Did you guys have a good weekend? I did. Well, the best I could after spending Friday in colonoscopy hell. Let me be clear–I know they’re necessary. But holy hell, are they horrible. Not so much the procedure because I was completely unconscious but everything else surrounding it.
I’ve done random train of thought posts before (you can read them here, here, and here) so let’s add to the collection with all the fun things that went through my head during the whole colonoscopy event.
Wow, this is a lot of stuff I need to buy.
I really have to take the weekly dose of two laxatives in four hours? That seems excessive and I’m pretty sure it’s going to be painful.
This Gatorade mixed with Miralax doesn’t taste too terrible.
This is the worst Gatorade I have ever had in my life and if I have to drink one more sip I will throw it up all over the place.
If I throw up, do I get to cancel the procedure?
No, I’m not cancelling it. I’ve come too far and I haven’t forgone food for two days to cancel now.
They won’t notice if I spill some of it down the drain.
HOW IS IT POSSIBLE FOR ONE PERSON TO POOP THIS MUCH?!
How is there anything left in my stomach? I think everything I’ve eaten over the past month has been flushed away.
Hmmm. I wonder how much weight I’ve lost from all this. *steps on scale* Three and half pounds?! Ridiculous.
Is this how celebrities lose weight before awards shows because it doesn’t seem worth it. I’m sure Spanx does a better job. Same results, less gas.
Oh, finally. It’s over. I can get some sleep that’s not on the bathroom floor.
I was wrong. THIS is the worst drink I’ve ever had. Perhaps I should not have brushed my teeth before I drank the grape flavored magnesium citrate. I am the queen of bad choices.
Really? More pooping?! I’m pretty sure my stomach is just inventing things to eliminate.
There are an awful lot of people in this waiting room. I think I’m disturbed by the amount of people with stomach and/or butt problems.
Let’s play a game. Who’s here for a procedure and who’s their ride home?
This game is easy. Anyone in comfy pants is clearly getting prodded.
Oh, wait. There’s a couple both wearing jeans. Challenge accepted!
People look funny when they’re coming off of anesthesia.
HOW AM I STILL POOPING??
They’re giving me propofol? Isn’t that the drug that killed Michael Jackson? (FYI, I said this out loud, loudly, to my prep nurse. #noshame)
If I had the ability I would punch the anesthesia nurse in the nuts because I want him to feel the pain that he is inflicting on my with this IV needle.
Wait, how is it over? I literally remember nothing after I yelled at the nurse that he hurt my arm.
Oh, thank god. The pooping is over.
I need a nap and some food.
Fun follow up story: So, I was pretty convinced that people could tell I was on something and in my head, I looked either really drunk or high. Turns out, I was right. One of the other cheer parents is an undercover detective and when we stopped to get food, they (I don’t want to say if it’s one of the moms or dads) were parked in the same parking lot and their partner held the door open for us. When my husband saw this parent later that night, he/she relayed that his/her partner thought something was wrong with me and my husband had to clarify. Reasonable explanation yet still mildly embarrassing.
All in all, the prep was worse than the procedure (you know, because I don’t remember it) and fortunately, everything is normal and I don’t have to do it again until I’m 50. Hopefully by then they’ve improved upon the whole prep process.
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[…] year I’m do for my every five year colonoscopy. It’s not a fun test (read Jana’s hilarious post on just having gotten her first one), but even more worrisome for me is the out of pocket cost. I just switched insurance companies […]
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[…] my stomach issues. I’ve had stomach problems for as long as I can remember (remember how I had to have a colonoscopy?) and working through a Whole30 helped pinpoint which ones really bother me. Second, I learned that […]
yep, it’s the worst. i haven’t done it but my mom had to (twice – she’s 66) and she basically goes into the bathroom with her prep stuff and stays there until it’s over. NOT something i’m looking forward to but glad that it’s over for you!
kathy@real talk recently posted…friday favourites [3-13]
I am so glad, too. My mom just turned 63 and she is actively avoiding doing it even though she needs to. I can’t imagine my talking about it is helping.
Oh yuck, so sorry you had to do that! I am NOT looking forward to it, I have to start getting them at 40 (so 9 years away? Also hoping they will have a better process figured out by then!) So glad to hear everything was normal though!!
Julia @ Grace Makes New recently posted…Weekend Recap: Spring Cleaning Edition
Glad you are ok! I did read, years ago, that Princess Diana and other celebs would routinely have “high-colonics”- which was a cleansing of the colon and obviously a weight loss occurred. It also reminded me of Eddie Murphy’s Nutty Professor with the mother saying she was going to get her colon cleansed. There must be an easier and less gross way to examine the colon!
Have a happy week. Love, SMD’s Momma
Celebrities are insane. I can’t imagine doing that purely for weight loss.
Colonoscopy’s are the worst, I’m actively putting one off as we type!
Kelli recently posted…Conversations With Myself – Vol. 4
The procedure wasn’t so bad (thanks, anesthesia) but the prep was horrific. I can’t lie to you. Literally the worst thing I’ve ever been through including broken bones and recovering from my c-section.
Well thank God that’s over and you got through it! I have not had one yet and I keep bugging my husband that he needs to schedule his. Totally not looking forward to the non-stop pooping!
Karen recently posted…The Blog Sisterhood
It does stop…eventually. And you will rejoice and celebrate when it does.
You poor thing! Good for you for getting it done because I’m sure so many forgo it. The line “There are an awful lot of people in this waiting room. I think I’m disturbed by the amount of people with stomach and/or butt problems.” almost make me choke! Ha!
lisacng @ expandng.com recently posted…Page Turners: April’s book
It was seriously disturbing how many people were there! Granted, I live in a small state so maybe it was disproportionate but still. A full waiting room. Crazy.
Oh man, this sounds just awful. I live in fear that one day I am going to have to do this and I don’t like to think about it! I totally sit in waiting rooms at dr offices and hospitals playing the why are they hear game, so I get that! Glad I am not the only one who does it. At least it is all over? And 3 lbs down! Haha 🙂 I always say I am a few stomach flus away from my goal weight.
Nadine recently posted…Weekend Shenanigans – The One I Pretend I am 22
I play the why are they here game, too! Except at the infertility doctor. That’s a pretty easy game 🙂
oh my goodness, it sounds horrible. i might be a little stupid, but why are they necessary? i dont want one. i wonder which one of the jeans wearing people were the ride home or there for the procedure, lol.
There’s a whole host of reasons why you would need one. For me, I have problems with pooping like a regular, normal person so they wanted to check for any issues. Other reasons could be testing for celiac disease, polyps, colon cancer, etc.
Oh Joy! I get to have one when I turn 40. Well actually not until 9 months after I turn 40 because that is when my yearly exam is. I am so on top of scheduling them they are now in September instead of January.
Glad everything is normal!
Jenniemarie @ Another Housewife recently posted…Making Rest a Priority During Spring Break
Ok, I did bust out laughing. But (not butt), this really sounds both hilarious and absolutely awful.
It definite was both.
I had my first colonoscopy in my mid-20s. I remember the powder they gave me to mix into something. It was suggested broth – OMG the saltiest thing ever. I think they might have also suggested grape soda. I don’t really remember. I do remember that at least the 2nd dose, I did not manage to drink it all.
Of course, the worst thing was, I lived 50+ miles from where my procedure was being done. That meant we had to leave the house before I was quite ready to. I still thank the roadside gods for the random rest stop in the middle of an urban commute.
C had nicely remembered to bring some yogurt for me, so I got something to eat as soon as I made it to the waiting room. But I also don’t remember the procedure. I remember the doctor came in the room and and I said something about closing my eyes, and then I was in recovery, where they were telling me I NEEDED to pass gas before they’d let me go.
shanendoah recently posted…3/15 House Hunting: House #4
Ew to the mixing with broth. I had to drink so much of the Miralax (the powdery stuff), it had to be combined with a beverage. The broth helped with the nausea, though. Apparently the nurses kept rolling me from side to side trying to make me fart but I don’t remember. Just as well.
Bahahahaha! YOWZA! Not gonna lie, weight loss IS the silver lining to the shits.
Amanda recently posted…30 Eve
It really is. That, and getting in lots of quality reading.
I wrote a post like this about going to the gyno – which I THOUGHT was the worst possible doctor appointment I could attend. Nope, this sounds worse. Gotta laugh at this stuff though; all a part of life! (unfortunately)
Ali A recently posted…Under Pressure
The lady parts doctor is a vacation compared to this. I mean, if you like your vacations with cold metal objects in your vagina. Which I do not. So maybe that’s a bad analogy.
Well, I didn’t want to say anything…but I DO happen to like vacations with cold metal objects up my hoo-ha. Let’s just agree that every single doctor/dentist type appointment is the literal WORST.
Ali A recently posted…Larry David is My Spirit Animal
It’s your personal choice. No judging 🙂
And yes. ALL doctor appointments are terrible.
Thank you for taking a not-so-fun situation and making it damn funny! I hope you’re feeling better…and lighter 🙂
Erin recently posted…Sunday’s Seven Snapshots #16
Hahaha! Yes! To both 🙂
Bahahah. So when I had my 2nd IUD put in, the military doc gave me something that helped make my cervix dilate.. and by that I mean he gave me a laxative. HOLY SHIT, literally. I couldn’t stop pooping. It was the worst. So I completely understand your dilemma.
When I had my endoscopy, I, too, enjoyed the who is here for the procedure game. One of my favorite things in life is coming out of anesthesia. It’s different every.single.time.
Teh Megan recently posted…Weekend Review {3/16}
I am so glad I didn’t need the endoscopy, too. I didn’t need to be examined from both ends.
I concerns me a bit that a doctor gave you a laxative to dilate your cervix. That seems wrong.
Is it weird that I am kinda looking excited for mine?? It’s a few years away but I have always had poop issues so clean me out, please! TMI, yeah, don’t care. 😉
Kerry recently posted…A little under the weather
I have so many poop issues which is what triggered me having to do it now. I can give you some helpful hints if you want them.
I had an HSG done (ugh, look it up) and I thought that was the worst thing ever. Like, I’ve never felt pain like that before. This sounds about on the same level. I wish they would’ve knocked me out.
Kristin recently posted…(Sort of) Homemade Chicken Stock
I’ve had that, too. Twice. Excruciating pain.
Oh dear I heard these are the worst. I have taken a “colon cleanse” a few times but not a colonoscopy! PS I would have loved to hear your husbands explanation.
Kay R. recently posted…Weekending – Samurai Sushi and other yummies
For once, he actually didn’t make something up! He told the parent what actually happened (that I was coming off of anesthesia).
SO not looking forward to this. HOW is there so much poop?
I’m glad it’s over.
SMD @ Life According to Steph recently posted…Shit MFD Said – Vol 16
I kept asking myself the same question. I’m glad it’s over, too, and I’m completely fine waiting 12 years for another one.
I’ve had two myself and I’m due for another one this year (dread) because my brother had colon cancer before 40 so that’s what they recommend. Is it bad I’m thinking how much is it gonna cost out of pocket more than the prep? Did you have to drink the entire gallon? That was my prep and I felt like I was on fear factor. LIke there is no fucking way this gross stuff is going down my throat. You do want to gag. You’d think that after all these years they would have at least improved upon the prep of that test, because like you said the procedure is nothing, save for the fact that they make you pass gas in front of everyone else recovering in the recovery room…but I was still so drugged I didn’t give a shit…get it? 🙂 Overall though it’s peace of mind and I have a piece I’m writing this week about it because it’s Colon Cancer awareness month. My best friend died at age 39 from it, so it’s nothing to mess around with. Glad it’s out of the way for you!
Tonya@Budget and the Beach recently posted…My Typical Daily Routine
Quite frankly, I have no problem farting (figured I’d warn you now, roomie) and having to do it in front of medical staff isn’t something I care about since I had to do it after my c-section, too. And the other patients were also semi-conscious so whatever.
I did have to drink the entire gallon. Horrid and I didn’t like Gatorade before. Now I hate it.
Oh man – I laughed really hard at this.
And – I’m sorry, holy wow – that’s a lot of poopin’.
Kateri Von Steal recently posted…Krispy – Volume – Reflection – Shine on!
Ew. I had a colonoscopy done in 2010, remember the laxative to this day, it was the most terrible thing I’ve ever had in my mouth ever, and the pooping was the very smallest problem. The procedure then was a horror and they couldn’t even complete it because I was in too much pain. I would be so happy to hear the word Propofol in that context. I know I will eventually have to do the procedure again some time soon, not looking forward to it.
So glad yours was normal – and that you got Propofol. Over here they have a thing with doing horrible stuff without sedation.
Susanne recently posted…Happy St Patrick’s day, everyone
Love this post! Hahaha! I had to do a bunch of tests about ten years ago on my kidneys and urinary tract and everything had to be cleared out, so I remember how horrible the laxative part was. I’m not looking forward to these, but I’m glad to know you didn’t remember the procedure at all. And I’m so glad you’re healthy!
Christina recently posted…Road Trip – Hilton Head & Myrtle Beach
Nope. No recollection of the procedure and it also made me realize anesthesia isn’t so bad. So one fear is squashed!