I don’t claim to know a whole lot. In fact, it’s typically the opposite. But, after being in a relationship (albeit dysfunctional at times) with the same person for over 16 years, I do know a bit about what it takes to maintain that relationship. And, through that, I’ve also learned that if you’re going to have a healthy and open relationship with your partner about money, the rest of your relationship needs to be on solid footing. After all, if you can’t communicate about the laundry without arguing, how are you going to talk about buying a house or saving for retirement?
Since I’ve already talked about why my husband and I don’t fight about money, I thought I’d give a little insight into how we manage the rest of our marriage so that we maintain good communication (and, lest you think we never fight, we do. Not often, but when we do it’s a doozy):
- Go to bed angry. Sometimes going to bed angry is the only way to prevent an argument from spiraling out of control and having both parties say things in anger that, while they don’t mean them, they’re hurtful nonetheless. Going to bed angry can occasionally solve a problem that staying up and talking it out cannot. After all, when we’re making a big decision, we often get the advice “sleep on it”. Why not do the same to prevent a bigger argument?
- Have individual hobbies. There is no rule that says married or committed partners have to spend every waking moment together. In fact, the couples that do kind of scare me a little. We enter into relationships as individuals. Our significant others like us because of all the things that make us an individual. There is no reason to completely let that go because we’re with another person. Doing activities separately is healthy for a relationship. It lets us take a breath from each other and maintain our individuality, which is essential. It’s hard to be a good, supportive partner if we don’t take care of ourselves, too.
- It’s okay to have separate money. When I say this, it doesn’t mean hide money from each other or lie about paychecks or even have separate accounts. What I mean by this is that it’s okay for each person in a relationship to have his or her own fun money (mad money, allowance, whatever you want to call it). Each person needs to feel like he or she has some ability to spend some money on anything he or she wants without having to consult the other person. Actually, doing this is one of the reasons my husband and I don’t argue about money. It’s nice to feel a little autonomous when it comes to money.
- Make big decisions together. Particularly when it comes to major purchases, job offers, and child rearing situations. One person in a relationship should not dictate all decisions. Having it this way breeds resentment, anger, unhappiness and a lot of stress. Each partner has valid opinions that should be considered when it comes to decisions about where to live, budgeting, work situations, saving for the future, children (whether to even have them and how many), and anything else that can be construed as a major decision.
- Be supportive of each other. A relationship cannot function if the people involved in it do not support each other. While you may not always agree with your significant other’s choices, try to be as supportive as you can (unless, of course, those decisions will have a highly negative effect on you and your future. Then you need to have a very serious talk). The support doesn’t just have to be financial; it can be emotional, spiritual, physical, or a combination of all of them. To use losing weight as an example, people are more successful when their partners are involved, even if the partner doesn’t need to lose weight. Just knowing that you have someone in your corner to pick you up when you need it is helpful and encouraging.
- Split responsibilities. In my house, we have an understanding that not every chore in the house is my job simply because I work from home. We have an unofficial division of labor (although there are certain chores that are mine and certain ones that are his. However, we do fill in for each other when necessary. The trash is still going to get put out even if he’s away, for example) and that includes how we manage our money. We play to our strengths to prevent error and frustration that could, in the long run, cause unnecessary expenditures or arguments. Also, it helps our house stay clean and running smoothly.
The other two rules of thumb that we follow are to not worry about what others are doing and understanding that marriage is not a power struggle. Neither one of us needs the upper hand in any situation; we’re in it together. And what other people do in their homes and their relationships is none of our concern. They do what works for them and we do what works for us.
These rules (for lack of a better word) have kept our relationship going through even the darkest times. We want our marriage to work and we put in a tremendous amount of effort to ensure that it does. No relationship is perfect, including ours, but doing whatever we can to keep communication open and honest definitely helps. Because, just like being on the same page about money, you need to have an understanding of each other’s thoughts, feelings, needs, wants, and opinions.
Without that, you’re creating a recipe for disaster.
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I read this post twice. I’ve been in relationship with the same man for more than six years and we have many ups and downs. We’re normal copule like many others, we make mistakes, we make bad decisions sometimes, we have problems same like other couples. Now we have this “down time” but I hope we’ll fix it soon. There is one more rule we have: we don’t make big decisions in the evenings/at night. When we’re tired, pissed off, frustrated, it’s dark outside, it’s so much easier to give up. So if this decision can wait until morning or until the weekend, we talk after breakfast. But I guess I can count this as your “go to bed angry” 😉
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Jana,
Relationships — romantic or platonic — are like muscles. You work them out and they get these little tears in them. When you fix those tears and they heal, your relationship is that much stronger.
Cheesy? Yes, yes it is.
-Christian L. @ Smart Military money
Going to bed angry does not work with us. We just wake up angry and then start the argument all over again. If we talk it out though(even if it mean staying up till 2am) we can get past whatever it was we were arguing about and have a great day the next day. That just seems to work way better.(for us, every couple is different.)
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AMEN. I couldn’t agree more. Sometimes you need to go to bed and cool off before addressing something. You also have to share dreams and I agree to have individual hobbies- we all need our own thing and time.
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Great post! Maintaining individuality is extremely important. I don’t understand how some people spend every waking minute together and still maintain a good relationship.
Sometimes an argument needs a day or two before it’s picked up again. Making up without solving anything just so you can go to bed not angry doesn’t work for me.
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These are all great tips. However, we prefer not to ever go to bed angry. The times that we have done this, it has always spiraled way out of control and ruined the next day also.
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On the few times we have gone to bed angry, typically we don’t even remember we’re angry when we wake up. At that point, trying to ‘get it back’ is pretty pointless, so you’re right, it does tend to disipate a lot of that anger.
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Good tips, though for me I have the rule never to go to bed angry, because the few times me and my BF do, we wake up still angry and don’t talk for a while, and then there’s this weird elephant in the room for a while. But that’s just what doesn’t work for us.
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While all of these have been said before, your first rule is interesting and completely subjective. I like hearing that it works for both of you, that is what’s important. I used to be on the side of never going to bed angry, while dating someone who would rather sleep on it – that was a frustrating dilemma.
Now, I think I have moved over to the “sleep on it” camp on your side because most of the things that are argued over, really aren’t that significant – we just get caught in the heat of the argument. Often I find myself waking up the next day feeling like “what’s the big deal? That’s not important at all.”
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Adding on to the separate hobbies is to also have separate friends. If I know my bf won’t like going to something, he just makes plans with friends while I’m out so when I do my thing, I can really enjoy myself rather than have to “entertain” him. He still has to go to some events with me whether he’s into it or not (and vice versa), but we’re not the type that has to be together all the time.
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I totally agree with you on the going to bed angry. I’m pretty hotheaded, so sometimes going to be angry is a much better alternative then saying nasty things I’ll regret in the heat of the moment.
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Money can cause all sorts of problems in a relationship, even so much as be enough to end a relationship. In my personal experience as long as you both have a similar income, and are equally generous then things will work out fine. Good luck with finding someone like that. 🙂
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Excellent tips! It’s so important for people to have their own interests and be on the same page for the big things. And going to bed angry never serves anyone well!
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I have the same opinion about going to bed angry. I sometimes burst and the only way that I can cool down is to sleep on it. I usually woke up the next day calmer and more open-minded. The rest of your tips are great, especially the having separate money. It’s like giving yourself some importance as well, not just other people.
Great tips, Jana! We have a rule, too, that we always keep in mind that we’re on the same team. This helps a lot when we’re at odds over something. Making decisions for the benefit of the team takes on a different look than making decisions for the benefit of one person or the other.
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I totally agree with you on having separate hobbies and separate accounts for certain things. I’ve been managing my own money before we got together and lived together. I have investments, whereas he does not. I also have a travel fund.
I think I would actually go nuts and get annoyed with my bf if we did absolutely everything together and always went out to together. We’re not joined at the hip.
MakintheBacon$ recently posted…Sleepless, but not in Seattle
You have learned a lot in those years! We have hobbies separate from each other and also together. We also bring our interests to each other in conversation. I’m more interested in the economy than in machines and he’s the reverse. Yet we’ve learned to enjoy hearing each other talk about those things. We can open each other’s view to new things that way and to understand each other better too.
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