I’ve talked before about how, when I first started taking Zumba classes, I had to get over my embarrassment and trepidation of starting by realizing that I just didn’t care what other people thought. I also mentioned that, when you’re paying off debt, it’s imperative to have that same thought process. And I also talked about how we need not pay attention to what all of the other, more coordinated and experienced people think of us and how they probably admire us just for stepping into the room.
I still believe that.
But I also believe that prejudices about exercise, and money, work in reverse. For all of the people we think are out there judging, commenting, and developing their own versions of our backstories, we (and by “we” I really mean “me”) are doing the same. See if this situation doesn’t sound familiar:
After mustering up enough nerve, and finally finding the right clothes that do not accentuate every single bit of fat on your body, you walk into an exercise class. You take your necessary place in the back corner, far away from the prying eyes of the well-toned, clearly coordinated women wearing what you only would wear in the privacy of your own home (as long as no one else was there and it was laundry day, meaning all of your comfortable, loose fitting clothes were dirty) and the even more well-toned and ferociously energetic instructor. As you self-consciously look around at the rest of the class, waiting for your 60 minutes of much needed torture to begin, you start to think about how all those women (and men, too) are so fit and can probably never imagine what you’re going through. The failed diet attempts, the agony of clothes shopping, the self-berating that comes after you have both wine and dessert; these people could never possibly understand that.
Or could they?
Upon further research, particularly when you’re looking for Zumba classes near say, I don’t know, a conference, you learn that the most enthusiastic, high-impact, energetic instructor you have ever had recently lost 100 pounds. Then you learn that your favorite instructor dropped 8 pants sizes. And your other favorite instructor has lost close to 80 pounds. Then you find out that, among those skinny moms who look like there’s no way they just had a baby, more than one of them have also lost a substantial amount of weight.
Then you feel like an asshole for judging them so harshly in the first place.
Those of us who’ve battled debt often do the same thing to people who look like they’re financially comfortable. We see them with their new clothes, taking vacations, and generally enjoying life while we sit in on our old furniture, watching another movie from the library, eating leftovers and we can’t help but hate them. We can’t help but imagine the most horrible things: they’re worse off than we are but are putting on a good show; they’re so lucky to have no debt; I wonder who paid for them to do that. However, what we don’t see is that in some of those cases, they’ve come into money under terrible circumstances like the death of both parents. What we don’t see are the struggles that some of them went through to make it through college debt free or to pay off tens of thousands of dollars of debt. What we fail to remember is that yes, some people are lucky to be born with a great bank account and helpful family members (or a great metabolism) but many of them did not.
They put in the time, work, and effort required to manage their money and pay off their debt. They learned, whether at an early age or later in life, how to live on a budget and not spend more than they make. They took the initiative to control their impulses or, if you’re some of the people I know, find a career that they not only enjoy but is incredibly lucrative and put in the long hours studying and working to become excellent in those fields. The bottom line is that the people we view as successful and better off than us have, most likely, been right where we are now.
So it’s time to put away the hate (okay, fine, most of the hate) for those people. Start using them as inspiration to achieve your goals. Talk to them. Learn what they did to get to where they are. Ask if they’d be willing to help you in your journey. I think you’d be surprised at the response.
And, if they say “no” or something really mean or inappropriate, I give you permission to create the most awful story about them ever and then share it on Twitter.
Budget & the Beach says
Great article! I agree it’s so easy to assume everyone has it so easy and we don’t. You never know what is going on behind closed doors. It’s good to keep that perspective.
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Jen@balancedlifebudget says
Good post! I am guilty of judging and having people judge me, so it’s a good reminder that we don’t know anyone else’s story.
bogofdebt says
Excellent post! When I took my kickboxing class, it was so nice to hear that no one was judging me for my lack of coordination-instead they were hoping no one was judging them for their mistakes. It was fun to laugh over our thoughts when we were talking about them. It was even better because we were able to help each other out with different moves.
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MoneyAfterGrad says
Good read! I definitely find myself mostly jealous of people who are better of financially / physically than me, but it is a very unhealthy mindset and we should take it as a learning experience instead.
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Mackenzie says
I like this post Jana! People are so quick to judge, but until you’ve walked in their shoes, you really have no idea.
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Lance@MoneyLife&More says
Judging doesn’t help anyone but almost everyone does it on some level I feel. If people would quit judging and start helping those who are willing to better themselves many people would be much better off…
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Andrea says
I’m horrible for doing this, I also hate it when it happens to me. I’ve had many times assumptions placed on me about my income, my parents income, who was paying for my tuition etc. etc. It doesn’t feel good when I’m the one who worked hard to get ahead, that someone assumes I had it handed to me. Those assumptions are just as unfair as my own.
PK says
This. Right here. 100%.
You pretty much just summarized everything I’ve thought when stories pop up on my feed lamenting the ability of another person to do things that some blogger can’t do with their current finances. Or, worse, complaining about their perceptions of the wealth of someone, and looking for every reason why that person has it easier than them. Making excuses is not exactly a constructive pursuit, and really only gets in the way of self-improvement.
Again, great stuff.
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MakintheBacon$ says
I have to admit that I can be financially prejudice. I automatically judge someone if they are successful and then feel like a jacka$$ when I found out how hard they worked and what they had to go through to get there. I’m a part time fitness instructor and can understand where you’re coming from as a member. I used to feel that way when I first joined the gym. During the process of becoming an instructor, I learned first hand how hard it was to become one and how much time and effort is involved to make it look easy.
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