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mental health

Overwhelmed and eliminating it: The series

OverwhelmedFor a long time, I’ve wanted to do a month long series on DMS. I love the ones that Money Saving Mom, and several other bloggers, do. They’re informative, helpful, encourage action, and are engaging. But I didn’t want to do something like housecleaning or how to declutter or organizing your finances or renovating your grocery shopping habits. Those have already been done by Money Saving Mom and a number of other bloggers; I don’t want to reinvent the wheel. And those series are also really, really good. Probably better than what I could come up with (if you’re interested in those, I’ll be happy to point you in their direction).

So I decided to focus on something else. It’s more…feelings oriented but it’s a feeling that, if we’re not careful, can have a series impact on our finances. What am I talking about? I’m talking about feeling overwhelmed.

I once wrote a post about how I get overwhelmed and intimidated by other bloggers, specifically the fact that most of them seem more ambitious, dedicated, and creative than I. Many bloggers seem to have a number of successful ventures running at one time but meanwhile, I can’t even finish half a thought without getting sidetracked. While this has improved slightly since I wrote that last post, I still find myself getting overwhelmed with just how much there is to do.

I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one who has a problem with this. So I figured we could work through it together.

The series will focus 21 tasks I’ve established to manage feeling overwhelmed with work, life, blogging (or whatever hobbies you have), and everything else that happens on a basis. Starting Friday 5/3 (spending freeze recap will be tomorrow), and throughout the month of May, we’ll discuss a problem that causes anxiety and feeling overwhelmed and actions we can take to fix the problem (and we’ll also talk about how it can affect your finances. This is a personal finance site after all!). We’ll further the discussion on Facebook so make sure to like Daily Money Shot and participate in those discussions. I’d love your input!

Here’s the master list of tasks we’ll discuss (note—while the list is not in order, the tasks will be written in such a way that you can build on each new task with the previous one):

  1. Get organized
  2. Tackle one task at a time
  3. Make a list and prioritize that list
  4. Take a break
  5. Do a social media detox
  6. Create a schedule
  7. Accept your weaknesses
  8. Play to your strengths
  9. Don’t compare your situation to others
  10. Ask for help
  11. Limit your obligations
  12. Take a day off
  13. Make time for yourself
  14. Minimize and/or simplify
  15. Automate your finances
  16. Keep one master calendar
  17. Eliminate things you don’t like
  18. Create a meal plan
  19. Do what works for you
  20. Set goals. Write them down.
  21. Realize that it’s okay not to be perfect

A quick reminder: I am not a mental health professional. This series is based entirely on my experience living with anxiety and a paralyzing sense of feeling overwhelmed. If you are experiencing severe anxiety, depression, or any other type of mental dis-ease (got this from Joe Pantoliano’s book Asylum. A great read, by the way), please seek professional help.

So, who’s ready to conquer the beast of overwhelmedness (is that a word? No? It is now).


Inexpensive techniques for lifting a bad mood

Ever feel really crappy to the point of not wanting to get off your couch, not wanting to talk to anyone, not wanting to shower or even wear clean clothes? Me, too. And it sucks. A lot. Especially when it's hard to explain why you feel so awful when, on the surface, it doesn't look like there's anything to feel bad about. But it happens and we have to live with it.

Moods like that are hard to break. Believe me, I've tried. And over the last year, I have worked hard developing techniques and ideas to prevent that from happening again. Since we have a one-income budget and money doesn't flow as freely as it once did, I've devised some free and inexpensive ways to snap my bad mood when they happen:

Browse Pinterest. I realize this can have the reverse effect, particularly if you spend time browsing all the perfect homes and crafts and fashions. So don't do that. Instead, browse the animals section for a dose of fuzzy cuteness (this is my personal favorite section) or the humor section for a good laugh or inspirational, uplifting quotes. Create a board of all of your favorite feel good pins so the next time you're feeling bad, you have them all in one place. Or make a collage of your favorites, print a copy and hang it around your house or desk at work or wherever you need it.

Exercise. When my depression was diagnosed, my therapist mandated that I exercise in conjunction with my therapy and meds. And I can tell you, when I exercise regularly, I feel so much better. If going to a gym is too expensive, look for free classes in your community or find cheap, one time fee drop in classes. Or get outside and walk in the park or your neighborhood. Or rent an exercise DVD from the library or use Pinterest or YouTube to find routines you can do at home. Even 15 minutes is enough to make a difference.

Create. There is just something therapeutic about creating something. Not only does it take your mind off of what's bothering you but it boosts your ego a bit when you've finished the project. You can sit back and say “hey, I made that” and honestly. it feels great to say that. Instant mood lifter. It doesn't matter if it's something as simple as coloring a rainbow or paint by numbers or as sophisticated as cooking a gourmet meal or composing a song. When you're feeling down, tune into your creativity and indulge it. It doesn't have to be fancy or expensive either. A pen and the back of an envelope are enough.

Rest. Sometimes the stress of daily life gets to be too overwhelming. There are chores and errands and work and family obligations and bills and so many other stressors that after awhile, it takes its toll on a person. With all the demands on our time, and the desire to do it all perfectly (is that just me?), it's no wonder we're all so anxious and depressed. If you're feeling like this, give yourself permission to rest. Take a day off. Let the laundry go another day. Eat cereal for dinner. Go to bed early. Say no to plans. Nothing cures a bad mood faster than a good day's (and night's) rest. And, as an added bonus, it's free!

Make a gratitude list. There is no better way to feel shitty about yourself and your life than to compare it to those whose lives you perceive as perfect. Yes, there are people who are richer and in better shape and have a nicer house and more money. But so what? That doesn't devalue your life, home, health or anything else. When you're feeling down, make a list of 10 things you are grateful for; it doesn't need to be a list of material things. Anything you are grateful for will do. When you're done, take a few moments to reflect on what you wrote down. It'll encourage you to feel better (even when you don't want to).

As someone who has to work hard at being happy and feeling good, I employ these techniques often (but within reason). They really do work, and the effects last longer than a day at the spa or shopping. Because while those provide momentary relief, when they're done, that's it. There's no more. And then there's the whole dealing with the amount of money spent which causes more stress and depression and kind of defeats the purpose.

Readers, what are some inexpensive activities you engage in to help lift your mood?


When driven meets depression

A few days ago, someone described me using a word I never expected. He said I am driven.

I guess, on the surface, it looks that way. After all, in the year since I've left full-time, traditional employment, I've started a mentoring program (which, after my daughter, is the best thing I've ever created), started a blogger consulting business, finished NaNoWriMo and am currently editing the manuscript, have 2 other ideas I'm working on, and a few other personal things that I'm not ready to discuss (I know. It's surprising that I am not willing to share something. Maybe someday). And I somehow manage to work on all of this every week.

(And I've stopped napping every day, too. Okay, fine. I've stopped napping most days. That's a big accomplishment.)

While this may seem like the week of a driven, motivated person, it's really not. Because there, lurking beneath the surface, is my old nemesis. Depression. And her asshole sidekick, anxiety. When the two of them get together, they make it so that no matter how much I do or don't do, it just doesn't seem like enough. Or that I am doing something wrong. Or that I am not working hard enough and I should be doing more. Or that even my successes are somehow failures.

It's pretty shitty to live in my head. It's not fun to think that no matter how much you do or how hard you work, there should be more. I constantly doubt everything I do and every decision I make because that's what depression does. It gets a stranglehold on your self-esteem and self-worth and tells you you're not good enough and never will be. Depression is a big fat liar but it's really persuasive. You can help but buy what it's selling.

It's even more frustrating this time around because last year, I emerged victorious from a pretty severe bout of depression. (Actually, that bout was pretty damn close to a breakdown, but we can talk about that another time).

But that's not the worst part. No, for someone like me, who has tons of ideas and wants to work hard at refining them and making them the best I possibly can, the roadblocks that depression throws in the way are the worst part. When I am in the thick of an episode–like now–it takes everything I have to just barely function, never mind function at the capacity I know I can. And when I do have to fire with all cylinders, I am so exhausted for the next few days that even cooking dinner or doing anything that's not sitting on the couch takes every bit of energy I have. As a result, I spend days or weeks just doing the minimum I need to and falling behind, which costs me money and, even worse, opportunity.

Now that I think about it, maybe that's actually the worst part. Losing opportunity means that I am not advancing my ideas or selling my products and services or doing everything in my power to put DMS and Bloggers Helping Bloggers at the top of their game. None of my projects are where I want them to be and having to compromise my standards because of something I can't control just ramps up the anxiety and all it winds up creating is a shitstorm of frustration, lack of motivation, and a complete withdrawal from everything I enjoy and care about, although somehow I am able to pull it together for my daughter. I genuinely don't know how. Maybe it's the meds.

I hate depression. I hate that no matter how hard I try, I can't get rid of it. It's always there, like a really creepy stalker waiting to pounce as soon as I stop checking for it around the corner. While I am better armed to deal with its attacks now, and have figured out a way to at least control my money when it hits, it still hurts just as much.

The good news is that I know it'll eventually dissipate. The severity of this latest round will lessen and I will get back to my version of normal. I'll get back on track with all my projects and work at the capacity I know I can. I appreciate all of you hanging in there with me, letting me rant about my mental health issues, and the incredible support you give me daily. It's what prevented me from quitting blogging and it's what's giving me the encouragement to continue.

Well, that, and I really want to see my book in a bookstore.


It’s all in the words we choose

Shameless plug: When you’re done reading this post, check out the program description (if you haven’t already) for Bloggers Helping Bloggers, the mentoring program I founded a few months ago. The pilot phase just finished earlier this week and, with the help of J. Money at Budgets Are Sexy, I’m revamping the program for the next round (scheduled to begin in January 2013). We’ve got a lot of fun things planned and I hope you’ll join us, along with the other mentors and mentees already on board!  

Every night, before I go to bed, I take a 20 mg pill of Celexa. I do it so I can function as a normal, non-depressed, slightly less anxious, and productive person. Deciding that I needed medication was not easy; I didn’t want to become dependent on it and I really wanted to overcome my depression without the aid of pills. But, when several months of therapy and only part-time work, failed to show improvement, I knew I needed to do something else. Even if that method was my last, and completely undesirable, resort. So I went to my doctor (my therapist cannot prescribe medication) and obtained my prescription.

And I’ll tell you what. It’s made all the difference. Within a few days, I started feeling like myself again. Everyone close to me could see it, too, because many of them commented on the change in my personality. I could see, mainly in my ability to write and work and function as a wife and mother and friend. Eventually I had to admit, that yes, the medication did help and I had to admit that I needed it (for the record, this is the third time I’ve been on medication for depression. The other two times, the medication made my depression worse so I stopped taking it. I know now I was on the wrong meds).

It is for this reason that blog posts encouraging people to “choose happiness” bother me. It’s not like picking a breakfast cereal or a car; for many of us, it’s not that easy to just choose, no matter how much we may want it. We can follow all the advice in those posts and books perfectly yet something doesn’t click. And, believe it or not, when you’re trying to choose happiness and it doesn’t work, it just makes the depression worse. No one wants to be depressed (well, maybe some people do. I don’t know) and when we dispense advice that essentially dismisses the fact that there’s something chemically wrong with a person, telling them that they’re just making bad choices, it doesn’t help their situation.

Please trust me on that one.

But what the hell does this have to do with money?

As personal finance bloggers, we tend to overlook the fact that people might not have the skills to just get a job or create a budget or even open a bank account. We take for granted the knowledge we’ve acquired and assume that everyone has that same foundation. They don’t. I worked for years with people who barely knew how to pay their bills, obtain a non-driver’s license ID, or even how to dress properly for court, let alone a job interview. It was frustrating, exhausting, and even maddening to see their lack of skills. But sadly, it’s just a fact.

We have a responsibility to those people, to those who don’t have our knowledge and experience, to give them information they can use without assuming they have even an inkling about where to start. We can’t just tell them “create a budget” or “get a part-time job” or “pay your bills on time”. We have to tell them how and, if we can’t explain it, we need to point them to resources that can. It’s also important that remind them that at one point, we didn’t have that information either. But we learned it through hard work and asking questions and researching and learning. And we must encourage them to do the same.

So, before you dispense generic advice and commands, remember the people who might not have an easy time following them for whatever reason. It might not make a difference in what you say but it might make a difference in how you say it.

And that can be just as impactful.

6 ways to handle being overwhelmed

Confession: Other bloggers intimidate me.

Within the personal finance blogosphere, as well as the other niches, there exists a tremendous amount of talented, smart, witty, and ambitious bloggers. These bloggers consistently write quality content, and engage with their readers on a daily basis. With quality interactions, too, not just half-assed ones! They can be found supporting other bloggers, big and small, have legions of dedicated fans, see their posts mentioned on major sites, and yet they remain painfully humble. And, on top of that, they are always creating something new–podcasts, YouTube videos, courses, eBooks. They are some of the most productive people I have ever encountered.

What I look like when I’m overwhelmed. Except not a man.

And that intimidates the shit out of me. Because no matter how hard I try, I cannot keep up. Even at my best, I’m about half as productive as so many other bloggers despite the fact that I have a host of projects I’d like to complete. I have the ambition, I have the drive. I’m just terrible at maximizing my time to the best of my ability. When I sit down to work, I’m extremely productive. I get shit done. But I also have a problem of getting sidetracked very easily. Mainly because when I think about all that I want to do, I get overwhelmed. And when I’m overwhelmed, I become paralyzed. And when I’m paralyzed, I stop being productive and decide that I’m not going to get anything done anyway and I’ll never be as good as the bloggers I admire so why bother even trying.

So that’s healthy.

However, I’ve been trying to overcome the paralyzed sensation I get when overwhelmed. When I get like that, it’s easy to cycle back into my depression which would be terrible because we know that I won this round. Since I don’t want that to happen again, I’ve had to employ some strategies that, when I get overwhelmed, I can use to refocus and start working again.

  • Ignore the “be everywhere” philosophy. I know that many disagree, but for me, being everywhere isn’t for me. I can’t do it, and part of what was overwhelming me was seeing how many bloggers are, in fact, everywhere. I admire and respect them for that but trying to do that was too difficult. I would get frustrated that I couldn’t be everywhere for whatever reason and that frustration would lead me to throw my hands up and utter “fuck this. I can’t do it”. So, I stopped trying to do it all. I accepted the fact that I can only be in one or two places and I’m fine with that. 
  • Determine priorities. Once I ignored the “be everywhere” philosophy, I needed to decide what is important to me and what isn’t. I decided I had no interest in creating my own podcast (although being a guest is fun) nor do I have an interest in creating YouTube videos. But I like writing. That’s what I’m good at and it’s what I want to do. So I’ve made writing my primary focus and my priority. 
  • Establish long term goals. I made a list of all the projects I would like start and/or finish. Then I narrowed the list down to the 4 projects that I thought were the most doable and realistic. I wrote them down in my notebook, and now, when I find myself getting off track or becoming consumed with something that’s not related to those 4 goals, I revisit the list and focus myself.  
  • Establish short term goals. I broke this down into two categories: blogging goals and project related goals. My blogging goals include tasks like guest posting more, reaching a certain number of Facebook likes, creating a master list of topics, creating a queue of posts, and some behind the scenes work that I need to finish. My project related goals are more tasks and/or objectives I need to complete in order to achieve the long term goal. For instance, I need to design a website for Bloggers Helping Bloggers, I need to copy and paste posts for an eBook and I’m participating in NaNoWriMo. 
  • Have a to-do list. But make it manageable. I know what my time constraints are; with a kindergartner at home, my life gets really hectic at times. To manage myself, I’ve always had a to-do list. But I realized that I was being unreasonable in the expectations I laid out of myself. I would put more on the list than was practical to get done in a day and then I would get pissed that I didn’t get as much done as I wanted. And sometimes I’d look at the list in the beginning of the day, see there was too much and take a nap instead. I am masterful at avoidance. But that starts the cycle all over again, which isn’t good. As a remedy I now make a weekly to-do list, taking into account my priorities, goals, and time constraints for the week.  
  • Forgive myself. I spent beaucoup time being angry at myself for not being able to keep up with other bloggers. But I know myself and my limitations and I know that no matter how hard I try, I just can’t do it. And I had to tell myself that it’s okay. I had to remind myself that I’m doing the best I can and that’s all I can do. I gave myself permission to stop being so hard on me. 
The other thing I’ve done is follow my own advice. I wrote a post over the summer about just starting somewhere. If you don’t know what to do or how to do it, just do one thing. So I do that. When I get really overwhelmed, I start by reading a few blog posts. Or writing a few paragraphs. Or going on Twitter or Facebook. Or looking at my to-do list. I just do something. Because once I start one task, it’s easier to move on to the next and the next one after that. Kind of like a task snowball.
And eventually, that task snowball starts to tumble down the mountain and knock me out of my paralysis. That’s when the real fun begins.
Readers, when you get overwhelmed, what do you do to break yourself out of it?