This is the first post is an ongoing series about how to handle financial matters in a relationship that is close to, or has gone over, the edge.
Recently, I have been having lengthy conversations with a friend of mine about her marriage. She is unhappy, her husband treats her like dirt, she has to deal with her stepdaughter’s mom (with whom she has a very contentious relationship), and they are mired in financial difficulties. In addition to the stepdaughter, they have 2 boys and she cannot afford to support them on her own. While she still loves her husband and wants him to change, he refuses to take any action to work on himself or his marriage. In the meantime, my friend is getting more and more depressed and angrier and angrier. Needless to say, this is not a healthy situation for anyone involved. On more than one occasion she’s mentioned separation and/or divorce.
Last week our discussions turned to the idea of having a financial escape plan. In other words, we talked about how she should be starting to set herself up financially in case their marriage keeps getting worse and she can’t take it anymore. I am not an advocate of making rash decisions especially when money and children are involved so I encouraged her to ask herself the following questions:
- What is my net income each month? How would it change once I change my marital status?
- What is the cost of my insurance for just me and my sons?
- What will my expenses be? Who will pay for child care?
- How much rent/mortgage can I afford? How much do I need to save before I can move out of the house? How soon can we sell the house? Will he let me buy him out?
- Is there anything I can do to increase my monthly income? Where would I need to cut?
- How should we split our joint savings? How much is in my individual account?
- Should I get a credit card with just my name on it?
- Establish an amount of money to save
- Set a target date for having that money saved.
- Research apartment rates and house prices in her school district.
- Gather information on how much a divorce would cost (court fees, lawyer, paperwork, parenting classes, etc).
- Write out a budget on her full-time income only.
- Figure out what skills she has that would allow her to earn extra money.
I ended the conversation by letting her know that no matter what she decides, she needs to do what’s best for her and her boys whether that’s ending her marriage or keeping after her husband to attend counseling to improve their marriage. She seemed a bit dazed with all that she needs to think about but she seemed focused at the same time. I was proud of her for even having the conversation; she is uncomfortable thinking logically and critically about money.
For the record, I despised having this conversation with my friend because this is an awful plan to put together and no one should ever need to think about it. Believe me, I never thought that I did. You see, 7 weeks ago, I found out that my husband cheated on me. It was a huge, crushing blow to every aspect of my life. And quite frankly? I feel like shit. Whoever said time heals all wounds obviously never had the person she trusted more than anyone in the world sleep with someone else and then lie about it. Hard as I try, I will never understand what possessed him to choose to do this. He took every insecurity that I have and exploited it for some girl whose name he claims he can’t even remember. Infidelity is quite possibly the most horrible thing one partner can do to another and as a result of this, I am left feeling duped, worthless, unattractive and stupid. I am left feeling as though nothing I have to offer is of any value. These are not good qualities to have when you’re trying to decide how to proceed with your finances and your marriage. So I did the best I could do. I took a deep breath and took a step back.
Setting aside my feelings in the aftermath, I know there was nothing I could have done to prevent what he did. But what happens afterwards is totally in my control. After I found out, and the blind rage subsided long enough for me to form a rational thought, one of the first things I did was figure out what I needed to do financially (I also employed strategies outlined in the Guide to Financially Surviving Infidelity). Once I realized that I was not financially stuck, it was easier to make some other decisions. Knowing that I was not forced to stay with someone for financial reasons was liberating. Money shouldn’t control the decision to remain married or not but having a handle on the reality of my finances afforded me more choices.
I understand that no one enters into marriage with the intent to leave that marriage. Unfortunately, things happen. I’m all for working on your marriage and not immediately jumping into divorce. But if things are irreparable, having a plan doesn’t hurt.
Note: I appreciate any and all comments. However, if you are going to comment on this post, please make sure that you are respectful and not attacking, even if you disagree with me or another commenter. I will remove any comments of that nature.
Comments
Trackbacks
-
[…] The Questions you never want to ask on Daily money Shot […]
I know something like that wasn’t easy to share. Hugs to you (again).
I think everyone should have a financial escape plan. Not because we want our relationships to fail, but because we can only control ourselves. When I got married in 2002, I never dreamed I’d be divorced 8 years later. I was completely unprepared – no savings, bad credit, and no clue how I would make it on my own. I was extremely lucky to have help from my family, but I know that’s not an option for everyone.
Debt limits our choices. You are very fortunate to be in a position to do what’s best for you and your daughter without being hindered by finances. And while no one can tell you what to do, we’ve all got your back no matter what!
Andrea @SoOverDebt recently posted…FINCON11 and Steve Jobs
This is one of the most practical ways that having a financial plan benefits everyone. A lot of our decisions are limited by finances. The freedom to choose stay (or not stay) in a relationship is very powerful, and I am happy (there’s not really a good word to use here) that you have have that freedom.
*hugs* to you and your daughter and your friend. And kudos to you for helping someone else in the midst of your own personal crisis.
shanendoah@Baking the Budget recently posted…Traditional Medicare vs Medicare Advantage Products
I do agree that if your relationship gets to a point where you are considering leaving then yes its wise to make a plan. I personally would not go into a relationship making ‘what if’ plans like that. Seems like jinxing it to me, and taking the romance out of it.
Also if the relationship gets to that point Im not sure I would wait till everything is in place. Every min in the situation can make things worse.
That being said its not a bad idea to have your own savings and such separate from the other.
Im also perhaps looking at it from a male perspective which in society may not have alot of these issues to think about. But I also did go through this once with my first marriage, where she decided to leave and I was raising our son and looking for ways to cut back and make ends meet on a single income.
On your situation I do hope that things improve or you make the decision that is best for you and your daughter and and everything works out for you. You have a community of support here if and when you need it.
Jeff @mymultiplestreams recently posted…The evils of debt add up fast
Wow, sorry to hear about this situation. Even thinking about leaving a marriage makes me shiver. My wife and I have been married for 10 years and I couldn’t imagine finding out she cheated on me.
I cannot really offer any information over and above what has been given, but I would like to offer some encouragement. Things in life are often darkest before they get better. Keep your faith close and dig yourself out of this situation financially and emotionally. Throw your attention into your children and their future and I am sure you will find the light at the end of the tunnel.
Wishing you all the best!
Freddie @ FreddieTaylor.com recently posted…Day 116 of Marathon Training: ENERGY!!
Sorry to hear about what your husband did. I agree, no one wants to think about financial issues in situations like yours and your friends, but it does give you some measure of relief to have one less thing to worry about — or at least one thing to concentrate on that you can control.
Jackie recently posted…Starting a Business? Create an Exit Strategy
Sweetie I am so sorry! 🙁 I can’t imagine how you’re feeling. I know that I probably wouldn’t have been able to post about it, especially so soon. At least you have are protecting yourself by having a plan and options. I hope with time you’ll realize that it wasn’t that there was anything wrong with you but there was with him. You deserve to feel good about yourself and know how valuable you are.
Jen @ Master the Art of Saving recently posted…Where Did The Dough Go? #22
Jana, I sat and stared at this post for a long time trying to figure out what to say as a comment. I really wanted to be able to give you some kind of ZenMaster like advice, but I guess I just don’t have it. Probably because I don’t honestly know what I’d do if I had this same kind of experience.
I’ve always said that divorce isn’t in my vocabulary, and that I’d do whatever it takes to repair my relationship should infidelity occur, but quite frankly I don’t think a person can ever say how they’d react to that kind of betrayal until it happens.
I admire that you shared your experience, and that you have the kind of financial situation that allows money to not enter into whatever decision you make.
I’m really sorry that this has happened to you, and wish you the best in working through your next move – whatever it may be.
Travis @DebtChronicles recently posted…Financial Blogger Conference – Let’s Build Something Together!
Jana, I’m in shock. I applaud your honesty and sorry you have been forced to deal with this betrayal. I don’t know exactly how I would respond in your situation, but I respect your resolve and the positive steps to prepare financially.
Being a Navy spouse, I’ve had to come to terms with my wife working and deploying with men, mostly. I trust my wife implicitly, but I do question some circumstances. Jealousy is a perfectly natural and valid human emotion.
Hunter @ Financially Consumed recently posted…Life On Friday – Bicycle
I love that you have the courage to put it all out there like that. I second what Travis@Debt Chronicles wrote. From a complete finance point of view, you make valid points for not only divorce but death of a spouse and even becoming a one income family (minus a few divorce specific items). For the record I think you are an incredibly talented and caring. I am honored to have crossed paths and call you friend! Always, let your light shine. **Hugs and Prayers**