“Man must cease attributing his problems to his environment, and learn again to exercise his will, his personal responsibility”–Albert Schweitzer
Most of us know, or have known, someone in dire financial straights but who refuses to accept an responsibility for his situation. It’s his parents’ fault or the credit card company’s fault or the landlord’s fault or the electric company’s fault or even his school’s fault. Someone else is always to blame for the fact that he’s behind on his bills, can’t keep a job, is one notice away from having the power shut off, and spends money on wants instead of needs. He says that he wants to change but his habits and decisions indicate otherwise. He justifies his poor choices with an entitlement attitude (you know, “I try so hard to find a job but no one will help me so I deserve to spend this extra windfall on a new TV instead of food and catching up on my bills”). He begs for your assistance and when you try to help, he dismisses all of your advice with excuses and “I can’t do that” statements and resumes his more important Call of Duty game.
He’s your neighbor, your friend, your brother, your co-worker. He’s someone you care about and you know has the potential to do better if only he’d apply himself. And it’s maddening to encounter this on a regular basis. However, when faced with someone like this, there are things you can do, and not do, to both help the person and maintain your sanity:
- Inform. Provide the person with information. Lend them books about budgeting, employment and personal finance. Is the person not a book reader? Point them to podcasts, blogs, websites, worksheets, job fairs, free seminars…anything you come across that you think might help. Maybe tell him an inspirational story or two from your own experiences, one about how you turned yourself around or how you learned to live on a budget. But let it stop there. Just give them the information. Let him decide what he’s going to do with it.
- Encouarge. Be this person’s cheerleader. He may not have anyone else around to make him feel good about his attempts to better himself and his choices. So, if you notice a small change, or if he gives you a good piece of news (“Hey, I got my power turned on because I worked out a payment plan with the electric company), praise him (it sounds condescending, and like something you would do for a toddler, but it works). The subtly point out that one small change can lead to another small change and so on. Keep it positive, though; a “great job on not buying snacks from 7-11 every day” is better than an I told you so. Making him feel guilty or ashamed for his previously poor choices is a surefire way to send him back to those.
- Support. But only the positive behaviors. You do not want to support the negative ones. For instance, if this person has a job interview and needs a ride because public transportation isn’t an option, there’s nothing necessarily wrong with providing one. You are helping him better himself and his situation. However, if he needs you to give him a lift to the mall so he can buy a new Blu-Ray movie or eat at the food court, then you need to say no. That’s supporting the poor choices and that’s not beneficial to either party. In fact, that’s pretty close to enabling, which is something you definitely do not want to do. And, in addition to that, do not, under any circumstances, provide financial assistance. Let him deal with the ramifications of his poor choices and decisions (unless there are kids involved. But then I would do it in the form of a gift for the kids rather than cash to the adult in question).
- Walk away. Sometimes it gets to be too much. You offer advice and it gets ignored. You try to stay positive and you only get negativity. You provide options and suggestions and they’re dismissed. You show them why they can and they tell you why they can’t. You’re polite and are met with rudeness. A person can only handle so much before she gets fed up and can’t do anything more. If you’re at the point where you’ve done all you can do and you’re exhausted from the constant drama, walk away. Protect your sanity. It can’t be your problem forever.
A person can change his (or her) financial situation if he wants to. But first he has to take responsibility for the actions and choices and decisions that put him there. Because without accepting and acknowledging those, there’s no foundation for change. A person has to see his errors before he can change them. And if he’s not willing to see those, or continually makes excuses for his perpetually bad circumstances, then it’s not worth making yourself crazy (or broke) to help.
Readers, have you ever known a person like this? How did you handle the situation?
Pauline says
We are having my BF’s friend over for Easter and he can’t drink responsibly. We have tried the first 3 steps and are thinking about reaching 4 after this holiday. I already walk away when it is too much and just leave BF and the guy’s GF to take care of him, as well as you may mean for people, the whole world isn’t your responsibility to fix.
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Grayson @ Debt Roundup says
I think the main issue here is that there are now too many people like this out there. I try to encourage and support people like this, but I have learned that there are times when I just have to walk away. I can only provide so much advice and they have to take it and use it in order for change to happen. I got out of debt because I only blamed myself and knew that I was the solution.
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Mrs. Pop @ Planting Our Pennies says
I have definitely known people like this – but it often happens in areas outside of finances, too! A (formerly) good friend refused to take personal responsibility for her life. She felt helpless and hopeless and we tried and tried steps 1-3, but eventually had to go to step 4. We hear through the grapevine that she is doing okay, but aren’t sure if she’s any happier… =(
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Brick By Brick Investing | Marvin says
I use to experience this all the time with friends and family but finally got tired of getting so frustrated! Therefore I don’t talk finances with anyone unless they come to me at first, but 9 times out of 10 I find myself at the “walk away” stage.
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Laurie @thefrugalfarmer says
Jana, such a nice post!!! I love the well-thought out tips. We have people like this in our lives too. It is VERY hard to watch as family and friends continually screw up, isn’t it? You fear for them and what the future holds. But by following the above tips, at least a person knows they’ve done all that they can do to help.
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Canadian Budget Binder says
Yes, I have family and a best friend who are not responsible with money at all. It seems they were in a rush to grow up and have it all and now they are stuffed until they find their way out. I’ve tried to talk about it with them, help them but it seems people will do what they want. Sometimes it’s not until they hit rock bottom that they seek out help and may want to listen. Great post.
KK @ Student Debt Survivor says
My BIL is a financial “hot mess” and has very little restraint/responsibility when it comes to the things he buys. We worry that his bad financial decisions will drag down my sister, but it’s pretty touchy to get involved, so for now we just offer suggestions when they specifically ask. Otherwise we stay quiet. it’s hard.
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Mo' Money Mo' Houses says
The walk away point is super important. Some people just don’t want to listen to good advice, and if it’s not your problem (which it most likely isn’t) you need to just walk away.
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Deb says
The day DH and I walked away from his sister and her husband was when we dropped by as a surprise and saw their trash at the curb.
After we had given them thousands during that year to help them pay bills and keep a roof over their child’s head we saw a twelve pack beer box.That wasn’t so bad, but BIL was inside their filthy house playing online poker for real money on his new laptop, smoking a cigarette and eating fast food. SIL was watching her flat screen in her robe at 1 pm on a Tuesday.
Meanwhile, they got a call from the school while we were there that their son needed someone to come get him from school early because he wasn’t wearing proper clothes. SIL yelled into the phone that she wasn’t up when he left for school, how was SHE supposed to know what her 8 yo was wearing?
Jana says
I couldn’t handle that. That’s not just lack of personal responsibility, that’s poor parenting. They’re lucky if the school doesn’t call child protective services.
With regard to the money, at that point I would have just called it a wash and never looked back, expecting never to see a dime repaid to me.