Jon Acuff talks about something he calls “critics math”. What he means by that is you could have 100 reviews of something–a book, a picture, your blog, whatever–with 99 positive and 1 negative and you will only focus on the 1 negative.
I definitely know that’s true for me.
Which is why, lately, I’ve been obsessing over how much everything I do totally and completely sucks.
Because two weeks ago, I had a conversation with someone who told me that “your blog sucks, your Twitter following isn’t any good, and your mentoring program will never make any money”. Those where her exact words, and I’ve whittled down the negative feedback for the sake of brevity.
I can’t even begin to tell you guys how much this hurt me. I work hard at having a nice looking blog that has consistently good content, I’m constantly thinking of ways to improve my mentoring program, and my social media followers, while important, are not something I use to measure my popularity or quality. So to be told everything I do sucks and all my effort is essentially for nothing has taken a huge toll on my self-confidence, my desire to even continue to try, and makes me rethink every decision I’ve made regarding writing and blogging thus far. This woman made me believe I’m wasting my time and I should pack it in.
And I almost did.
But you know what?
Fuck her.
Because I am a good writer. My blog doesn’t suck. And my mentoring program absolutely has potential. And there is absolutely no reason for me to quit, despite her horribly negative assessment of me, my abilities, my blog, and my short and long term plans.
And while I’ve definitely been dwelling in a place of “I suck and will never be successful as a writer, business woman or anything else”, there are a few takeaways from my conversation with that woman:
- Look for the immediately actionable. While they may be buried underneath harsh statements, there’s probably one or two doable tasks or ideas you can implement quickly. Those little tweaks can breathe new life into a project or blog, and it might not have been ideas you had thought of before.
- Look for the long term planning. Again, these may be buried underneath cruelly worded sentences, but those critiques will force you to take a hard look at what your long term plans are. You might find it necessary to go in a different direction than you had previously thought but it might be an even better direction.
- Reevaluate your elevator pitch. I’m a big believer in personal responsibility so maybe the reason the person is so negative and harsh has to do with the way you’re presenting what you do. Maybe you’re not positive or enthusiastic or descriptive enough about it. Maybe you don’t present your message clearly. Take your critic’s response as an opportunity to reevaluate how you talk about your project.
- Assess the true value of their opinion. Is this someone who has a vested interest in you? Or is it a casual acquaintance or someone you’ve just met at a party? While you can look for the value in those conversations (see 1 & 2), if it isn’t someone who knows you, isn’t familiar with anything you’ve done beyond a cursory glance, or doesn’t give a shit if you succeed or not, don’t internalize their words too much.
- Keep going, regardless. It’s important to accept the fact that not everyone will like you. I’m sure not even Beyonce has universal appeal. She doesn’t stop. She keeps doing what she needs to do, both for herself and for her fans (I’m assuming. Bey and I have never really sat down and talked about this). And so should you.
It never feels good to hear you suck. Especially at something that’s been your lifelong dream. And it’s easy to let those voices sing a loud chorus, especially if you already have low self-esteem or are unnecessarily hard on yourself. Those critics validate all the things you already tell yourself, which only gives you more self-doubt. Trust when I say I understand. More than I can tell you.
But the best thing you can do to silence them, and prove them wrong, is to not quit. There’s a reason there are so many choices and there is room for all different voices. Everyone likes something different and simply because one person isn’t a fan doesn’t mean 99 other people aren’t as well. Don’t let one detractor keep you from pursuing your dream.
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[…] one thing to deal with someone else telling you that you suck or stomping on your dream. It’s another thing to deal with the internal chatter. Because […]
I’m glad you didn’t pack it in.
#4 is really important – I am honest with everyone, but I have a more vested interest in people I am familiar with and it’s so much easier to provide more constructive feedback to those people than it is to others. Also, when someone flat out says I suck/shits on my things, my first inclination when I don’t know them well is to ask – hmm…are they jealous? She could’ve been coming from there with you.
SMD @ Life According to Steph recently posted…TWTW – the weekend that was
While I would love to think it came from a place of jealousy, I highly doubt it. She was very clear in telling me “I don’t know a thing about you or what you do”. And she definitely made it a point to tout all of her accomplishments, blog-wise and professional, to me. Maybe it was overcompensation. I don’t know.
As someone who tries to help bloggers as often as I can, I don’t understand that level of rudeness and lack of constructive criticism towards a stranger. I can’t imagine ever behaving like that.
Lord if someone said all that to me I’d have probably said fuck you to her face.
Maybe it’s not her “thing” but it’s a thing for a LOT of people! You yourself said your mentoring session at your blog conference was bigger than ever. That’s because people are interested in blogging mentors, I’ve heard several bloggers say it (I always send them your way).
You do you no matter what anyone thinks, now if you give me this bitch’s address I’ll kick her ass. 🙂
Kelli recently posted…Picture Practice: Favorite Meal
HAHAHA! I think you could take her!
After we hung up, I really had to sit back and think about what I was doing. And I realized that maybe I’m not doing it the greatest I can, and things need to improve, but I certainly don’t need to quit anything I do, regardless of her opinion. Just need to make some tweaks.
First of all….who in the actual fuck does she think she is to say such things about someone else? I find your blog fabulous, and you as well! But I agree with you, if you hear something negative like that…all you can do is prove someone wrong and let it push you even harder to move on with your goals!
Nadine recently posted…Weekend Shenanigans
It definitely did give me a push. I’ve made some pretty solid decisions since the discussion regarding the blog, my future, and my mentoring program that maybe I wouldn’t have if she hadn’t been so obnoxious.
I really don’t understand when people feel the need to be nasty like that! What’s the purpose of just being straight up rude?? Not too mention she was totally wrong! I love your blog, it’s one of my favs to read! But I love that you were able to take some positive from it!
Julia recently posted…Weekend Recap
Taking something positive away from a negative situation is definitely a mental health survival tactic for me. I needed to look beyond her harshness to see what she was really trying to say and feel like the conversation wasn’t a complete assault on me and my blog. I think it worked.
I can’t believe that someone would say that to you! That kind of negativity is awful. You are AWESOME Jana, and don’t let anybody ever tell you different!
Mackenzie recently posted…Living Well on a Shoestring-ish
Right back at ya!
I don’t understand that kind of negativity but maybe that’s how she lives her life all the time. I choose not to. It’s too much work.
ugh what a jerk, but go you for keepin on! your blog is awesome, don’t you dare listen to that person!
i like to remind myself that i dont like everyone, so everyone wont like me and thats ok- as long as its not people i love that have a problem with me, i’m good.
Kristen recently posted…Looks I’m Loving Lately
I feel the same way. She’s clearly not my target audience and we’re not friends so her opinion doesn’t matter all that much. It was nice to get her perspective though. Need to know what the haters really think.
I feel like people just don’t know when to shut their traps. People sometimes don’t realize their delivery makes all the difference in how the message was received. Maybe you could have received it better it was more constructive. Like “I like you on Twitter, but you I wish you would tweet more, or I like when you do this but I wish you did more of this” then you would have some valid points to consider. Just being rude and nasty gets you a one way ticket to middle finger-ville.
Kerry recently posted…Weekend Wanderings
EXACTLY!!! Her message would have been so much better received if she had been constructive instead of just rude and mean. We also might have been able to work on a project or something together down the road but now I just want nothing to do with her ever again. And what’s funny is I know she’s not even giving how she behaved a second thought because that’s just her nature.
I bet she gets the finger A LOT.
Wow, that is a horrible thing for that person to say. Just horrible.
My Stephanie is correct. She is jealous of you and your life. You just do not say that to people.
I sometimes let myself feel inferior because I do not have a college degree or I am not thin enough, or worldly enough. I am very happy you wrote this blog and are going to continue to write.
Goddess speed!
Love,SMD’s MOMMA
I don’t know if it’s jealousy but there’s definitely something underlying her rude comments. You believe in karma and so do I. She’ll get hers one day.
A great list of 5. But I always fear people don’t tell me when something sucks because of my thin skin. That said, I’d prefer something more like, “Hey… Brett… I can see what you’re trying to accomplish, do you think ___________ might be a helpful approach?” Or “Your main points get lost in your words. Chisel things out a bit more, but the direction seems good.” If something is bad, I want to be coached if at all possible, but I need to know it sucks (I don’t want to be the emperor w/ the clothes situation).
Brett recently posted…Why The Sales Experiment Exists
I have very thin skin, too, but I’ve learned that most people don’t care. They just say what they want, regardless.
I would much prefer constructive criticism because it’s more helpful. But sometimes we have to do the work to make it constructive. Which isn’t fun but in the long run, it helps.
I love how you took a negative comment and looked for something beneath the actual words. We don’t have to accept the hatred, but maybe there is something actionable we can do to improve out of it. I enjoyed your post and the fresh perspective.
Tammy Fuller recently posted…Carbs are Not the Enemy – What are Carbohydrates?
If I didn’t take something positive away from her comments, it would have been a waste of my time. And I don’t like to waste my time 🙂
I’m glad I was able to find something productive from her criticism. I’m all for improvement!
I am so proud of you! Jana your talent continues to amaze me but it is your personal growth that has inspired me. I know you have an amazing future ahead of you and I am blessed to be able to sit back and watch you soar!!!
Jenniemarie @ Another Housewife recently posted…Have You Seen God Today?
Your encouragement and support mean so much to me. Thank you (as always)!
Who in the FUCK said THAT to you?! I love your blog… love YOU! That’s some weird shit. And for what???????
Amanda recently posted…Savin’ A Dolla Makes This Bitch Holla!
I really wish I knew what prompted her because the conversation we were having had nothing to do with my blog. It had to do with a related topic but definitely not that. I love YOU, too!
Ummmmmmm WTF????? I was thinking about that the other day about things in life that I didn’t succeed in on the first try and how it motivated me to change direction or approach it a different way…..but being told you suck? Seriously that person better be careful……the blogging world is full of very protective females who some (like me over here) are chocolate deprived and will attack when provoked! Hang in there girl I’m glad you didn’t let those terrible unproductive words get to you!
Amanda Elizabeth recently posted…Weekending – The One That Went By Too Fast
Chocolate deprivation rage is REAL.
I appreciate your protectiveness <3
“Fuck her.”
Bwahahahaha.
Good for you, Jana!
It’s taken me 50 years to learn to say that,
but I’m getting there!
And I LOVE #3. Very helpful!
I’m pretty sure I short-change myself often
as I hem and haw and try to keep myself “small”
so as not to overwhelm others.
Great post! I’m pinning it so I won’t lose it!
Thanks for sharing!
When I sat back and thought about it, and talked about it with people I trust and respect (and who feel the same towards me), I realized the problem lies with her. Not me. And who is she to tell me that I suck? In the grand scheme of things, she’s no one. So her opinion, while valid, doesn’t really matter all that much.
I can’t believe someone can be so mean. I don’t even know where to begin with that, but I do think everyone has gotten that kind of message in one way or another. I remember one time I was at an LA Kings game, and this guy was going up the escalator and looked at me down below and screamed, “nice ass but an ugly face!” That comment stuck with me for SOOO long because not only was it mean, but so many people heard it too and it was humiliating. But you know what? My face isn’t going to be appealing to everyone. But if all I did was focus on that one mean comment about how I looked, I would begin to take that with me everywhere I go and eventually look sad and not so pretty to everyone. You have to consider how many other people like you and your work, but you’re right it’s easy to focus on that ONE bad thing. 🙁
Tonya@Budget and the Beach recently posted…What I Know About Myself and Money
I can’t believe someone actually did that. It’s disgusting. Like we talked about, it’s definitely a reflection of that person’s character and has nothing to do with you. It’s hard to let something like that go but it’s necessary. You know, for survival.
Usually the person making that kind of comment is not a “looker” just a judger, which is so ironic. I was riding a new bike my husband bought me about 6 years ago. I had a helmet on and my hair was sticking out. These middle school kids at the playground yell out to me “blonde fat bitch” Really!?! How were they being raised?
How about we all do the Golden Rule. And if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all!! Just be kind.
Love, SMD’s momma
I’ll skip the “I can’t believe..” And “what’s wrong with her?” (Probably more than you/I could imagine. /snark)
To go to: sure there’s always room for improvement, and I’m glad you’re looking for them instead of focusing on the clearly dismissable place that person was coming from. If someone has to tell you all about how accomplished they are in combination with how you stink but offers nothing actually constructive, I’m fairly certain they aren’t actually coming from a place of true expertise. You can be impressive on paper and be totally worthless at professional performance from my experience with interviewing high level and “accomplished” people. And they tend to be the ones who make those kinds of statements too. So. Grain of salt. I look for ways to learn from any experience too but it’s easier to take it less personally remembering that when someone takes the completely rude approach.
Revanche recently posted…In the dark of the night …
Oh wow… what a fucking shitty thing that person said. Fuck them girl. You don’t need them or their approval. People suck sometimes. I swear.
Natalie recently posted…Pumpkin Spice Bars
People generally forget the difference between being critical and giving construct feedback and just being a dick. What is the point in being so negative without giving someone some sort of feedback to work from? She clearly didn’t want you to work on it, instead, almost goading you into giving up. Useless.
Good for you for not letting her get to you and using the negative feedback as a sort of bounce board and figure out what you need to work on 🙂
Jaina recently posted…Project 365: 2014 – September
I am glad you didn’t pack it in. Negativity usually comes from people in negative places. I have learned that the people who are the cruelest usually have some pretty messed up stuff going and haven’t learned how to treat those around them. I am not saying this person was right to be so rude. What I am saying is that they have no idea how to be nice and treat people right. It is highly likely that they are jealous of how good you actually are.
I like your blog posts and have never come to your page and found something boring. I admit I have posted some less than amazing work and I have learned from that. I have learned that quantity means nothing if quality lacks. Please, anyone reading this, don’t go looking for my crappy content. LOL But I have been able to take that and learn from it. If I were to ever make a suggestion on someone’s page (which I never would unless they asked or if it was totally positive) it would be a suggestion in a non-confrontational way. The world would be a much better place if they practiced that approach.
Do not close up your blog!
Tricia’s Mostly Healthy Life recently posted…Join in on Today’s Workout
You’re doing great! I always enjoy reading your blog.
But wow about the comment. That person was totally rude.
Amber recently posted…Hey, It’s Okay Tuesday!
Whoa, total harshness from this woman! That kind of comment is not helpful at all. I’m all for constructive criticism, not just hating. Geez. You’re taking it really well though, and even came up with silver linings. Your the better and bigger person! I like your blog a lot! The layout and design is clean. Posts have substance. That woman has no idea what she’s talking about!