Jana Says

Living life from cover to cover

And then there was sadness

upOn April 4, I found out I was pregnant.

On April 15, I miscarried. 

It’s a strange thing, to have your heart full and broken in the span of 2 weeks.

The thing of it is, I was never supposed to be able to get pregnant again on my own. With this pregnancy, we defied the odds!

And then we became a statistic.

Members of a club we never wanted to join. 

 

 

 

Miscarriage grief is unlike any other. Because, unlike most other deaths, and it is a death, there’s not necessarily a cause. There isn’t anyone or anything to blame, and there’s no identifiable cause. It’s just something that happens. And without something or someone to blame, it becomes that much harder to comprehend. You want to understand why or how. And you simply can’t. 

And then it becomes your dirty little secret. You don’t want to tell anyone because you fear how they’ll look at you or what they’ll say or that they’ll start treating you differently. Because you’ve now somehow become broken or faulty. Now there’s something wrong with you. You’ve become less than. 

Less than what, I don’t know. But you feel less than. 

And that’s not even the hardest part. The hardest part is having to continue to live your life. Having to continue to live your normal, regular life paying bills and washing dishes and going to work and folding laundry and taking care of those around you who are still alive. To say it’s painful to go about your normal life when a literal part of you is gone is an understatement. You have to go on, though, because life has to go on. 

Even if you don’t want it to. And you won’t feel like you want it to. You don’t feel like life will be normal ever again. But every day it does get a little easier. You’ll cry a little less. You’ll be able to eat. You’ll be able to laugh. You’ll have moments where you forget it happened. Then you’ll feel guilty that you forgot or you laughed or didn’t cry. That’s all okay.

Own your guilt.

But then let it go. 

Because feeling guilty won’t help you heal. And that’s what needs to happen. You need to heal. It’ll probably take a long time. No one expects you to move on in a few days. Take as long as you need to heal. 

But allow yourself to heal. 

As for me, everything is still fresh and every day brings a new trigger. I’m still perpetually sad. I’m still working on granting myself permission to heal. I’m still working on looking in the mirror and not seeing swollen, red eyes. I’m still working on forgiving myself and God and whoever else I lashed out at when it happened. I’m still working on letting my husband help me, and I’m working on helping him and our daughter through their grief. I’ve got a long way to go, we all do, but I know eventually, we’ll be okay.

 

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30 Comments

  1. Linda sheridan

    I wondered where you were and was hoping everything was ok. So sorry.
    Healing lights and love to you and your family.
    Love, SMD’s momma

    Reply
  2. Marcie

    Oh hon, I’m so sorry. I have been there, and I know how hard it is to explain the hurt and the sadness to someone who hasn’t experienced it firsthand. If you ever need to talk, I’m here.
    Marcie recently posted…speculating is funMy Profile

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  3. Jpm

    I’m sorry I have been there as well. It sucks I still get angry sometimes sending you hugs. Wish I could do more.

    Reply
  4. Kay R.

    Oh babe I am so sorry to hear this. I know grief well so Im sending hugs and lots of prayers and positive thoughts.
    Kay R. recently posted…Wedding weekendingMy Profile

    Reply
  5. Revanche

    Jana, I’m so sorry. You and your family are in my thoughts.
    Revanche recently posted…Scent, memories, and avoiding the merchandising trapMy Profile

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  6. Amanda

    I’m so sorry, Jana. I truly can’t imagine. One day at a time.

    Reply
  7. SMD @ Life According to Steph

    I hadn’t heard from you and wanted to reach out but wasn’t sure if you just needed time with whatever it was. I was about to text you last night and thought let me just wait.

    And what a thing it was. I’m sorry. There are no words that provide comfort. I’m thinking of you and am here if you need to talk.
    SMD @ Life According to Steph recently posted…TWTW – the last one in AprilMy Profile

    Reply
  8. Kateri Von Steal

    There are no words. If you need to vent ever – please let me know. I’m here for you.
    Kateri Von Steal recently posted…Weekend – Speed Shopping – Lazy Sunday – Burn MakeupMy Profile

    Reply
  9. Teh Megan

    This just sucks. I’m sorry this happened to you and we’re always here to listen (rage rants or not).
    Teh Megan recently posted…All the faces…My Profile

    Reply
  10. Tia

    My heart breaks for you – sending positive thoughts your way. I’m a phone call away if you need an ear. XOXO

    Reply
  11. Kellli

    I’m so sorry even though I know you are probably tired of hearing it. Sending lots of hugs and warm thoughts xoxo.
    Kellli recently posted…How I Got HappyMy Profile

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  12. Sarah K

    Oh Jana… I am so, so sorry. I will be praying for you and your husband to find peace and hope after this terrible sadness.

    Reply
  13. Nadine

    Oh sweet friend, I am so sorry to hear this. There really are no words to say, but you are on my mind and I am sending hugs your way.
    Nadine recently posted…Weekend ShenanigansMy Profile

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  14. Mackenzie

    Oh Jana, I am so sorry for your loss. Hugs to you my friend and know that I am here if you need me. XO
    Mackenzie recently posted…Goodbye For Now…My Profile

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  15. lisacng @ expandng.com

    Oh Jana, I’m so so sorry to hear this sad news. Yes, to all the things you wrote about letting yourself heal and letting your husband help you, and you being able to help him and your daughter grieve. My thoughts are with you and your family.
    lisacng @ expandng.com recently posted…Weekly recap: highlights, favorite photo & workoutsMy Profile

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  16. Julia @ Grace Makes New

    So very sorry for your loss Jana. I can’t imagine. Praying for peace and strength for you and your family. I know we don’t know each other IRL but if you ever need to talk, I’m here! ::HUGS::
    Julia @ Grace Makes New recently posted…Weekend Recap: Staycation EditionMy Profile

    Reply
  17. Pauline

    Jana I am very sorry for your loss. I hope you are kind to yourself and allowing yourself just to be sad, before you try moving on, and that you have an understanding ear to listen without judging or trying to get you back faster than you are ready to.
    Pauline recently posted…Getting financially realMy Profile

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  18. Tonya@Budget and the Beach

    I noticed you were gone a bit and was worried. I’m so sorry Jana. I can’t imagine how you must be feeling. I wish I could give you a big hug. Take your time and we’ll all be right here whenever you need us!
    Tonya@Budget and the Beach recently posted…Vegas & Utah on a BudgetMy Profile

    Reply
  19. Kristen

    Jana, I am so so sorry. I cannot even imagine. If there is anything I can do please let me know. I am so sorry. xo

    Reply
  20. alyssa

    Oh, love. I’m so, so sorry to hear that this pain is what’s been keeping you away. I can’t relate, but I can offer my sympathy and as many virtual hugs and back pats as you can stand. <3

    Reply
  21. Ali A

    So sorry for your loss – I also admire your strength & bravery to write about this topic. :::hugs:::
    Ali A recently posted…AA turned 3 today!Ermaghhherd you guys – I knew my blog’s third…My Profile

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  22. Karen

    I’m so sorry Jana. I know it’s hard to keep on going and get up everyday when you just want to stay in bed and cry. It’s a sucky feeling that life is going on and you just feel like a zombie. I’ve been there : (
    It’s a long healing process and I’ll be thinking of you.
    Karen recently posted…What To Include On Your Amazon Author PageMy Profile

    Reply
  23. Lindsay

    Oh honey I’m so so sorry. Big hugs. Like others, I know I just “met” you recently but I thought you were a bit quiet but this explains it all. Take as much time as you need Hun.
    Xoxox
    Lindsay recently posted…My Weekend Adventures in Pet Sitting & Dog WalkingMy Profile

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  24. kathy@real talk

    BIG BIG HUGS xoxoxoxoxo. i’m so sorry that you’re going through this 🙁
    kathy@real talk recently posted…weekending and shizzMy Profile

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  25. Kerry

    I am so, so sorry Jana. Wishing you the space and time you need to heal and grieve. Big hugs.

    Reply
  26. Erin of TexErin-in-SydneyLand

    Jana, this is such a courageous and honest post. I think everything you said is so real and so true, and I hope you continue to work towards healing. Reread this post when you need to because you give some valuable insight and advice. BIG hugs from afar.
    Erin of TexErin-in-SydneyLand recently posted…Sunday’s Seven Snapshots vol.22My Profile

    Reply
  27. Shanon

    I’m sorry to read this. I did not realize how often this happens to women until it happened to me. It should be a topic we speak about openly so others know they are not alone while they are grieving. Thanks for sharing your story. I miscarried a week after I learned I was pregnant. Then, I got pregnant again a month later. It was a stressful, but successful pregnancy. Stay hopeful, because you never know how it will all work out. I went on to write for http://unspokengrief.com. It is a place where you can share your story and/or read others stories when you are ready. Be kind to yourself, healing is a journey. Best wishes.

    Reply
  28. caitlin @Candyfloss&Persie

    Wow, I’m so sorry. I love your words on this. Hugs.

    Reply
  29. Christina

    Oh Jana, I’m so sorry! I’m sending lots of positive thoughts to you and your family!
    Christina recently posted…Vacation DestinationsMy Profile

    Reply
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