Jana Says

Living life from cover to cover

Ramble on

Brace yourselves. It’s a Jana rant and ramble coming full speed ahead.

It’s been almost 2 weeks since my last post. Some of that is due to laziness, some of it is due to end-of-summer-let’s-cram-in-everything-possible madness, and some of it is due the absolute endless dumpster fire that is this country. My brain is on fire, my soul aches, my patience is gone, my blood is hot, and I continually feel every emotion possible EVERY SINGLE DAY. I’ve been trying to work out the words to explain my thoughts and feelings but each time I try, I come away in tears and have to stop. You guys. I’m Jewish. Never in my life have I been this scared to be a Jew in this country. Have I dealt with ignorance and idiots and a lack of understanding and been treated like a freak on display? Absolutely, yes, constantly and still to this day. And I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve been told “you don’t look Jewish”. But that doesn’t matter. Because when I can watch the news and actually utter the phrase “I’ve never been so glad to have a non-Jewish sounding last name”, you know American anti-Semitism (yes, WordPress. It’s a real fucking word and the hyphen is supposed to be there. Stop with the red squiggly line yelling at me that I’m wrong) has reached a new level. Is it on par with the hate and vitriol other groups receive? Not in the least. I still have the comfort of white skin and I acknowledge that. But if something isn’t done, AND SOON, I don’t know how much longer I can say that. We’re all at risk in one way or another and if I’m being honest, arresting and charging the neo-Nazi featured on that VICE news segment isn’t going to help anything. It will fuel their already white hot hate fire. I’m not saying he should get away with anything; I’m just saying we need to brace ourselves for backlash. This isn’t a man who’s going to turn to his followers and say “do the right thing”. This is a man who’s going to turn to his followers and say “do the right thing”. 

We all know they have very different meanings. 

And the worst part is we have an unqualified man in a position of leadership who, instead of using that position to heal, uses it DAILY to divide and spread his hateful agenda. We all know this. And we all know why. He’s doing it because he aspires to be a fascist tyrant rather than a leader. He hurls insults and temper tantrums at anyone and everyone who doesn’t kiss his ass or even attempts to express slightly different opinion.  We all know that he wants to go to war because he wants his turn. He’s jealous of the praise and accolades heaped on Obama before, during, and after his presidency, and the man occupying that chair now can’t handle it. He wants it for himself, no matter how undeserving, and he’s obsessed with popularity rather than actually doing his fucking job. He doesn’t care how many people he has to hurt, harm, or isolate to get his way. He’s a spoiled petulant hateful child with anger issues, a lack of compassion and now, nuclear codes and the overt support of white supremacists with whom he sympathizes. 

Not sure which one is worse. 

While my anger continues to simmer, I have gotten to the point of oversaturation. I can’t stop consuming news and information because I need to know. I want to know. I HAVE TO KNOW what’s happening because my concern is that if I stop paying attention, I’ll miss something crucial. But it never ever fucking stops. We never get a rest or reprieve. Hell, even as I write this, we’re dealing with the fallout from his Arizona speech, the transgender military ban, and an active shooter in downtown Charlestown.  My brain cannot take one more detail or one more issues to be angry about but how do you stop when the world around you is burning down and while you might have a small platform, you still have a voice and a space to do something about it even if that something is vent so others don’t feel like they’re alone?

I guess, like an oversaturated towel, you wring yourself out, dry off a bit and get back to work. 

That’s pretty much where I am now. But I don’t know how to do that. Talking about the mundane, unimportant things like the fact that I ate probably the most delicious donut of my life last weekend feels like I’m neglecting what I should be talking about but at the same time, I can’t live in this cesspool all the time. It’s not healthy. I have to talk about other things. I have to maintain sanity because if I lose my shit, if I can’t stay informed and vigilant, I’m useless. 

I know I’ll figure it out. 

Eventually. 

And if you have any tips or suggestions, I’m all ears. 

P.S. Does anyone else have this go through their head every time 45 opens his mouth?

9 Comments

  1. Donna Freedman

    I share your rage and your outrage, and so do many others. You are not alone.
    Donna Freedman recently posted…Win at freelancing with the Earn More Writing course.My Profile

    Reply
  2. Jpm

    Every so often my parents will go on a “news diet” and while I think it could be a good thing I get nervous that if enough people go on a news diet we will be in worse shape then we are now.

    The hardest part about this presidency is that people voted for him. Some probably of my friends, I know some of my co workers did and it just hearts my heart.

    I don’t even know how to make small talk anymore.
    I’m so sorry you are hurting, that you are scared, that you are exhausted. My thoughts will be with you.

    Reply
    1. Heather Lockhart

      AGREE on the hardest part being that people I know voted for this idiot who is worse than I even imagined.

      Reply
  3. Elizabeth

    When my 13 year old daughter is showing me clips of people getting pepper-sprayed in Phoenix and asking me if it’s safe for her to go on the class trip to DC next month … this is 2017 in the United States of America. She shouldn’t have to be afraid. And yet this is what is going on. I share your rage as well.

    Reply
  4. Rebecca Jo

    Hang in there my friend.
    The sad thing is, we have a few years ahead of us with this roller coaster & if we think it’s bad now, I’m afraid it can always get worse. So we need to bunker down, rely on each other…. & try to find some peace wherever we can in the world for ourselves.

    Reply
  5. Tanya @ A Mindful Migration

    Oh Jana. I can’t even begin to imagine how hard those images from Charlottesville hit you. It just sickened me and scared me too. While I am a minority, I am lumped in the slightly less antagonized group, although presumably white supremacists are still not a fan of me and my kind. And it just puts this unbelievable pit in your belly and fear in your heart. You realize how backwards we’re going. How people can have so much hate in their hearts for people who differ than them. And I do blame Trump and a lily-livered Congress for being unwilling to stand up to him directly. Racial tensions and divide always existed but like the Mayor of Phoenix said, he doused them with gasoline and lit the match. And I love how the biggest victim of Charlottesville ended up being him.

    Like you, I can’t seem to stop reading the news and I need to find that balance because I’m stressed out. I can’t sleep. And I’m letting him and his ilk suck all the joy out of my life. I won’t let that happen. I don’t have answers for you but just know that we’re standing with you.

    Reply
  6. Ali A

    Yeah. I feel like I’m continuously beating a dead horse here but I go back & forth from needing a break from the news (it’s constant, CONSTANT bad/crazy/batshit/heartbreaking news) but also not wanting to be silent, complacent or ignorant about what’s going on. But how do you keep up? It’s something every. single. DAY. and it never, ever stops. There are so many of us out here just looking to see something — anything — change. I can’t go on like this another 3ish years.

    Reply
  7. Brittany Pines

    First…I am so, so sorry. That doesn’t help, doesn’t mean anything, but I am. And all the rage and everything…you aren’t feeling it alone. People do care. We aren’t the ones on the news for the most part right now, but we exist.

    Second…you’re right, no one can live in that all the time. I read a book once and the author talked about having a friend who was a therapist for immigrants who were fleeing the country either due to extreme poverty or genocide- some type of mass tragedy. The therapist said that so many people came in going “Well I was on a boat with this boy but now he is on a boat with my cousin/going to a different country/etc.” No matter our greater circumstances, our brains know to focus on the little things sometimes. It’s a survival tactic, and it’s good. Eat the hell out of that donut, eat as many as you can, and then use that fuel to get to work. We have to stay strong, and sometimes you take a break from the battle to win the war. I don’t have that balancing act figured out yet either, but you’re totally right that we have to get it eventually.

    Reply
  8. Kay

    Hugs friend. Whats even worse to me is the unqualified man you speak of has a jewish son in law (alos unqualified), a converted jewish daughter and jewish grandkids …. yet he doesn’t denounce this disgusting behavious. Boggles my mind.

    Reply

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