Today, or yesterday, or possibly even Tuesday, marked the 18th anniversary of my and my husband’s very first date. It was my sorority hayride/date party and the reason we can’t remember the exact date is because we’re old and we have no recollection of whether the hayride happened on a Friday or Saturday and when I asked on Facebook last year, no one else could remember either. So we picked the general time frame and rolled with that.
Over the last 18 years, I’ve learned more than I ever thought possible about being in a relationship with someone (the first: never assume the boyfriend you have your sophomore year of college won’t turn out to be your husband). I’ve shared a bunch of those before but I felt it was time to update that original list with a few more.
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- Laugh. At yourselves, at each other, at other people. Doesn’t matter. Just take the time to laugh.
- Keep private things private. Facebook is not the place to air your relationship dirty laundry. Keep that shit locked down.
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- Learn about your partner’s hobbies. Even if they bore the shit out of you. It doesn’t mean you have to like the same things but showing an interest in what they like is respectful and makes incessant conversations about them less intolerable. And you may find they’re not as terrible as you thought.
- Have some secrets. Not about big things like debt or an unhealthy addiction but small things like bathroom habits or nose picking. A little mystery is just fine.
- Don’t fight about money. I know that money is a leading cause of divorce and all that, but if you can learn to deal with it and talk about it civilly, it will have a huge impact on your relationship.
- Separate Netflix queues. Especially if your taste is awesome and their taste sucks, which is probably the case. But it is equally important to have a few shows you can obsess over together.
- Try new things together. It can be a new food, a new activity, a new genre of movie, or even socializing with a new group of friends. Having those experiences as a couple can bond you.
- Take care of each other. This can be a matter of picking up tissues and NyQuil, being a shoulder to cry on or ear to listen to, or simply helping with something mundane like laundry or cooking. But that emotional physical support is key.
- Embrace quirks. We’ve all got them. Some of us might have more than others. Instead of trying to change the fact that all the hangers have to face the same way or toasted bread has to go in the freezer because the texture of toast is good but the heat is not, just accept it. In fact, the quirks might even make you love the person more (or maybe not. Sometimes they make you run away and that’s okay, too).
- Hate the same people. It’s so much easier if you do.
- Talk to each other. Even the mundane work shit or annoying client stories or some random fact you heard on a podcast or the news, talk to one another. Sure, the long, in-depth, deep conversations about goals and the future are nice, but every so often, you need to debate the best breakfast cereal or what the hell is going to happen to Juice.
- Throw out a compliment every now and again. Just to show you’re paying attention, you care, and you want your significant other to feel good.
- Make time for each other. This goes with #11. You carve out time each week to spend with just your significant other, alone, to do…whatever it is you feel like doing. There are dozens of ways to find time for one another no matter how busy the schedule and doing this reminds you that your relationship is important enough to pause everything else.
- Don’t compare yourself to other couples. And certainly don’t try to be like them. Every couple is distinctly different and trying to imitate someone can spell disaster for yours. Sure, another couple may have qualities you’d like to have, and that’s something to strive for but never forget what make your relationship unique and why you stay in it in the first place. Work on improving the relationship you’re in by staying true to who you are and what you value.
- Be yourself. Pretending to be someone you’re not is a surefire way to ruin a relationship, no matter how long you’ve been in it. Yes, you will evolve and some things may change but at your core, you’ll be who you are. Your partner needs to love you that way. Not the way they’d like you to be.
- Finally, you know that this true
Being in a relationship is work. Never let anyone tell you otherwise. But if you’re in the right relationship for you, you won’t mind doing the work. Even on the days you feel like putting your murder plan into action.
Fantastic list! My boyfriend and I were definitely happier after we figured out exactly how much money to share and how much to keep separate. And we make an effort to try new things together every so often. It’s nice being able to share some interests, but also go off into separate corners when we’re cranky or in need of some solitude.
Oh, and the Facebook thing! I’m always shocked when people vent about their significant other to the whole world. It’s so disrespectful to their partner. I don’t even like the lovey dovey stuff. I mean, you live together, so why not tell them how much you care in person, instead of broadcasting it? Does the public audience make it more meaningful for you, somehow?
Jenn @ Business, Life & Design recently posted…A Breakup Letter to Society
yes to all of these. especially the private things private – my husband and i rarely have big fights anymore, but im sure we will – i don’t share it with anyone because people hold it against them. i know because my friend is married to a douchebag that we all hate, and we wouldnt hate him if she hadn’t told us everything he does in private. i seriously agree with every single one of these 🙂 except maybe the murder one, but we haven’t been together that long 😉
Kristen recently posted…Rest of the Year Goals
Great post! Yes to all of these.
It is utterly freaking insane when people talk about serious domestic fights on social media. Stop it. Really.
I swear your hayride was on a weekday. Like a Thursday. No?
SMD @ Life According to Steph recently posted…Things that chap my ass*
Maybe it was on a Thursday! We honestly cannot remember. A Thursday seems more likely than a Friday or Saturday for something like that.
These are great! I totally agree with learning about their hobbies. His hobbies are definitely not always something I’m super interested in, but I try to learn as much as I can and participate somewhat because I care about him and what’s important to him is important to me! And also trying new things together, that way you can maybe find a hobby or activity you are both interested in and enjoy!
Julia recently posted…Confessing Time
I can honestly say that I will never like golf but taking an interest in it means that I’m not as bored when he talks about it and I can appreciate it when he wants to play or watch. Same goes for his understanding of blogging.
I have no idea what day I meant Tyson or went on our first date, in September sometime is the best I can do. It was 15 years ago, how do people remember that kind of stuff?
Kelli recently posted…Book Review: Peter Pan Must Die
I have no idea how they do it. And I really don’t understand the people who get mad when their boyfriend/girlfriend forgets mundane anniversaries. Do they remember the big ones? Then let the rest of it go.
SUPPORT. also: MAINTAIN YOUR OWN INDIVIDUALITY. as in do your own shit and let him do his. i can’t stand it when people are all “WE” and never do things apart. this one person i know “doesn’t watch scripted shows” (ie. regular television shows) because his partner doesn’t like them. wtf???
another thing that we do: when we fight, we let it all out. none of this passive aggressive bullshit. if my husband pissed me off because he did x, y, and z, i tell him exactly why i’m mad. i dont have time to “drop hints” or “he should know why” <– people are not mind-readers. then we talk about it, he says sorry for being a dillhole and we move on.
kathy@vodka and soda recently posted…fitness gripes
Those were actually in my original list because YES! You need to maintain your individuality and as for your friend who doesn’t watch regular TV because his partner doesn’t like them, what the hell? That’s ridiculous. You don’t have to like or pretend not to like something just because the person you’re with does or doesn’t (this sentence has gotten away from me and I’m not sure if it makes sense anymore).
And passive aggressive fighting? Nope. If I’m mad, he’s going to know it. And he’ll know why. I’ve got too much else to do to play bullshit games.
Such great advice and so true. You need to keep some mystery but also share. Facebooking personal shit gives me so much rage. My sister and niece do it about each other and it seriously makes me want to slap them. Nobody needs to know your business like that.
Kerry recently posted…Winter Book Challenge
So much of this list is… Yep!
Re: getting mad about missing anniversaries… I’d always be in the doghouse if I had to remember all the “significant” dates.
Heck I never even remember our wedding anniversary and PiC has *always* made the plans for those dates for us because I suck at it. Doesn’t mean I love him any less, I’m just bad at remembering these things and planning for them. I pretty much manage to take care of his birthday, that’s it.
And I’m sure things will change further with a kid. But I’m really happy that we’re at the point where even if you are contemplating murder over one disagreement or another, you know you’ll sort it out.
It’s such a fairytale that society perpetuates that the true love formula is getting past that one big obstacle to be together. Nope. Nope nope.
Revanche recently posted…Have I lost my fire?
Wonderful post! I thank the universe every day for my person. We are together a lot! He has a home office. I worked from home and have been home since January 2005! We always laugh.
It’s great. We have a beautiful family and a beautiful life!!! Thanks for a great post!
Love, SMD’s Momma
Awesome list. Agree with every single one of these. Being able to laugh and be yourself around your hubby/partner/whoever is SO important. Me and my OH have made a promise to each other that we’ll never stop being silly together – making faces, silly voices, and the kind of imbecilic stuff you do as a kid! But it makes us laugh.
Jaina recently posted…While you’re being creative, nothing is wrong
Even thought I’ve been with my fiance for a year now, he’s my first “real” relationship, so I’m still learning a lot of these things. Overall, I think we’re doing a pretty good job of following these habits, but we do slip. It’s nice to know that it’s “normal” in a relationship 🙂
Amanda @ My Life, I Guess recently posted…A Day in the (Unemployed) Life
Yes!!!!! Yes to every single last thing on your list! And that last meme…..so freaking true! SO TRUE! And so is that ecard, because really…I cant train someone else on all my shows. gosh!
I always tell my newly married friends (more newly married than I) that my number one piece of advice is to pick your battles. Don’t nag each other over every single little thing. Chose a few things that are super important to you, and let the rest of it go. Because really, is it that important to get every single thing your way? NO!
Nadine recently posted…The Facts of Nadine
Love the Chris Rock quote!!! Definitely true. (Kinda like parenthood?) I think along with embrace the quirks is celebrating the other person’s strengths. I could rant for days about all the things I wish my husband did differently, but he’s not going to start liking yardwork at this point in his life, so maybe I just need to enjoy the things he is great at — like dealing with all technology and the fact that he’s a really good cook! (Even if our definitions of a clean kitchen are pretty different.)
Sarah @ Beauty School Dropout recently posted…Perspectives on Motherhood and Writing
Love this post. Very true. Life can get busy, but at 8 every night we make sure to spend time together. Happy Anniversary!
Amber recently posted…What I’m Doing On Halloween
Oops… I dropped the ball on nose picking. I actually wipe my boogers on Pete sometimes. He is not amused. hahaha
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