you.
Have a wonderful Christmas, a happy New Year, and I’ll see you soon!
Sorry to hear your going through a hard time again Jana. I always think this time of year especially can be tough on people, especially if you’re vulnerable to begin with. Take all the time you need and just sending you good thoughts my friend.
Tonya@Budget and the Beach recently posted…I May Not Have Everything I Want…
Oh Jana I’m so sorry. I hope this break is good for you. please let me know if there is anything I can do! Big hugs xoxo
kristen recently posted…I’ll be home for Christmas…
Oh Jana, I can so relate to this. I’ve never suffered from depression (that I know of) but I’ve been feeling so listless and out of sorts these days that I’m beginning to wonder. I know my blog is suffering from my apathy and lack of energy, but I just don’t care all that much. I’ve been blogging off and on for something like 8 years, but I’m seriously considering shutting it down.
Sarah @ Beauty School Dropout recently posted…An open house, a parade, a case of the 4-year-old gimmes
So sorry to hear you are struggling! But I totally get it, sometimes you just need time to retreat and regroup. Take good care of yourself and get as much rest as you possibly can. Enjoy your time with family and we look forward to seeing your posts again in the new year! And if you ever need to talk, you know where to find me! 🙂 ::Hugs::
Julia recently posted…Firmoo
Goddess speed and God bless. Healing lights and love to you! May you find what you need! Have the happiest holidays that you can!
Love, SMD’s momma
It sounds like you know what you need. I hope the time off with your family (and lots of quality time it sounds) helps. Hugs!
Kate recently posted…A very festive housewarming
*hugs* always *hugs*
Do what is best for you.
shanendoah recently posted…No Matter Who You Know, Your Resume MATTERS
I have struggled with depression my whole life so I completely understand what you are going through. The one thing I have found that helps me when I start getting that way…exercise. I know everyone says it but those endorphins really do make a difference:)
Analisa recently posted…I’m magic…
Enjoy your break!
You have my number or email if you want to talk! MFD goes through the periods of depression that are worse than the daily depression so I get it from the other side. Love you!
SMD @ Life According to Steph recently posted…Thursday Thoughts
Many hugs. I hope that the break gives you the space and time that you need. Don’t worry about us, we’ll be around and happy to welcome you back when you’re ready!
Revanche recently posted…Homemaking: The Lazy Edition
Many hugs to you. Enjoy your break, regroup, relax, and hopefully a new doc will help, too!
Kara recently posted…Pickled Cabbage Salad
Hope the time away helps and we will be here when you get back.
Kerry recently posted…Best Songs of 2014
Hope the break does you good for your mental, physical, and emotional health! Would never want blogging to be the reason you have anxiety or feel pressured by it. Merry Christmas, Jana!
lisacng @ expandng.com recently posted…His & Her beer reviews: Lindeman’s Framboise Lambic
I hope the time away helps you get back to being healthy. Take care, Jana!
Amanda @ My Life, I Guess recently posted…My Health is More Important Than $40
I’m sorry to hear you are struggling right now. I hope that this break provide you some relief. You know my email, feel free to reach out to me if you need to talk/vent/hear something stupid or funny. Hugs!
Nadine recently posted…Confessions
I’m so sorry. 🙁 I’m having health issues (more physically then mentally) and after a few scheduled posts for next week, I’m taking a few weeks off of blogging too. I feel like this is always a good time of year to step back. Enjoy your family and get the rest and relaxation you need.
Christina recently posted…Fifth Ave Holiday Windows
I’m sorry you’re going through this rough patch, girl. :/ I suffer from depression and anxiety so I totally get it, unfortunately. It’s been a while since I’ve had a bad flare up but trust me… I know how you’re feeling. I’m here if you ever need to talk!
Amanda recently posted…My Favorite Christmas Jams
I am so sorry you are feeling so awful. I have been there, and believe it or not, changing my diet radically after suspecting an undiagnosed Celiac (later confirmed by the doc) actually helped. I had no idea why, I thought it might be because my problem was connected with my Chronic Fatigue, until I read Chris Kresser’s articles about it: http://chriskresser.com/?s=depression
I know that doing even everyday stuff feels overwhelming during a flare-up, let alone making big changes; but perhaps you can find something that resonates with you in one of these articles, and maybe when you feel up to it, start making small changes and see how you feel. I know that what motivated me was that I felt I had nothing to lose, because it couldn’t possibly get worse.
I don’t know you, but I really want to give you a hug. Keep strong, you can beat this. And know you are not alone!
I hope you can find some joy in the holiday season with your family, once you remove undue stress. Take care.
Elisa recently posted…Christmas DIY decor for the craft-impaired
It has been fun following your blog posts. However its always nice to have some time off to refresh and get back yo your roots.
Amos recently posted…2015: The Year Your Watch and Fridge Start Sending Money Overseas?
Happy New Year and you know we will be around whenever you’re ready to come back :).
Sally recently posted…In 2015, Learn by Positive Example