Moms, myself included, spend an awful lot of time pining for the things we used to do before our kids were born. My favorite list (including the comments) was from People I Want to Punch in the Throat. To say it’s comprehensive and completely accurate is an understatement (oh, and it’s also hilarious). But after I read it, I starting thinking of all the things I can do now that I have a kid:
- Never have to spend time with people I don’t like. If someone you don’t like invites you to hang out, your kid provides the best excuse. As in “I’m sorry but a babysitter just isn’t in our budget” rather than “there’s no way in hell I’m spending any more time with you than absolutely necessary”. This also works for weddings, birthday parties and general get togethers.
- Have someone to blame for every broken item in the house. This is especially handy in a house with older kids, mainly boys. I’m particularly clumsy and it’s just easier to blame the kid than to admit yes, I snapped the handle off of that toy.
- Buy only little kid snack foods. Because they taste so much better than adult snack foods.
- Lie. All the time. My kid asks the most ridiculous questions and half the time, I’m not smart enough to answer them. So I lie.
- Know where every public bathroom within a 10 mile radius of my house is located. Now when I need to go and I’m not quite close enough to home to wait, I don’t have to. I know which ones are cleanest and which ones don’t make me feel guilty if I don’t purchase something when I’m there.
- Go to kids’ movies without looking creepy. It’s no secret around here that I love The Muppets. It’s also no secret that I took the day off so I could go see the new movie the day it came out. Had I gone alone, I’m sure I would have received the stink eye. Bringing the kid made it acceptable.
- Sing along to cartoons. And admit that some of the songs are good.
- Walk out of the house wearing mismatched clothes, covered in shmutz, looking like I haven’t slept in 3 days. Because, you know, I haven’t.
- Change a diaper in under a minute and on any surface. I once changed my daughter’s diaper on the floor of an airplane. I think I set a record for quickest diaper change. Ever.
- Give you the name of every Disney princess. I can also tell you who her prince is and what color dress she wears. This is essential information.
- Hate Elmo. If you’ve never had a toddler, you may still think that Elmo is cute, cuddly and entertaining. It’s almost blasphemous not to like him. But let me assure he’s not what he seems. He’s terrible.
- Speak Spanish. Thanks, Dora and Diego!
- Have an in-depth, serious conversation about the merits of Velcro versus shoe laces.
- Use bathtub crayons to sketch out post ideas or do simple math. I do my best thinking in the shower and now I can write the ideas down.
- Decipher words like smorf (S’mores), Numberland (Neverland), and humidityfier (humidifier).
- Understand that pointing in the general direction of a tree followed by the question “Mommy, what’s that?” really means “What is that blue object 87 feet behind the tree?”
- Effectively wrangle 2 dogs, a child and a cat all trying to chase the same rabbit without breaking my neck.
- Purchase a subscription to Highlights magazine. And do the puzzles inside.
- Realize that bringing home a hamster is, to paraphrase George Carlin (only he was talking about puppies), really bringing home a small tragedy. This also goes for fish, gerbils, guinea pigs…anything with a short shelf-life.
- Not clean my house on a regular basis. What’s the point? It’s just going to get messy again 5 minutes after I’m done.
If you’re a parent, what can you do now that you couldn’t when you were child-free?
George Carlin always put it in a way that made you laugh but he was always telling the truth. The small tragedy one made me laugh. We’re taking our kids to see Elmo next week. They love it though which I love to see 🙂
Money Beagle recently posted…Weekend Roundup: February 3, 2012
We took our daughter to see Sesame Street Live a few years ago. She loved it, which made me love it.
I had a bit of a catharsis with Elmo. I made an Elmo cake for my daughter’s 2nd birthday and I got a ton of satisfaction hacking up his furry red head.
Being a parent is just a whole different experience, life alterning. Someone who is not a parent yet just will not understand, no matter how much they think they do. I remember being offended once by a former coworker, who was older and somewhat dismissed a comment I made about being a father. I wasn’t one then. Now, I totally get how he must have taken my comments. You have to experience being a parent to truly understand and appreciate it!
Your post does a nice job of highlighting in a fun way how we think and act differently when we become parents. I too have actually had a conversation on velcro vs. shoelaces 🙂
Squirrelers recently posted…Is it Important to Buy Organic?
Velcro vs. shoelaces is an extremely important discussion.
I agree with you, though. It’s hard to understand what’s it’s like being a parent when you haven’t yet been one. Before I became a mom, I had friends who would complain constantly about their kids and how hard it was. Yes, that’s true, but sometimes you need to look at what’s good about it, beyond love and all that.
Love, love, love this!!! Although my daughter is not yet 2, I can relate to many of these things (never have to spend time w/people I don’t like? Um, yes this is required now).
Also, I LOVED Highlights magazine when I was younger! I didn’t know they still made them. Oh my gosh…. *smiles*
Mackenzie recently posted…Taking the Time
Mackenzie, we convinced my in-laws to get her a subscription for Christmas. She is so disinterested in it, it’s ridiculous. So I feel no guilt whatsoever in picking it up and giving it a read. That’s what it’s there for, right?
I like #20 most of all. Our house is now only cleaned before we have friends come over. It could go weeks without a once-over. Except for vacuuming and sweeping the kitchen floor…I have issues.
Hunter – Financially Consumed recently posted…Financial District Invests In Bomb-Proof Information
I’m that way with my kitchen and the dishes. I cannot STAND a dirty kitchen so I clean it every day. Other than that, what’s the point?
very funny post, we often ponder what would change if we had kids, now I have a pretty good idea 🙂
Evan @smartwealth recently posted…Our frivolous guilty pleasures
I’m glad I could help paint a nice picture for you, Evan! I’m am here to help prevent the unexpected 🙂
We don’t have children but we use quite a few things on your list without feeling guilty. We don’t hang out with people that we don’t want to. We use our pets as an excuse. They are our kids. They need A LOT of attention too! 🙂
Aloysa @ My Broken Coin recently posted…Spending That I Can Afford
I agree that pets can be a great substitute excuse if you don’t have kids. If I’m being completely honest, we had 2 dogs before we had a kid and they came in handy for #1 quite often!
#9: My oldest is 12. When he was a baby, most stores still didn’t have changing stations in the men’s rooms. I got to the point where I could change a dirty diaper without setting him down on the floor or getting crap on myself. It made for a fun party trick.
That? Is ridiculously impressive! We always had a changing pad in our diaper bag or we would just go to the car. Sometimes, you just need to improvise.
Totally love this list, Jana. Dirty house, getting out of social engagements, kid movies, eating fruit snacks – yes, yes, yes and yes.
My kids are into wrestling. I can go see WWE Raw live and not be ashamed because I’m doing it “for the kids.” Hehe.
Kids are the best excuse for everything, aren’t they?
Love it! Especially the freedom you have in a different way! Let me tweet this post out for ya. Would love to think about your thoughts about my post on stay at home men uniting, and playing Xbox all day!
Sam
Financial Samurai recently posted…Stay At Home Men Of The World, UNITE!
Thanks for commenting and tweeting, Sam! I did go and share my opinions on your site.
We don’t have kids yet, but I can totally imagine myself doing a bunch of these. I’ll be thrilled when I have a “legitimate” reason that my house isn’t clean. For now I just blame it on the BF.
Love. This. Post. I’m a relatively new dad (2yo and 5mo). For years I told anyone who would listen that I couldn’t wait to have a toddler so I could have a back-up singer for all of my goofy songs but leave me with full creative control (yes, I had the songs before the kids… sad… I know). Now I spend way too much time singing songs I make up with my son – best time ever.
And not to be picky, but shouldn’t it be “gracias” Dora and Diego? Or was that malo of me to bring up 🙂 Lo siento.
Nick recently posted…7 Secrets of Self-Made Multimillionaires
How about: Go to bed at 8pm (leaving all those chores) and be fully justified doing so?
We have a 4.5 month old (our first).
We also now try to take naps on the weekends as both of us are pooped.
Speaking of poop – it isn’t a taboo subject when you are a parent!