An open letter to the McDowell family

Dear Samuel, Jack, Mary, and the rest of the McDowell crew whose names I can’t remember because there are just too damn many of you,

You don’t know me but I feel like we’re old friends. Before you start freaking out and thinking I’m some sort of weird internet stalker, let me assure you that I am not. Actually, now that I really think about it, the reason we’re so intimately acquainted is your fault. How’s that, you ask? Let me tell you.

You won’t stop using my phone number. Which has actually been ours for the last 8 years. When we moved into our house. Yet this fact has somehow escaped you because for the last 8 years,  dozens of debt collectors that have called our house, repeatedly and at various hours of the day, look for your entire clan because at one point you did have our phone number and I’m pretty sure you’re still using it to avoid the situation you’ve placed us in. And I’m getting pretty damn sick of it.

I’m sure you can’t imagine how it’s annoyoing seeing as how you’ve effectively avoided debt collectors successfully for the last 8 years but I feel that it’s important to share with you just what it is about this situation that’s infuriating since you’re clearly unaware.

First of all, do you know how annoying it is to come home almost every day for weeks at a time to 16 missed calls on your caller ID (let’s pause for a moment for you to question why I even still have a landline. I’ll tell you that it’s really none of your business), as well as several nasty messages from said debt collectors imploring us to call them back because it’s an urgent matter? Wait, let me answer that question for you. No, you don’t. Because you don’t give your real damn phone number. But I can assure you that is about as maddening as having to constantly tell people you don’t know who the fucking McDowells are and have them not believe you so they keep calling back until you yell at them. Which I really don’t like to do but I don’t have a choice.  So now I’m also angry with you for making me be mean to strangers (and, let me clarify, you people are not strangers to me. No, I feel very well acquainted with all of you).

Second, not ever in my life have I been sent to a collections agency. Even in the thick of my debt, I always managed to pay the minimum so as to avoid this exact problem. I don’t like to be harassed (unless it’s by Wentworth Miller or Jason Segel. In that case, harass away, boys) and this is especially annoying because it’s not my debt. If it were my debt, I could manage the harassment; I wouldn’t have a choice considering I created the problem. But again, it’s not my debt. Or that of a family member. Or a close friend. Or someone I was friends with in the 5^th grade. Debt collectors calling me for those debts would make some amount of sense. But for you?  It’s just a bothersome pain in the ass. Seriously, McDowells, pay your damn debts and get these people off my back.

Third, I don’t want to know these things about you. I really don’t. I’m nosy but someone else’s personal financial disaster and ruined credit? Not something I care to know about. For a bunch of reasons, including the fact that it just makes me sad. And I don’t like to be sad over information I never needed in the first place. Including your health issues. Yes, McDowells, I know all about the cancer scare and the fact that Samuel needs more blood work. Why do I know this? Because you’re giving people our phone number and clearly people are idiots and don’t listen to outgoing messages so when they hear my family’s name they think it’s yours and they leave a message! If you want to keep this stuff a personal, family only matter, the solution is simple. Give your correct phone number!!!

At this point you’re probably wondering why we haven’t changed our phone number. We thought about it but then realized that would inconvenience us even more than your debt collection phone calls and it just wasn’t worth it. Besides, we’re not the problem. You are. Why should we need to do all the work?

You will be happy to know that continuing to use our phone number is not, in fact, fraud. I know this because I spoke to the police. So once again, you’re going to get off scot-free. And that completes the circle of annoyance.

In conclusion, McDowells, I’d just like to say two things: one, thank you so much for the years of annoying phone calls, harassment and general displeasure at answering the phone; two, I hope you take care of this situation because if there’s a generation of little McDowells out there, you’re setting a really bad example.

And you should be ashamed of yourselves.

Love,

Jana

P.S. If you’re wondering how any of the debt collectors tracked you down in Florida (if you’re even still there), you’re welcome. You should have changed your phone number with Best Buy, too.