Today’s post is a guest post from my friend S who blogs at American Debt Project. American Debt Project is a blog about paying off debt and understanding the patterns and behaviors that get Americans into debt in the first place. She also blogs about income inequality, investing and the fascinating dynamics of living in Los Angeles and Southern California.
At the risk of sounding like a Cosmo magazine rip-off, a girl’s gotta have friends that she can talk to about anything. I consider myself lucky to have friends with whom I can discuss all manner of embarrassing, intimate and psychologically harrowing topics.
There’s been one topic burning a red hole in my mind lately: Jealousy. I found myself feeling completely jealous after seeing the website of someone who is a friend of a friend who just happens to be a professional surfer. When I saw her recent trips to Kauai, Bali and the Caribbean, I think I experienced some mild heartburn mixed with tangible anxiety as to why my life didn’t include exotic trips to warm, sunny beaches and photoshoots of me posing on said beaches. To make it worse, this girl is beautiful, much younger than me and probably makes quite a nice annual income before even graduating high school. I don’t begrudge her success because surfing is one of the toughest sports out there and she RIPS. After two years, I can still only ride the smallest of waves with my funboard. I know she’s talented and deserves success, but I was still thinking about it all day and wanting my own life to be filled with plane rides, free clothes from sponsors and lots of fun down time to hang out friends and post pictures to Instagram. I got even more worked up because it is simply too late for me to become a professional athlete at 28. “Why is this jealousy consuming me?!”
I knew exactly which of my friend/therapists I needed to discuss this with, and we were headed out to dinner that night. As soon as I got in the car with her, I asked her: “Have you…like…ever felt jealous of anyone?” She looked at me like I might have suffered a concussion earlier that day. “Uh yeah, all the time!” She mentioned that some of her friends from college had found serious success with some multi-level marketing company they had started (which is the only way to make money from a MLM) and were always posting photos on Facebook of their newfound wealth. But she had a simple solution: “I just started defriending them. I think the last picture I saw was his orange Lamborghini and after that I just deleted him. I don’t need to see that every day.”
That, my friends, is the definition of a good friend. I realized how awesome this girl is who can be so honest with me and herself and give such simple but useful advice as don’t pore over photos of people who make you jealous. It wasn’t getting me anywhere to look at photos of rainbows over the Islands of Aloha which made me want to bang my head against my cubicle wall. And what’s worse, I was mad at myself for having a normal reaction of jealousy.
I have a confession: I am a little bit holier than thou. I think that I never ever feel jealous or envious, when the truth is that for the most part, I don’t feel jealous of other people’s lives because their goals are not my goals. I don’t lust for an orange Lamborghini, that picture would have probably just made me laugh. I don’t want a high-powered corporate job because I’ve had the 70-80/hr week corporate job and I’m not sure I could handle that kind of stress long-term (at least not working for someone else). I don’t want a Louis Vuitton handbag. So I can look at people’s lives and think, “Well, good for them. I’m glad they’re happy.” But when I saw someone living out a life that seems to me like absolute perfection, I did get jealous. I want the freedom to do those things too, without going into debt for it.
It’s OK to feel jealous sometimes. You don’t have to pretend like you are completely Zen and happy for everyone and 100% satisfied with your own life. In fact, if you’re reading a personal finance blog, you are probably looking to improve your life in at least a few aspects. But just remember not to dwell on that envy for too long, or spend an hour on Facebook/Twitter/Instagram feeding your mind with images of someone else’s happiness. I may not have a perfect life, but I still wouldn’t trade for anyone else’s life, no matter how many cheetah-print bikinis and double rainbows are involved.
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Jealousy is natural. But also remember that they may post fancy pictures, but no one knows whats really going on their personal or professional lives.
I just look at sunny beach such pictures and that gives me motivation to start planning my own vacation 🙂
Tushar@EverythingFinance recently posted…Pay Off Student Loans
Excellent point, Tushar! It’s true, they may be posting those pictures but we don’t know for sure what’s going on behind the scenes.
Jealousy can be empowering to do good things and move forward. It also can be self-destructing. I guess it all depends how you channel it.
Aloysa @ My Broken Coin recently posted…My Life Philosophy for Managing Money (Part I)
That’s an interesting twist on jealousy. I never thought of using it as motivation.
What an awesome and relatable post! I don’t get jealous of other people’s lifestyles often, but when I do, I tell myself, “Who knows the cost of their success.” For whatever reason, rich people always seem to have effed up families, and for obvious reasons, shallow friendships. No one gets to have it all…
I often wonder that, too. Especially with celebrities. I don’t envy their lives at all.
I’ve definitely been jealous before. I envy those who can travel to awesome places.
Michelle recently posted…Biggest Financial Mistake
I don’t envy travel, mainly because I think travel preferences are so personal. What’s awesome for one person may not be so awesome for another.
So I have an acquaitance- she’s the SO of an old friend – who travels for a living. She’s an award winning travel journalist. She’s also an overall awesome person and a wonderful partner to the friend, so I won’t defriend her on facebook, but I do sometimes feel jealous when she posts about where she’s going next. But then she posts the actual travel schedule- 5 destinations over 3 months, without a single stop at home. She’s got to write her articles as she goes, is missing her cat, and her SO can only sometimes travel with her (and him they have to pay for themselves). I would be absoltely miserable living that life and I know it, but I’m still a little jealous.
shanendoah@the dog ate my wallet recently posted…Forced to use Comcast (why I hate it)
I think this is an excellent example of having what appears to be an enviable lifestyle that’s really not so enviable at all. We know a family who makes a ridiculous amount of money but the dad travels 4-5 days a week. He’s never home, barely knows his kid but the money affords them a ton of luxuries. That’s not a way I’d want to live. No paycheck is worth that.
I agree. Appearances are certainly just that…appearances. It’s like the someecards that says “May your life one day be as amazing as your Facebook profile makes it appear to be”!
American Debt Project recently posted…How to Clean Your Closet in Five Easy Steps
I used to get jealous and let it get to me. Lately I’ve put a huge emphasis on you get out what you put in, so I assume that for the most part when people have great things happening it’s because they’re working harder or smarter than me. So then I get motivated to do more myself.
I get annoyed when jerks are rewarded, but that’s just means they’ve got more room to fall. Very cheesy, I know. But it’s been serving me well.
Nick recently posted…Blog for sale! Bidding starts at $600,000.
That bugs me, too, when people who are jerks or incompetent are rewarded. Sadly, I see it happen all too often. Rather than get jealous, I get angry and I try to use that to movitate myself.
I like that line of reasoning…I know a lot of people are working harder/smarter than me. Lately, people have been telling me I’m trying to do too much/take on too much. Then I think I must be doing something right because I never heard that before. People are probably just not used to seeing me really trying, making an effort and putting myself out there! I hope it gets rewarded one day :).
American Debt Project recently posted…How to Clean Your Closet in Five Easy Steps
I am jealous of your alexa ranking and your successful blogging!
There is always going to be someone who has it better than you, but you have a pretty good thing going here as well!