I don’t claim to know a whole lot. In fact, it’s typically the opposite. But, after being in a relationship (albeit dysfunctional at times) with the same person for over 16 years, I do know a bit about what it takes to maintain that relationship. And, through that, I’ve also learned that if you’re going to have a healthy and open relationship with your partner about money, the rest of your relationship needs to be on solid footing. After all, if you can’t communicate about the laundry without arguing, how are you going to talk about buying a house or saving for retirement?

Since I’ve already talked about why my husband and I don’t fight about money, I thought I’d give a little insight into how we manage the rest of our marriage so that we maintain good communication (and, lest you think we never fight, we do. Not often, but when we do it’s a doozy):

• Go to bed angry.  Sometimes going to bed angry is the only way to prevent an argument from spiraling out of control and having both parties say things in anger that, while they don’t mean them, they’re hurtful nonetheless. Going to bed angry can occasionally solve a problem that staying up and talking it out cannot. After all, when we’re making a big decision, we often get the advice “sleep on it”. Why not do the same to prevent a bigger argument?
• Have individual hobbies. There is no rule that says married or committed partners have to spend every waking moment together. In fact, the couples that do kind of scare me a little. We enter into relationships as individuals. Our significant others like us because of all the things that make us an individual. There is no reason to completely let that go because we’re with another person. Doing activities separately is healthy for a relationship. It lets us take a breath from each other and maintain our individuality, which is essential. It’s hard to be a good, supportive partner if we don’t take care of ourselves, too.
• It’s okay to have separate money. When I say this, it doesn’t mean hide money from each other or lie about paychecks or even have separate accounts. What I mean by this is that it’s okay for each person in a relationship to have his or her own fun money (mad money, allowance, whatever you want to call it). Each person needs to feel like he or she has some ability to spend some money on anything he or she wants without having to consult the other person. Actually, doing this is one of the reasons my husband and I don’t argue about money. It’s nice to feel a little autonomous when it comes to money.
• Make big decisions together. Particularly when it comes to major purchases, job offers, and child rearing situations. One person in a relationship should not dictate all decisions. Having it this way breeds resentment, anger, unhappiness and a lot of stress. Each partner has  valid opinions that should be considered when it comes to decisions about where to live, budgeting, work situations, saving for the future, children (whether to even have them and how many), and anything else that can be construed as a major decision.
• Be supportive of each other. A relationship cannot function if the people involved in it do not support each other. While you may not always agree with your significant other’s choices, try to be as supportive as you can (unless, of course, those decisions will have a highly negative effect on you and your future. Then you need to have a very serious talk). The support doesn’t just have to be financial; it can be emotional, spiritual, physical, or a combination of all of them. To use losing weight as an example, people are more successful when their partners are involved, even if the partner doesn’t need to lose weight. Just knowing that you have someone in your corner to pick you up when you need it is helpful and encouraging.
• Split responsibilities. In my house, we have an understanding that not every chore in the house is my job simply because I work from home. We have an unofficial division of labor (although there are certain chores that are mine and certain ones that are his. However, we do fill in for each other when necessary. The trash is still going to get put out even if he’s away, for example) and that includes how we manage our money. We play to our strengths to prevent error and frustration that could, in the long run, cause unnecessary expenditures or arguments. Also, it helps our house stay clean and running smoothly.  

The other two rules of thumb that we follow are to not worry about what others are doing and understanding that marriage is not a power struggle. Neither one of us needs the upper hand in any situation; we’re in it together. And what other people do in their homes and their relationships is none of our concern. They do what works for them and we do what works for us.

These rules (for lack of a better word) have kept our relationship going through even the darkest times. We want our marriage to work and we put in a tremendous amount of effort to ensure that it does. No relationship is perfect, including ours, but doing whatever we can to keep communication open and honest definitely helps. Because, just like being on the same page about money, you need to have an understanding of each other’s thoughts, feelings, needs, wants, and opinions.

Without that, you’re creating a recipe for disaster.