Break time

It’s not a secret around these parts that I have depression. And lately, for reasons I cannot explain (but wish I could), it’s been coming at me in full force. As in, I’m chronically tired, have no motivation to do anything (including eat), randomly burst into tears at inappropriate moments, and generally don’t give a shit about anything. I’m doing my best to fake it, mostly for my kid, but I’m pretty sure at this point, even she can tell something is off. 

I haven’t felt this bad in a long, long time. And the harder I try to feel better, the worse it gets. My husband suggested that I look into getting a new therapist and, because he has to live with me, I think it’s probably a good idea. However, our new insurance starts in less than 3 weeks so it’s just a better choice to wait it out than start and have to switch everything with the doctor’s office. 

Which leaves me three weeks of floundering. 

And it means I need to take some time off from blogging. 

I just can’t keep up right now. The linkups and the posting and the commenting and all the other stuff, it’s just too overwhelming. And then I get frustrated and upset and angry and all the self-doubt and negative self-talk set in which sets off the depression even more. 

It’s an ugly cycle. One I’m trying to break. 

There’s also this: I have lost my blogging way. When I started blogging in 2011, I knew my purpose. I knew why I wanted to write and what I wanted to write about and I didn’t care about stats, likes, shares, comments, and followers. I wrote to get my message out. I wrote because I love writing. I wrote because I have an innate need to do so. And the last year, it’s gone awry. I don’t know who I’m writing for anymore or what my message is. I care about things that shouldn’t mean anything and don’t care about the things that do. The quality of my posts is declining and I’m becoming way too apathetic to be any sort of decent blogger.

You guys, my beloved and amazing readers, deserve more than that. 

I figure this is a great time to take a break. My daughter is off from school for two weeks, my husband has an entire week (9 days, if you count the weekends) off from work, and I’d like to enjoy being with my family every day instead of spending hours on the computer (something that I absolutely do because blogging, when it’s not giving me anxiety, is pretty damn fun). Not only that, I need to regain my purpose, my message, my reason for blogging. 

I can only do that if I step away.

Even though I won’t be here, I’ll be hard at work. I have plans and ideas that I’m fleshing out and when I do return, after New Year’s, I hope you’ll still be here and be able to reap the benefits of my hard work. I don’t want to give too much away but suffice it to say, the stuff that’s coming? It’ll be worth the wait. 

I’m not going away entirely. You might find me commenting on your blogs and I’ll still be sharing links on Facebook, posting pictures on Instagram, occasionally stopping by Twitter, and if you’re on Pinterest, you can follow me (and join my Blogging Friends group board. If you want. No pressure) so you won’t have to miss me too much.

Thanks for everything you’ve given to me this year. The support, the love, the friendships. My blogging experience has shifted so much over the last year and I’m excited for the direction it’s going. I can’t wait to share it with you. 

Have a wonderful Christmas, a happy New Year, and I’ll see you soon!

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Thank you, Kurt Sutter

Hey Kurt,

Can I call you Kurt? I feel like I can. You don’t seem like someone who goes by “Mr. Sutter” but then again, maybe you are and if that’s the case, then please pretend I started this by saying “Hi, Mr. Sutter” or “Dear Mr. Sutter” or something else formal.

I’ve been tossing around the idea of writing this after I watched the finale of Sons of Anarchy (as an aside, thanks for punching me right in the heart AND stomach with that one) but it seemed kind of weird, me writing you a letter on the internet for all the world (or more likely, my 14 readers) so I waited and then I thought about it some more and I realized that weird is right up your alley and here we are.  

I know you’ve heard this countless times but it bears repeating: Sons of Anarchy is one of the best shows on television. Ever. Period. I never thought I’d find myself obsessing over a motley, violent gang of bikers led by Lloyd from Undeclared  but I do. Daily. Still. And when anyone asks what shows I recommend, SOA leads the pack along with Friday Night Lights and Freaks and Geeks (I know. These shows make no sense as a group. On the surface. How they fit together is a discussion all by itself), and I thank you, along with the creators of the other two shows, for changing not only the way I watch television but for changing my expectations for what makes great TV. 

I’m pretty sure other shows I watch from here on out are screwed. It’s a good thing I’m no one of significance instead of a TV critic. 

I digress.

So, in addition to forever altering TV for me (and thousands of others, I’m guessing), here’s a few others thank yous I’d like to throw your way:

  • Thank you for being fucked up enough to create the idea of SOA.
  • Thank you for being open with all your addiction and career struggles and for continuing to bust your ass until you got hired to write for The Shield. I love that you were around 40 when that happened. I’m nearing 40 myself and I can’t tell you how much inspiration your story gives me.
  • Thank you for your temper, your Twitter tirades, and your ability to apologize for them when necessary. 
  • Thank you for using cast members from The Shield on SOA. There’s something oddly heartwarming about seeing those familiar faces, even if they get blown up by landmines or sport boobs bigger than mine. 
  • Thank you for turning the idea of what makes a good person on its head. I’ve long believed that doing bad things doesn’t necessarily make you a bad person. Jax proved that (even if he couldn’t see it himself).

But most of all, thank you for the seven seasons of Sons of Anarchy. Jax and SAMCRO will take up space in my head and heart for years to come and, much like I always wanted to know if Mr. Vernon did, in fact, know that Barry Manilow raided his wardrobe, I’ll always wonder what happened to Abel and Thomas and if Jax’s actions and choices achieved the desired outcome.

I know there are rumors of prequels and sequels and if they come to fruition, I’ll watch them with the same fanaticism (and maybe some skepticism) I did SOA. And if not, that’s okay, too. 

I’ll just keep making up the stories in my head.

I like to think you’d approve of that.

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Our family Christmas to-do list

I’ve discussed my favorite things about Christmas (recently, in fact. You can check that out here if you’d like). I’ll admit there are a few things I’m kind of Grinchy about, like Christmas music and the whole Santa thing is still weird to me (although I’m pretty good about it I have a confession: I can’t wait until my daughter is old enough to know better because keeping up the charade is exhausting) and by this time of year, I’m 87% sick of Christmas movies but I do my best to fake it until December 25th because of the child. It’s still magical and awesome to her and I have found that a little bit of faking it goes a long way in retaining the Christmas spirit when really all I want to do is punch an elf in the face. 

For myself, I try to focus on things like the smell of Christmas scented candles, 24 hours of A Christmas Story (another confession: we never actually get through a full showing of the movie. Over the 24 hours, we watch the whole thing. Just not actually at once), working on projects and crafts with my daughter, and enjoying the fact that my husband actually has some time off from work. And then there’s the little part about opening presents because, let’s face it, that’s pretty awesome. 

In addition to all that, we have a whole family to-do. Here it is:

Christmas list

 

 

We try hard to get everything on our list done each year, and while I’d like to say that it evolves every year, it doesn’t. However, for next year, I’m going to attempt to add “mail holiday cards” to the list. I’m horrible about it, my husband is even worse than I am, and while we always intend to send cards, we never actually do. But it’s the thought that counts, right?

For those who are interested, you can find how we make elf donuts here and how we grow candy canes here* (it is this time of year, I send an extra big thank you to Pinterest because I would not know what I’d do without it).

Also, here’s a song that’s on our Christmas playlist. This is the kind of song I can get behind.

  

*note about the candy canes: in the link, she grows cookie pops from tic tacs. I use green and red jelly beans, and buy the mini candy canes for the “in-between” stage before they grow to full sized ones. It takes a few extra days but it’s fun for the kid. Also, I don’t use the poem. 

**There’s a typo in the to-do list image. The correct title is The Muppet Christmas Carol. My bad. #toolazytofixit

What’s on your Christmas to-do list?

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Linking up with Megan and friends for Music MondaysMusic_Monday_Button_02

Friday favorites: Child’s birthday edition

We have a special guest poster today. She’s not a blogger, although she has posted before and she often makes an appearance in my posts because without her, my source material drops by about 50%. She’s also lucky she’s cute because if she wasn’t, there’s no way I’d endure the endless drives to cheer practice, the endless loop of Nickelodeon shows, and the constant barrage of questions at inconvenient times. 

Then again, I probably would […] Continue Reading…

Random acts of thought

Christmas is very soon. Hanukkah is even closer. And you know what’s before all of that? My daughter’s birthday. I’m a 100% unprepared for all of it. It’s making me anxious and sad and annoyed and nervous and I really need to get my shit together if I’m going to pull off anything decent in the next two weeks. 

Here’s what else is going on:

I am an emotional wreck over the series finale of Sons […] Continue Reading…