I am so excited that today has finally happened! When I first saw this linkup via Life According to Steph, I knew immediately that my participation was mandatory but I clearly do not pay close enough attention and have missed it. For the last two months. But not this month. No, this month, friends, I will delight you with shit my husband says. And trust when I say, it's been worth waiting two months.
I had to narrow it down to about 5 of his biggest gems because barely a day goes by where I don't look at him and say something along the lines of “did you seriously just say that” or, more likely, “what the fuck is wrong with you?”
It's that bad. Then again, I say some pretty stupid shit so one day I might let him takeover and share my superior intelligence. With some heavy editing, mainly because the man sometimes spells his name wrong, and I want you to be able to read it. On the plus side, at least it'll be typed. The man has serial killer handwriting.
That's enough about that.
Let's get to the good stuff. Shit my husband says.
Husband: what appliance do you think is most like a person?
Me: what the hell kind of question is that?
Husband: seriously, what appliance do you think is most like a person?
Me: I have no idea.
Husband: a juicer. Want to know why?
Me: not really but you're going to tell me anyway, aren't you.
Husband: a juicer is most like a person because you put stuff in the mouth, liquid comes out the front, and the pulp goes out the back.
Me: I don't even want to know how and why you thought of that.
Driving past a local fast food restaurant, DogTown, husband says he wants to put on a crown, walk into the place and proclaim “I am The Lord of DogTown!!!”
Points for the skateboarding movie reference.
Another out of the blue husband proclamation–There are two kinds of people in this country. Felons and voters.
I had no response because he is not entirely wrong.
Husband: hey! Look what I can do! I can cross my toes over each other and now it looks like I only have three toes!
Me: why did you need to know that?
Husband: in case I'm ever in a situation where I only need three toes.
Husband: I was thinking about our teeth and the dogs and that if we had nano bots in our mouths, they'd be in the shape of snowplows.
Me: what is wrong with you?
Husband: what, somebody has to think of this stuff.
Me: and you designated yourself that person?
Husband (ignoring me completely): so the nano bots would go in and clean your teeth and scrape out the plaque.
Me: so what a dentist does?
Husband: they would replace dentists. The dentists would be in charge of the nano bots.
Me: now dentists are nano bot overlords? I can't take it anymore.
Bonus gem: He said this while folding laundry, knowing unmatched socks are one of my pet peeves. Of course he has to point out what he's doing and says “I don't match socks on purpose. It's my rebellion against maturity”.
And that, friends, is what I choose to live with. I'm pretty sure I'm crazier than he is.