You know what I’ve noticed? And it’s something I am guilty of, too.
I’ve noticed that women, in general, often wait for permission to do…well, just about anything. We sit and wait for someone else’s opinions or approval before we make decisions because we’re afraid of the ramifications, whatever they may be.
I think this is bullshit.
So, for all the women, even though you don’t need it, if it gives you strength and confidence, you have my permission:
To express any and all opinions you wish. Someone might disagree with you but go ahead and say them anyway. Stop worrying who you offend. People take offense to everything anyway.
To wear whatever the fuck you want. And to love your body exactly the way it is. Or want to improve it. But throw that self-loathing shit out the fucking window.
To not feel pressured or forced to explain, justify, or defend your choices and decisions.
To have lofty goals and work like hell to achieve them.
To unapologetically say no to anything or anyone that makes you uncomfortable, unhappy, or you simply don’t want to do. It is not your obligation to people please or jeopardize your own comfort level to accommodate someone else.
To go back to work after you have a child. Or to stay home. No judgment here.
To leave a job, relationship, friendship, or any other situation that puts your health (physical and/or mental), safety, finances, and self-confidence at risk. If you’re afraid, there’s resources and support. Can’t find them? Reach out to me. I got your back.
To be outraged, regardless of political affiliation, that in 2016, we are still fighting the same battles for equal treatment we fought 100 plus years ago. No joke. It’s okay to be pissed about that.
To spend your money how you please. Travel, buy books, clothes, spoil your kids or pets, go back to school, start a business, save it all for retirement…whatever you choose. You earned it. You get to decide.
To live with no regrets. Yes, there will be things you wish you hadn’t done or choices you had or hadn’t made but you can’t change it. You can only learn, make amends, and move on.
To be private. To keep yourself guarded and quiet and protective of yourself and your feelings and cautious of who you let in and not share everything. Social media is not a requirement.
To do the opposite of everything in the above statement.
To watch, read, listen, or create any form of entertainment or art you want.
To ask for help when you need it. And refuse it when you don’t.
To put yourself before your kids. Seriously. I cannot stress this enough. Yes, they require care and attention, especially if they’re young, but it is FINE AND NECESSARY to take care of you, too. In fact, sometimes, taking care of you first makes you a better parent. Breaks are crucial to reset and refocus. Doing so makes you a good parent, not a bad one (Note: this can be it’s own post).
To recognize that you are capable of accomplishing absolutely anything you set your mind to. It might take awhile and you might have setbacks but you are fierce and you got this shit.
To do whatever makes you happy. Nothing more, nothing less.
Amen! Even Siri and Alexa echo have women’s voices since they are servants!! I can’t believe after all of this time , the male dominance still exists. I am lucky with my husband and boys. Very thankful
It’s beyond time for Goddess time.
Love, Steph’s Momma
Goddess speed to all!
I hope that with the next generation of girls, male dominance will be something we only talk about in history books.
YES. I don’t seek approval from anyone because I do what I want!
I also work to teach this to Kayla – do what makes you happy. I think she’s starting to get it too – she told me that her friend commented on whatever it was she was wearing and she told her “well, I like it; you don’t have to and that’s ok”. I was like, GIMME A HIGH FIVE, GIRL. Then we chest-bumped. Kidding; that won’t happen till she’s older.
Awesome, Kathy. #teachyourchildrenwell 💖✨🍀😇☮️🦄🦄
I’m doing the same with Erica and it makes me so proud when she stands up for herself. She’s an individual and there’s no requirement to like or be the same as everyone else.
Awesome Jana!!! I think there was a talk with Lady Gaga about this and she was basically saying the same thing. We are always asking for permission AND apologizing! ugh!
I need to find that talk. She’s not my favorite but she’s definitely great at doing her own thing with zero fucks given.
I cant begin to tell you how much I needed this post.
I feel like the person who is always wanting & needing to please everyone around me.
I need to release myself from that & give that permission to do what I need sometimes.
Thanks for this!!
I think many of us fall into the trap of wanting to please everyone at the expense of ourselves. It’s driven into us to do it and really, it needs to stop. Saying no really is fine.
Yes. YES YES YES YES. We need to stop apologizing and feeling like we need permission merely to exist in this world. As crappy as things have been lately, I’m so proud of all the women standing up for their rights and speaking out against what is wrong these days. GIRL POWER.
I love that more women are speaking up. And if that’s the silver lining to come out of this Trump fiasco well, then, maybe in some weird way it’s worth it.
Yes!!! I still struggle to say no sometimes, because I’m such a people pleaser. And what good does it do me? It’s just extra stress I don’t need. And speaking my mind? I mean, sometimes I do, but just the other day a friend was trashing people and being generally catty and I had no idea how to call her out on that. I probably could have just said, “I’d rather not talk about people” and called it good, but nope. I felt too awkward so I let her continue.
I think it is hard to walk the line between being a people pleaser and doing what makes you comfortable. We’re so conditioned not to hurt anyone’s feelings, and we’re all guilty of doing exactly what you did (me included). For instance, there’s this woman at my daughter’s gym who is rude and inappropriate and generally disgusting (there’s two, actually). I don’t want to start drama so I keep my mouth shut when I’m near them. It kills me but it’s just not worth the crap that comes with opening my mouth.
It IS bullshit! But in some cases such a hard behavior to stop, depending on who you’re dealing with or what the whole situation is. There’s no real reason for it, thought—it’s just a hard pattern to break. Cosigning all these. Good reminders.
Agreed. Sometimes it’s so ingrained that it seems impossible to break. But it’s not. And sometimes all it takes is that permission to break the habit.
YES to all of the things.
Rise up and do whatever the F you want, ladies.
Rise up, for sure. It’s about damn time.
hells yes to all of these, especially ‘to watch, read, listen, or create any form of entertainment or art you want.’ i wish people would stop ragging on others over what they like or don’t like. bugger off.
i remember i was like 16 or 17 and there was this lady on the news who said her kids weren’t her whole life and the media was tearing her apart. i said to my mum what a horrible person! my mum shut me down real quick and educated me that it’s super important to always put yourself first and never lose sight of who you are, to kids or a spouse. i’ve never forgotten it, and i’d love to read the post if you write about it. more people need to know that’s okay.
>>>runs to write that post.
What a great lesson for your mom to teach you.
PREACH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I literally JUST finished a draft post about saying NOPE to mom guilt that stemmed from a similar type of feeling. Love every single piece of this.
Thanks to Kristen I will now be writing about not losing your identity when you’re a mom. I love when we band together and share these sentiments.
Mom guilt can suck it.
This is such a great post, and I love that you included saying no in your list as well! I’m generally very quick to say yes to anything and everything in my life, and sometimes that means that we overload ourselves and we get stressed about doing everything. Sometimes it’s ok to take a step back and just say no!
Always remember: No is a complete sentence.
The moms I like best are the ones who haven’t lost themselves in their children. I love those of you who are good at being whole people, not “just” moms.
I think toe-ing the line between doing what you want while still being respectful of others’ wants and needs is tooooough, though. At least for me. I fully support finding the balance that works in every situation and speaking up so you aren’t treated like a doormat, but finding that sweet spot where all needs are met is hard.
100% agree with that last part and just replied to another commenter with a similar sentiment.
If you want to lose yourself in your kids, that’s fine but it’s just not for me. I can’t do it. I’m more than just Erica’s mom.
Yes to this entire post!!!! More and more I have been reminding myself that I don’t have to justify my actions to anyone. I just want me to be me and you to be you. I hate all the shaming that is out there for how you look, what you wear, what you believe in, what you blog about, if you work or stay home after kids, all of it. We all need different things out of life and we all are allowed to have our own views. As long as we are respectful towards one another, what does it hurt??
I strive to be one of those moms who plans to remain true to herself and doesn’t get completely lost in her kid(s). I strongly believe that you have to keep yourself happy and do things for you…and keep your marriage happy and do things for the marriage and not let everything slide just because you have a kid. It doesn’t do the kid any favors.
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YES! I admit that I am one of the worst offenders when it comes to this. I always feel I need permission and I’m not sure why. I also hyper-worry about offending others, although they certainly don’t seem to worry about hurting my feelings. I’ve always been a people pleaser and inch-by-inch I’m letting go of that mindset. I believe wholeheartedly in everything you wrote and in reflection about this election, I’ve thought a lot about women. How far we’ve come and how little has changed. We are not second-class citizens and need to remind both ourselves and others that not only are we equal but we are also capable, strong and innovative and we most definitely don’t need permission to be that way. We were born that way.
Tanya @ A Mindful Migration recently posted…My 5 Favorite Guilty Pleasures
Yes! I’m so guilty of this, too. For so many reasons. Working on getting better, though. And Tanya, you remind me of a RuPaul quote: “We were all born naked. The rest is drag.” Or gender normative. Same deal.
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Now this is a ran worth sharing! I can definitely get with all of this and I wish more peolle realized this today!
Thanks for this. I am so tired of waiting for permission and/or apologizing for having needs. Yet I keep finding myself doing so. Working on it!
http://donnafreedman.com/im-through-explaining/
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Fuck, yes. All of the fucking above.
Thank you.
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