Jana Says

Living life from cover to cover

Pillow talk

Romance novels and movies have perpetuated this stereotype that at night, couple lay awake, talking to each other about their hopes, dreams, likes, and all the other saccharine sweet stuff that makes you feel like you’ll never connect with someone on that deep of a level. 

Let me clear something up. 

It’s all bullshit. 

And that is why I bring you another installment of Shit My Husband Says: Pillow Talk edition. 

scott says 

Sure, in the beginning, you might have deep conversations, but after being 18+ years into a relationship, this is what your late night chatter really sounds like:

Husband (sticking out his hand, for me to shake): I have a deal for you. 

Me: I’m not shaking your hand. I don’t know what you’re going to say and I don’t trust you.

Husband: I promise, it’s nothing bad. I just…have a deal. 

Me (with piqued curiosity because this is the man who came home with a truckload of free rocks one time): I’m not shaking your hand. But I do want to know what you’re talking about. 

Husband: It involves bread products. 

Me: What?

Husband: Well, co-worker’s husband has some free time on his hands when he’s not working. He likes to just stop by places and check out what’s happening. He talks to people. He’s like me. A man about town. 

Me: You’re a man about town now? Do you need theme music?

Husband (blatantly ignoring me): Anyway. On one of his stops, he found out that there’s a truck that delivers bread products and leaves them out for people to take for free. I can get us some. 

Me: You know that’s there for people who actually need it, right? And aren’t you on a low carb diet? What do you need bread products for? 

Husband: It’s for you and Erica. So do you want me to procure them or not?

Me: Not. We’re not taking food away from people who can really use it. And “procure”? Really? 

Husband: But no one really knows about it. So it just sits there. I can get the bread products and then they won’t go to waste. 

Me: I can post about it. Get the word out.

Husband: Just don’t mention where we live. We don’t want competition for the bread products. 

Me (befuddled that he clearly doesn’t understand the concept of “getting the word out”): Stop saying “bread products”. It’s annoying. And we won’t have competition. Because you don’t need to ask him to pick some up for us. 

Husband (ignoring everything I’ve said): Okay. But when I come home with bread products, don’t think I stole them. 

At that point, I said good night and rolled over and went to bed. 

Because sometimes, I just can’t with him. 

Romance isn’t dead in my marriage but it’s definitely taken a long vacation. 

And I’m willing to bet you’re feeling a little better about your relationship right about now.

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28 Comments

  1. Linda sheridan

    God love him!! I agree with you! Let those who really need it have it.
    Carpe diem!
    Love , SMD’s Momma

    Reply
    1. Jana (Post author)

      He certainly keeps things interesting!

      Reply
  2. Julia

    LOL at “bread products” and “procure”! It actually sounds a lot like some of the conversations Adam and I have- just really random stuff you would talk about with your best friend. 🙂
    Julia recently posted…Let’s ConfessMy Profile

    Reply
    1. Jana (Post author)

      We have the most bizarre and random conversations. It’s fun. Odd timing. But fun.

      Reply
  3. Kenya

    OMG this is hilarious. Enjoy those bread products.
    Kenya recently posted…Instead of grieving, We will celebrate lifeMy Profile

    Reply
    1. Jana (Post author)

      I’ll try! I’ll share pictures of anything he brings home 🙂

      Reply
  4. Kate

    Well, if he does bring it home, you can send him right back on out again to a donation center! At least he is trying to be thrifty 🙂
    Kate recently posted…And the winner of Best Book of the Last Month (or so) is…My Profile

    Reply
    1. Jana (Post author)

      I give him props on the thriftiness, for sure!

      Reply
  5. SMD @ Life According to Steph

    Ha!

    We are so living a similar married life conversationally. MFD always wants to propose insane ideas to me right as I’m about to go to sleep.
    SMD @ Life According to Steph recently posted…Shit MFD Said Vol 14My Profile

    Reply
    1. Jana (Post author)

      I’m convinced he does it then because I’m half asleep and therefore more prone to say yes since I’m not fully aware of what I’m saying or what he’s proposing. He’s very sneaky.

      Reply
      1. Revanche

        PiC has totally pulled that on me. TOTALLY. He forgets that sleepiness is HIS weakness though, ask me something weird and it’ll wake me entirely.
        Revanche recently posted…The pants-free, unregistered, baby un-showerMy Profile

        Reply
  6. Kerry

    Haha! Procure! From the back of the truck? What is this the Sopranos?! Love it!
    Kerry recently posted…December Books I’ve ReadMy Profile

    Reply
    1. Jana (Post author)

      That’s what I asked him! Is there a black market for bread products? So weird.

      Reply
  7. kristen

    i love this post so much. and half the reason i dont do posts like these is because my husband says some crazy unromantic not suitable for blogland shit. haha.
    kristen recently posted…22 Random questions you never wanted to know the answer toMy Profile

    Reply
    1. Jana (Post author)

      Scott says LOTS of shit not suitable to repeat in any sort of forum. Not even with family. I pick out the safest stuff to share because it’s too good not to!

      Reply
  8. Revanche

    This is kinda great. I often share tidbits like this on Twitter because it IS too good not to.
    Honestly, DO people really engage in romantic conversations in bed? Because that definitely seems like a tv thing 🙂
    Revanche recently posted…The pants-free, unregistered, baby un-showerMy Profile

    Reply
    1. Jana (Post author)

      It does seem like a TV thing. Or a new relationship thing. Definitely not a long-term relationship thing.

      Reply
  9. Nadine

    Bread products? Procure? LOL!!! Those would be the last words out of Chris’s mouth before sleep. He comes up with some off the wall ideas from time to time too and they are always interesting to hear and then quickly reject as well.
    Nadine recently posted…ConfessionsMy Profile

    Reply
    1. Jana (Post author)

      I seriously don’t know where he gets this shit from. He’s ridiculous.

      Reply
  10. Kay R.

    hahaha too funny!! Bread products … lol i LOVE IT!
    Kay R. recently posted…Beauty wish listMy Profile

    Reply
    1. Jana (Post author)

      He REFUSED to be specific about which ones!

      Reply
  11. Amos

    Just don’t mention where we live, we don’t want competition for bread the products….. haha hilarious 🙂
    Amos recently posted…How Millennials Can Invest in their Future by Saving?My Profile

    Reply
  12. Amber

    Haha!

    I like how he said “bread products.”
    Amber recently posted…Things That Annoy Me Thursday: Confusing Common Core MathMy Profile

    Reply
  13. P.J.

    Did he procure the bread products?
    P.J. recently posted…20 Days of Chill Challenge: The Morning After (Day 10)My Profile

    Reply
    1. Jana (Post author)

      Not so far 🙂

      Reply
  14. Christina

    LOL! That’s totally hilarious! I’m so with you on romance taking vacations in marriage, but I’m typically ok with that. About once every two months we stay up till 3:00 am, deep in conversation. I’m too old for that any more often! Haha!
    Christina recently posted…That Time I Went To The Movies AloneMy Profile

    Reply
    1. Jana (Post author)

      I don’t even remember the last time we did that! Then again, I typically can’t make it past 1!!!

      Reply
  15. lisacng @ expandng.com

    You guys are cute! Who needs romance when you’ve got awkwardness and WT?! Heheheh. My husband is my source from laughs and head-smacking.
    lisacng @ expandng.com recently posted…My 5 All-Time Favorite Books on Book DelightMy Profile

    Reply

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