Jana Says

Living life from cover to cover

Tag Archive: confessions

Friday Six-Pack: Reset the counter

It’s been quite awhile since I’ve done a weekly recap but I figured maybe I should start that again. Maybe I’ll even begin including pictures (insert collective gasp)!Friday Six Pack

Not too interesting of a week but there were some highlights:

  • I bought planner stickers. They were on sale and I get jealous of Kathy and Rebecca Jo‘s pretty planners so I figured for $3, what the hell. Now I own the stickers and I don’t know what to do with them. Suggestions?
  • Mr. Robot is the biggest mindfuck of a show in the history of ever and I watched LOST. Just when I think I get it, I don’t. But damn, Craig Robinson, are you good at being creepy and my 15 year old self loves seeing Christian Slater every week.
  • Last weekend, my town had a big craft beer festival to support our historic preservation society or something like that. So we went. I had fun, despite the 8 billion degree weather and despite eating tacos from a stand advertising “Taco’s” (At first, I did refuse to eat from there due to the poor grammar but you know…drunk) and despite eating tacos rather than Old Bay tater tots. I did successfully avoid using the portapotty and I made some new friends. Many wins for me!
  • I finished The Life Changing Magic of Not Giving a Fuck by Sarah Knight. You guys. READ THIS FUCKING BOOK. If you listen to The Armchair Librarians, you heard me discuss it and I’ll do so in-depth for the next Show Us Your Books but expect many references to this book around these parts in the near future. 
  • Speaking of books, my next library haul is going to be nuts. So many books, so much diversity in topic, and one of them is Lady Cop Makes Trouble!!!!  IG post coming as the books roll in (not following me on IG? You should!) or after I hit the library at some point today, depending on how many are there. 
  • The child is now the proud owner of an iPhone. I’m not prepared for this. Also, does anyone else not give a fuck about the iPhone7? I’m quite happy with the 6 and I am in no rush at all to buy the new one, especially before others buy it and I hear feedback. I might wind up getting one when the times comes for an upgrade on my line but I don’t care enough to make it a priority. Mostly because it’s a fucking phone. 

A funny:

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Enjoy your weekend! I’ll be celebrating my mother-in-law’s 60th and a childfree Friday night while she’s at some cheer team bonding sleepover thing. Hope you do something fun, too!

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Six word biographies

 

Since Lisa borrowed my idea for a post, I’m borrowing hers. All’s fair in love and writer’s block. 

Except I’m doing mine without pictures because I’m an incredibly lazy blogger and also I hate making images. don't like doing it

Life is messy. So am I.

Organizing my house is wasted effort. Because dogs and child and husband. 

Without lists, I would be lost.

Speaking of lost, directions are hard. So is finding all the lists. 

Sleep is great. Books are better. 

Music soothes me when beer’s inappropriate. 

WHY IS THERE SO MUCH LAUNDRY?

Nail polish, eye shadow, lip gloss. 

Bad things happened. I’m still standing.

Parenting is mostly cooking, swearing, and signing papers.

(That was more than six words.) Sometimes I break rules for fun.

I openly steal other people’s words. Because sometimes they sum it up.

Some like beautiful, perfect and prettyI see the good in the bad and the ugly

What are some of your six word bios? 

 

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P.S. Happy birthday, Mackenzie!! Hope you have an awesome day! I’m so glad I know you!

That time I realized I’m an adult

Confession: About a year ago, I submitted a few posts to a very large, popular website, at their request, after I had contacted them about being a regular contributor.  I sent my stuff and then never heard from them again.

Guys. I got ghosted.

I never thought I’d say that but there it is.

My confidence took a huge shot in the ass but looking at it objectively now, it really was for the best. I am decidedly not a good fit over there. However, I don’t want the posts hibernating in perpetuity so I’m sharing it today. Side note: part of this is a companion/precursor to this post

Hope you like it more than the website did. 

Can you identify the moment or experience that made you feel like a real, actual adult? 

I can’t. 

Because in my 38 years, there wasn’t one specific, exact moment that did it. For me, it was an accumulation of events over about dozen years. Things like: 

  • The first summer I had a job in an office, not at a camp.
  • The first fall I didn’t have to buy school supplies or stress about my class schedule.
  • Picking a health insurance plan.
  • Setting up a retirement account.
  • Eating a bowl of Raisin Bran. And enjoying it.
  • Learning to pay attention to my money–including what things cost–and making decisions based on that.
  • Realizing I need a will. And a burial plot.
  • Telling my dad not to touch the thermostat in my house. 
  • Bringing my daughter home from the hospital.
  • Clipping coupons and remembering to bring them along on a shopping trip.
  • Getting overly excited at having received a Dyson for Christmas. See also: new stove
  • Making doctor appointments for health problems that definitely weren’t there when I was a kid.
  • Dealing with a hangover for 3 days instead of 3 hours. 
  • Being able to do the things I want and not have to do the things I don’t.
  • Purposefully and intentionally paying attention to current events.
  • Actually using the phrase “kids today”. And referring to 20 year olds. 
  • Asking my daughter to turn down her music.
  • Debating the merits of a 4 door car versus a 2 door.

Admittedly, some of those just make me seem old and not necessarily an adult but for all intents and purposes, let’s just say they go hand in hand.  

Looking at the list, it’s obvious that my progression to adulthood included becoming more responsible, self-sufficient, and making better, more practical choices. You know, the stuff you watched your parents do. It still amazes me that I do all those things. Not necessarily every day, but most days. And while the items on the list definitely contributed to progression into adulthood, it wouldn’t have been complete without a shift in mindset. 

My mindset shift happened in two phases over the same dozen years. The first was realizing that I actually AM an adult. It was something I kept denying but one day, like Michael Scott declaring bankruptcy, I just said screw it, accepted my fate, and declared I was an adult. That declaration forced me to own the fact that on paper, by age, and according to laws, I was, in fact, a real live grown up. 

That’s some scary shit. 

But I had to accept it. It wasn’t going away. 

Adulthood was permanent. 

Once I accepted my adulthood, that’s when the second mindset shift happened. That one involved me saying something along the lines of “holy crap! I’m an adult! I can do whatever I want! I get to make my own rules!”

Because for me, the best part of my progression into adulthood, was not a specific benchmark or event, but the moment I took ownership of my life and my decisions and realized I can create my life to be anything I want it to be. 

I get to pick where I live.

I can do whatever I want for a living.

I define my style.

I can say no to plans and obligations and invitations.

I can eat only bacon for breakfast. Or Fritos. Or cake. Or all 3.

Of course, all the regular adult responsibilities go along with the luxury of creating the life I want. But I still get to do it. 

You can’t beat that. 

I realize my progression towards adulthood isn’t reflective or representative of everyone else’s. Some naturally grow into it sooner, some are thrown into it by circumstance, some wait way longer, and for others, the defining characteristics look completely different. 

But that’s the shining beacon of adulthood. 

It’s your life and you can define it however you choose. 

Stuck and afraid

You guys. I think I’m afraid of success. 

I think it’s why I intentionally or unintentionally sabotage many of my efforts. It’s why I do almost nothing to improve or promote my blog. It’s most likely why I haven’t finished my fiction book or my nonfiction book. It’s probably why I haven’t done much to launch my author coaching business or let people know that I work as an acquisitions editor for a publishing company. It’s why I’m still struggling to lose weight. 

And it’s not so much because I’m afraid of the work that goes into doing all of that. I like work. I’m happier when I’m working and my schedule is full. My time management is better, my depression is at bay, and I’m just a general better person when I’m productive and working. But deep down, in the places I don’t talk about at parties, I’m terrified of what that hard work will produce. 

What am I terrified of, exactly? Here’s a sample:

  • Higher expectations placed on me by both myself and others
  • Haters. It’s not that I care what people think of me, per se, it’s more that I don’t have a thick enough skin or am Teflon enough not to take terrible comments personally. I’m already my own bully. I don’t need strangers doing it, too.
  • Fame. Not so much in the Beyonce sense but any sort of notoriety scares the shit out of me (you can see this post for why I don’t want to be famous)
  • Money. The thought of having excess money makes me nervous. Not 100% sure why.
  • The idea of success and having to define what success actually looks like. 
  • Thinking about myself differently because I’ve achieved some arbitrary goal. Who am I if not someone who fails? Having to redefine my whole identity freaks me the fuck out. 

I realize that my self-esteem and self-confidence issues factor into this fucked up way of thinking in big, big ways. But if I don’t accept it and continue to deny both the fact that I have those issues and that they’re impeding my ability to succeed at whatever goals I have then I’ll never make any progress. 

At the same time, I can’t keep using them as a crutch or fall back to justify or support why I’m not succeeding at things. 

It’s a big fucking mess. And the hardest part is wanting to fix it but not knowing how. 

So I’m asking you guys for help. 

If you’ve had similar thought patterns to me, how have you overcome them? If you feel like I do, what gets you through on the really bad days? How do you put your shit aside and just get it done? How did you stop being afraid? 

Because right now I’m stuck. And being stuck is even worse than my fear of success.

 

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P.S. Last Friday was the one year anniversary of my miscarriage. I wrote a post for Ever Upward and if you guys would be so kind to check it out, I’d appreciate it. 

Hey, it’s okay: Vacation edition

Amber over at Airing My Laundry hosts a linkup every Tuesday. Sometimes I like to join in. Today’s one of those times. 

Hey, It's Okay!

For me, it’s okay that:

    • We totally hired a pet sitter because of our cat. Not the dogs. The cat. Who sometimes has to be forced back into the house. The cat who will probably sleep outside every night we’re gone, defeating the whole purpose of having a pet sitter. The cat who won’t go near a single person except me because she’s an asshole who hates everyone. 
    • I bought a bunch of our tickets for Boston attractions and hotels with Groupons or credit card rewards or using online discounts. I like to travel but there’s no need to always pay full price. 
    • I haven’t gone full grocery shopping in like two weeks because of our vacation. I don’t need to come home to rotting food. I’m also dreading the big, expensive shopping trip coming up. Because it means lots of groceries to put away. I don’t like to do that. 
    • I am ridiculously excited to have a week free of everything. Laundry, work, cooking, chores, cheerleading, the parent pickup line…all of it. 
    • I feel no pressure to share my whole vacation on social media. But I’m sharing some so go ahead and follow me on Instagram for a week free of cat and dog pictures (but, let’s be honest, if I find a cat or dog, I’m taking a picture).
    • I totally want to find a historic bookstore or at least make a stop at the Boston public library because books don’t stop for vacations. 
    • The history nerd in my is going berserk over all the American history we’re going to see. We also might take a trip to Colonial Williamsburg in May after US Finals in Virginia Beach and this makes my heart and brain insanely happy. 
    • That a small part of me wishes we were headed somewhere warm because who in their right mind goes to Boston in March?
    • We only planned a 5 day trip so it can be bookended with weekends, giving us time to gear up and then recover. Also Easter. 
    • I enjoy my job but this: 

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Also linking up with Nadine and Kathy for Humpday Confessions a day early because confession, I don’t have enough content ideas for more than 3 posts a week. 

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