It’s not often that I get fired up about any particular topic. But when I do, I fly hot. So sit back and hold on because this is one of those times. Note: I am fully prepared for some of you to disagree with me. That is fine. I welcome dissenting opinions. But please be respectful. Any personal attacks, threats, or nastiness that goes above and beyond common social courtesy and decency will be deleted.
I hate blog posts that break down the value of a stay at home mom (or working moms, though working moms usually get part-time salaries). I hate them for many reasons. First of all, all of those jobs that are used (chauffeur, doctor, personal chef, psychiatrist, etc)? Are bullshit. They are all part and parcel of being a mom and to break them down into separate components essentially eliminates the role of a mother. Why do writers feel the need to compartmentalize the complex and sophisticated job of a mother in order to attach a dollar figure? It’s ridiculous.
How do they even come up with these job titles anyway? Do they sit down and think about everything that they believe a mom should be doing in her day and equate some random profession to it? Do they have a master list that they use and think “Hmm. This could fit. Let’s add that!” And the salaries that they attach to some of the “jobs” are just as insane as assigning the job titles. “Mom” is enough of a title; just that word alone conjures up a specific job description. There’s no need to assign anything else to it.
And while we’re on the subject of money, why does the title of mom even need a salary? Speaking as a mother, being someone’s mother cannot be attached to any sort of salary. There is no way I can put a price tag on the look my daughter gives me when she says “I love you, Mommy” or the time we spend reading books, playing games or even arguing about her going to bed. How can you quantify something that is not quantifiable? I don’t care how many “finance experts” tell me that when I’m talking to my daughter about a problem with her friend, I’m acting as a psychiatrist. I’m not. I don’t charge her by the minute or make her lie down on the couch. No, I sit there and listen to her and I don’t expect any sort of financial compensation in return. Why? I’m her mother. That’s what I’m supposed to do.
Let’s move on from the money aspect for a moment. I may be completely oversensitive (which is actually true) but I find those types of posts to be a slap in the face to working moms. A mother who works outside the home is no less valuable to her family than a mother who stays home. Working in an office or store or in a courtroom or wherever does not make those moms exempt from cooking, cleaning/laundry, helping with homework, driving kids to activities. They still do all of those things for their kids, they just do them in a more compressed time frame. Sometimes, just sometimes , maybe working moms understand what precious few hours they have with their kids and use that for quality time rather than taking advantage of it. How is that not valuable to their families? (And, yes, I know a lot of SAHMs who spend way less quality time with their kids than working moms as well as the other way around.)
But I think what really fires me up the most is the fact that when bloggers and finance experts write those kinds of posts, it deepens the already large divide between working moms and SAHMs. I am convinced that the media-created “Mommy Wars” were constructed to sell books and make for good headlines. The Mommy Wars does nothing but fuel jealousy and competitiveness amongst women. We already do that enough to ourselves. Why do we need the media manufacturing something else to make it worse? We don’t, and I wish a lot of these people would back off. Because no one wins. No matter what, some moms are going to feel superior and some are going to feel guilty.I’m tired of women having to feel like they have to explain whatever decision they’ve made and I’m even more disgusted with the shame that is often attached to those decisions. Why is that? It’s wrong and it’s sickening. No one should ever have to defend her choice and what’s best for her family to anyone else.
Like in the 1% vs. 99% debate, neither side is completely right. Every woman has to choose what works best for her family. If that means staying home, great! If that means working outside the home, great! But for finance writers and bloggers to quantify, or assign a salary to, the job of mother (SAHM or working) is wrong and insulting. Because no matter what, we all add value to our families in ways that go beyond dollar signs.
Jan,
Wow, you are a little fired up. Here is a little different twist to wanting to become a stay at home Mom – which you said is OK.. Instead of the salary of a SAHM how about the “Cost of working” A guest on our 40-week video series, “Becoming Debt Free, God’s Way” Talks about cutting expenses to stay home and the real cost of working and especially with day care costs of $2100 in the Denver, Colorado area for two kids. http://www.debtfreesquad.com/jonni_part2-1/ You will never convince me that a person working 10+ hours a day will spend more TIME with their children than a stay at home parent. (Maybe quality time in a very few cases.) When Jonni McCoy would sit down with parent’s and crunch the numbers their were many women who were losing money by working believe it or not. I did like your post and it will probably get many comments. At the end of the day I believe that if a parent is home when the kids go to school and come home it is the best situation for the family. I do realize it is difficult to do on a single income but it can be done – even in 2012. We all need to learn to live within our means. Not too many years ago my wife and I were $150,000 in debt, not including the mortgage and are now debt free with the exception of the mortgage. Much less strife in the house without DEBT.
Jeff
Debt Free Squad
Jeff Ehrlich recently posted…Lesson #19 Part 3 Jonni McCoy: The Cost of a Job
Jeff, I agree with your point that for many women, working actually costs money. However, for many women, working is necessary for reasons beyond money. There are some women who are not meant to stay home, though they are usually made to feel ashamed to say so. A mother who is miserable at home is not doing anyone in her family any good; it’s probably better if she does something outside the home. Not every decision should be based solely on money.
And personally, I feel that quality time is way more important than quantity of time. Just because a mother spends 10 extra hours a day occupying the same space as her child or children doesn’t actually mean that they’re spending time together. You will never convince me that a SAHM is necessarily a better, more involved parent.
Jana,
This article will get some good conversation going. I agree it is wrong to make someone feel bad if they choose to work over stay home with the children. But equally wrong to treat a stay at home parent as a 2nd class citizen. “Oh, she/he doesn’t work and is off every day.” I don’t think so. I would not have been the best stay at home Dad but did attend their events, coached their teams as they grew up and spent alot of quality time with them even though I worked 12 hour days. I will forward to my daughter, Cori so she can give a little input. They are both Captains in the Air Force and are pilots making the same income. They both discussed having a stay at home parent if they were to ever have a child so made a joint decision to learn to live on one income from the get go. Well she recently had our 1st grandson and will be separating from the Air Force next week. Giving up a very good salary to stay home is a big sacrifice. In many homes the wife makes more than the husband and if they want one to stay home it can be the Dad as Travis mentions above. I am not saying a stay at home parent is better than a working parent and in fact many parent’s should not have had kids in the 1st place. I respectfully disagree that 1 hour of quality time is better than occupying space for 10 hours which is pretty tough to do when they are preschool age. When are 31 year old son comes to stay with us even if he seems to ignore us alot it is just nice having him around the house. Love this dialouge.
Jeff
Jeff Ehrlich recently posted…Lesson #19 Part 3 Jonni McCoy: The Cost of a Job
I don’t know a single person who treats or has treated a SAHM like a second class citizen. If I did hear that, I’d step up and defend the SAHM.
It’s great that your son and daughter-in-law discussed her being a SAHM and it’s great that they can pull it off.
I think we’re going to have to agree to disagree on the quality vs. quanity with regard to time.
I totally agree with your point about such posts pitting stay at home moms against working moms. Both “kinds” of moms are equally responsible for their children and fill all the roles of is required to be one.
I think, though, that the real point (outside of the above) is to negate those who think that stay at home moms just sit on their butts all day while they let their kids watch TV – which is certainly not true.
The thing that makes me “burn hot” is quite frankly that they use the word “mom.” No credit is given to fathers in any sense in these kind of posts. It’s as if we don’t even exist. I’m a very involved father to rather takes offense to posts and people that assume the mother does it all (Not saying that yours does, but I have read some).
ParentS is plural. 🙂
Travis @Debtchronicles recently posted…Do You Remember?
I agree with you, Travis. Fathers do get the short end of the stick when it comes to writers acknowledging their involvement and contributions to their families. I’d write a post about it but I’m not a father 🙂 You’re more than welcome to post your perspective in a guest post if you want!
I see your side that the point of the posts is to provide insight into what SAHMs do all day. But I’d rather read posts that discuss those details rather than a post assigning a monetary value.
Great post, Jana. My sister is a SAHM and I think it’s great, however I do feel that even I have to justify to others why she does it. You’re right, why should I, or more importantly she, have to justify that to others? What’s best for her family is not anyone’s business but her family’s.
This is what makes a good blog, in my opinion. It’s a topic that you’re very passionate about and it’s personal, not just some “how to get a low interest rate” canned, non-personal garbage that it seems most blogs keep posting. Keep up the great writing!
Thanks, Kraig! I don’t think that any mother–SAHM or working–should have to justify why she makes the choices she makes for her family. If that’s what works for you and your family, then go for it.
Well said. My wife stays at home with our kids and I’ve never attempted once to assign some salary or trade-off amount on what she’s doing. It’s just worth it for us. Great post.
I think it’s wonderful that you can see the value of what your wife does without having to assign an arbitrary salary to it.
Jana–
My wife stays at home, but we really didn’t plan it that way. Any time a parent looks at their situation, they have to look at it logically:
How much money could I make at a job
vs.
How much will day care cost for my children
If the difference between these two numbers is not substantial *and* your family could potentially survive on one income for a while.. Then staying it home is certainly the better option. And that is where we are. But if that weren’t the case, we would most likely put the little one into day care, and make sure to find plenty of time to be great parents in the evenings and weekends.
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Jefferson, thank you for highlighting the careful planning and thinking that goes into deciding for one parent to stay home. I agree with you that there needs to be a substantial difference in earnings and the cost of daycare and the family needs to be able to meet all of its financial obligations before deciding if a parent should stay home. It’s not always an easy decision.
I definitely agree with you! I’m not even a mother, and I hate it when people assign “salaries.”
Michelle recently posted…Spending, Life, Income and Food Updates… 2/27/2012
Love this post, Jana! As you know, I am a SAHM. People ask my husband all the time, when am I going back to work. He tells them, she does work. She stays at home with our daughter. They then try to quantify what they are saying and end up sounding like a complete idiot. People need to understand that ALL MOMS WORK. Whether you have outside employment or not. That’s what makes me mad, when people think that SAHM’s do nothing all day but eat bon bons and watch soap operas and that somehow the children watch and take care of themselves. Grrrrr….
Mackenzie recently posted…Moms, Wisdom, and Applesauce
I do think that many people place less of a value on SAHMs, as is evident when people ask you when you’re going back to work. You’re right–being a mom is work, whether you are a SAHM or you have a traditional job. In fact, I find that I work harder on days I’m home with my daughter than days I’m in my office!
Love the post, Jana. My wife is a SAHM and I agree on how annoying it is to have the conversation of what it’s worth. I usually avoid the conversation a bit by saying “I totally agree. That’s why I send her a 1099 every year for her portion of our monthly costs and benefits, which I need to front. Kind of screws her over a bit with the tax man, but hey, everyone needs to pay their taxes.”
Most of the time they know I’m kidding, but there’s always a good seven or eight seconds where I can see their brain collapsing behind their eyeballs when they try and figure out if I’m joking and what the implications of actually doing that would be.
Seriously though, you’re absolutely right. SAHM is really NOT about money. That my wife is able to stay at home is something I’m really proud of, selfishly, and happy about for her and the kids. Not everything needs a dollar sign attached to it.
Nick recently posted…Ten tips for budgeting when you’re broke
I would love to see the reaction on people’s faces when you say that! It’s like a verbal smackdown to those who think that if a parent is not bringing in a paycheck, there’s no value to what he or she does. I think it’s absurd that people feel the compelling need to assign a salary to being a SAHM, especially something like being a mom which provides value above and beyond a dollar figure.
…”Every woman has to choose what works best for her family. If that means staying home, great! If that means working outside the home, great!” YES! I think that sums it all up and I am proud of you for saying so. I never EVER thought in a million years I would ever be a SAHM but the first day I had to put my daughter in childcare I cried all day at work and immediately took a leave of absence that led to my permanent leave 10 years ago! My decision wasn’t based on finances but we decided then that it was more important for me to be at home. I will admit that when money was beyond tight there was some resentment from my husband and guilt on my part knowing I was capable of bringing in a good income. I went back to work once for about six weeks and we both realized there was no amount of money that could replace me being at home. That was the last time we ever wondered if we were better off if I was working a “real” job.
You are absolutely right that there is no amount of money that can be placed on being a mom. We assign chores in our house for our kids without payment simply because they are a part of this family. As a mom, I do the job I am (in my eyes) supposed to do, without a monetary value attached to each and every area. My children are a priceless gift. I refuse to let anyone try to attach a dollar amount simply because I am a parent.
IMHO, of course, you are also right about quality vs. quantity. My mom, who abandoned us when I was seven, was a SAHM. My life would require a lot less therapy if I spent less time with her and/or she spent a little more quality with me. I don’t remember her EVER spending time with me. My dad on the other hand, who worked full time, gave us plenty of quality time with me during their marriage and then eventually went on to be a single dad who worked full-time and still dedicated his life to us.
I am part of the leadership team in my moms group (made up of both work force moms and SAHMS) and I find myself constantly telling moms to do what works for them and their families.
Sorry to write my own blog post here in the comments but I guess this topic fires me up a little too. Good for you for speaking up!
anotherhousewife recently posted…Ragnar Bound
Thank you for pointing out that there are more emotions involved in staying home than just “hey, this is what I want to do”. I’m glad you brought up the resentment because that’s something I hear quite often from the SAHMs that I know. I think that’s an aspect of this decision that doesn’t get discussed enough.
Also, thank you for mentioning that it’s not always about quantity of time. A SAHM who is occupying space is not necessarily a better parent than a working parent who is dedicated in his or her off hours. I think your story demonstrates that quite perfectly.
Every mother has to find a balance and do what’s right for her family. There is no one correct choice.
I’m not a mother, but I am the eldest of 5 children and had to help raise my siblings after my mom passed when I was 15. I think you make a great point. It’s definitely not the same thing as working for another client, like dealing with your child.
I think the only reason some financial experts talk about the “salary” equivalent to a SAHM, is so they can calculate life insurance coverage. Like how much it would cost to replace what the mom does if there was ever an accident. You can replace the tasks she does, but you can never replace her. Love this post!
Carrie – Careful Cents recently posted…Identifying and Removing Financial Toxins
If that’s the reason, then at least there’s a logic to it. But in all of the posts and articles I’ve read, I’ve never seen that as a justification. I’ve seen it justified so SAHMs feel like they’re financially contributing to their families, but really nothing else. I just feel that the contribution a mom provides to a family goes above and beyond money and to try and quantify it is ridiculous.
I love a good rant and yours has the bonus of being eloquently written Jana. On balance I generally agrree with you.
Hunter – Financially Consumed recently posted…Lust For Life
Thanks, Hunter! I’d love to hear your perspective as a SAHD.
Hey Jana-
I am the daughter he is referring to. Spent the last couple weeks working and will get to stay at home in a few days for as long as I choose. Praise God for that. I like the back and forth, very interesting. I would be interested to meet a mom that is working for any other reason than a financial one. I would understand working a few hours here and there to get a much needed break from being with the kids all day, for example I love working out and will try and personal train a few hours a day or week, whatever seems best for my family. I can’t imagine someone working 10 hours a day and ever feeling that is best for their kids for anything other than to support them financially (ie. be able to pay for their college and such). Do you know someone doing that? If so, what job are they doing?
Cori, Thank you for your comment. However, the post is not intended to debate the merits of being a SAHM vs. being a working mom. My point is that there is no way to quantify the job of being a mother, either SAHM or working, and I would prefer that financial writers cease doing so.
I definitely see where you are coming from. What sparked this comment? I think I am missing a little back story.
Cori recently posted…Lesson #19 Part 3 Jonni McCoy: The Cost of a Job
It’s a misguided attempt to answer those who are critical of he SAHM. At worst, it’s a bit insulting, at best, a bit patronizing.
I once heard a particular blond haired mom referred to in a less than flattering way. Funny thing, I told the moron who was out of line that this gal had a PHD in molecular biology, was part of a biotech start up, made a small fortune when they went public, and she decided to take a break, it was time to be with her family. People talk when they really don’t know enough to form an intelligent opinion, so they go with the first foolish thing that comes to mind.
JoeTaxpayer recently posted…5 Incredibly Expensive Places to Be a Taxpayer
I’m not sure if you’re criticizing me or my post or something else. But in no way did I criticize SAHMs. In fact, it’s just the opposite. My personal belief is that everyone needs to choose what’s right for her family, whatever that may be. The point of the post is to say that there is no way to assign a salary or a dollar figure to being a mom and I wish that personal finance writers would stop doing it.
Great post! I’ll go a bit of a different direction – I’m the primary earner, and for years while our son was young, my husband was a SAHD. It worked for us, and when he got the right offer, he went back to work.
There is no right or wrong – just what works for each family individually!
The fact that anotherhousewife realized that she needed to be home for her kids is wonderful! I realized that I love my kids, but I also love my career – and I’m a better mom when I work. 🙂
Kris, a huge thank you for speaking up on behalf of moms who work outside the home! And a huge kudos to you for acknowledging that not every woman needs to be a SAHM in order to be a good mother.
Your worth as a SAHM can’t be valued by dollar signs. Your worth is in the growth and development of those children you are raising. No financial “expert” can sit down and decide what dollar amount to assign to the role you play in their lives.
Stay fired up all you want Jana, I don’t blame you one bit.
Jessica, The Debt Princess recently posted…What NOT to Do: Give in to Impulse
Exactly!
I don’t think we’ve ever put a monetary value of Mrs. 101’s SAHM status. We have though put a time value on the activities she’s able to carry out during the day. Maybe that’s the same thing.
101 Centavos recently posted…Chain Posts and Post Links
Putting a time value on what she does during the day is definitely an interesting way of looking at it. Can you expand on how you guys do that?
Couldn’t agree more. I think you help point out the problem – SAHM are under-appreciated because our society only values tangible, concrete, or even monetary contributions. It doesn’t know what to do with those who value family over money and attempts to translate it into a currency.
20’s Finances recently posted…Why You Must Negotiate Your First Job Offer Out of College
I couldn’t agree with you more, Corey! And, in this instance, the translation to currency is so random and arbitrary, it makes no sense.