Jana Says

Living life from cover to cover

Tag Archive: humor

Working titles

Now that I’m 40 I think it might be time to write my memoir. After all, I have a few decades of experience to share along with some wisdom and knowledge and truth bombs (that’s the term the kids are using these days, right?).

But what to name it? I have a few working titles:

Where’d I Park My Car?: A Life in 50 Parking Lots

Inspiration: My Life Between Sneezes

Hiding in the Bathroom: 47 Ways to Get Some Damn Peace

I Conquered Laundry Mountain: Great Achievements of the 90s-Now

That’s Where That Went!: Things I’ve Found in My Bra

Sure, I Like Her (and Other Lies I’ve Told)

I’m Not a Joiner: Tips for Avoiding the PTA

Wear Those Pants All Week and Don’t Wash Your Hair: A Style Guide for Moms

Carpool Confessions

Cereal, Grilled Cheese, and Chips: A Weeknight Cookbook

What do you think? What would you name your memoir?

Losing my New York State of Mind. Or am I?

I’m in New York this week visiting my family so I figured it would be appropriate to write something about me being a native New Yorker. Even though I’ve lived in Delaware for roughly half of my life, I grew up on Long Island and being a New Yorker is like having an STD or something less disgusting that gets in your blood and stays there. No matter how much time I spend away, when I go back, it’s like I never left except I always forget about sales tax and that shit throws me off. We don’t have sales tax in Delaware so I fail to plan for it and man, does it mess up the price of things. When it says something costs $5, IT NEEDS TO COST $5. Not $5.18. GET IT TOGETHER, NEW YORK.

Moving on. 

As I said before I got distracted, there are some part of me that will remain forever a New Yorker despite my years away. Like these:

I will always believe that bagels or pizza or Italian Ices (hey there, Ralph’s) are better in New York (and, let’s be clear. By “New York”, I mean everything below Westchester County. Upstate is a whole different animal).

I will always bleed orange and blue and will never, ever defect to the dark side of sports. And by that, I mean becoming a Philadelphia sports fan (sorry, Steph). 

mets

I will always play Jewish geography. For those unaware, it’s a game that I’m pretty sure New Yorkers invented where two Jewish people meet and they see how many people they have in common. There’s usually one. It’s weird.

If I tell you that I’m from Long Island, and you tell me you know someone who lives there and ask if I know them, rest assured, I do not. Long Island has A LOT of people and I’m pretty sure I don’t know your college roommate’s uncle’s friend’s daughter’s first grade teacher. Unless they grew up in my town and are roughly my age. Or they’re Jewish (because see above).

While we’re on that topic, if you ask me where on Long Island I’m from and I tell you and you nod like you know what I’m talking about, I will always know when you don’t, especially if you say something like “oh, that’s near The Hamptons, right?” No. No, it’s not. Visiting there one time does not make you an expert. 

If I do meet someone from Long Island or even Queens or Brooklyn which is like NYC lite but like Long Island’s moderately cooler older cousins, even if we grew up in different parts, it’s an instant friendship. And if not friendship, it’s at least a good hour or two of conversation. We’re kindred. 

I will always, always hate the Belt Parkway. I’m pretty sure the road to hell is an exact replica. 

I will always talk fast, drive fast, be cynical and sarcastic, say “coffee” and “talk” and”dog” other words like that exactly the way you expect a New Yorker to say them and #noshame and yes, my husband has a mild Southern accent and yes, when we fight, it kind of sounds like the Civil War but again, #noshame

I will always cringe when I hear people call New York City “The Big Apple” or something else horrifically cheesy. It’s how we know you’re a tourist or trying too hard. It’s “The City”. Nothing else. Also, Manhattan is not the only part of the city. If you don’t know all 5 boroughs, well…learn your NY geography.

Don’t do this. Just don’t.

I will always feel nostalgia and pride for how and where I grew up because, despite all the years I spent clamoring to leave, I know I couldn’t have grown up anywhere better.

I will always be okay with the label “New York native” because if I’m going to have a label, that’s a pretty good one to have.

resized signature 2

#thingsicantdo

I might have done a post like this before but I can’t remember so I’m doing it again and maybe one day I’ll go back through all my posts and delete duplicates because I really need to clean up this little blog space of mine. 

And now, for your reading pleasure, here’s a list of things I can’t do:

Whistle. Also, the sound of whistling makes me crazy. #auralassault #itmightbejealousy

Snap my fingers. It’s even more embarrassing when I meet a child who can and shows me up. #noonelikesashowoff

Drink wine. I could at one point. Then there was an incident. It involved a Home Depot bucket, barfing on my neighbor’s lawn (sorry, Dave and Krista), and passing out in a bar’s bathroom. #didnthappeninmytwenties 

Cook a pie from scratch. And I have tried. The expression “easy as pie”? All lies. #storeboughtisfinesometimes

Understand more than 6 consecutive words in any Beastie Boys song released after 1990. I usually don’t have a problem understanding song lyrics. Their songs mystify me. #butisingalonganyway

Fall asleep without reading at least 10 pages of a book. My day doesn’t feel complete unless I’ve read at least a few pages and not reading makes it even more difficult to sleep. #readingisfundamental 

Go a day without quoting a movie. #itsaproblem

Do a smoky eye, curl my hair properly, or use bronzer. This is why I look pale and tragic, my hair is always a mess, and I have worn my eye shadow the same way since roughly 1992. #butthebigbangsaregone

Use modern day slang and sound acceptable when I do it. #toooldtocare

Reach things in high places. #shortpeopleproblems

Run or jump. #bigboobproblems

Not get excited about my birthday. It’s next Friday and I’m already planning all the free things I’m going to get. #freeforthewin

Now that you know some of my limitations, tell me some of yours. What can’t you do?

 

resized signature 2

 

Linking up for #hashtaghumpday 

#Hashtaghumpday @ Life with Lolo