It’s not a secret around these parts that I have depression. And lately, for reasons I cannot explain (but wish I could), it’s been coming at me in full force. As in, I’m chronically tired, have no motivation to do anything (including eat), randomly burst into tears at inappropriate moments, and generally don’t give a shit about anything. I’m doing my best to fake it, mostly for my kid, but I’m pretty sure at this point, even she can tell something is off.
I haven’t felt this bad in a long, long time. And the harder I try to feel better, the worse it gets. My husband suggested that I look into getting a new therapist and, because he has to live with me, I think it’s probably a good idea. However, our new insurance starts in less than 3 weeks so it’s just a better choice to wait it out than start and have to switch everything with the doctor’s office.
Which leaves me three weeks of floundering.
And it means I need to take some time off from blogging.
I just can’t keep up right now. The linkups and the posting and the commenting and all the other stuff, it’s just too overwhelming. And then I get frustrated and upset and angry and all the self-doubt and negative self-talk set in which sets off the depression even more.
It’s an ugly cycle. One I’m trying to break.
There’s also this: I have lost my blogging way. When I started blogging in 2011, I knew my purpose. I knew why I wanted to write and what I wanted to write about and I didn’t care about stats, likes, shares, comments, and followers. I wrote to get my message out. I wrote because I love writing. I wrote because I have an innate need to do so. And the last year, it’s gone awry. I don’t know who I’m writing for anymore or what my message is. I care about things that shouldn’t mean anything and don’t care about the things that do. The quality of my posts is declining and I’m becoming way too apathetic to be any sort of decent blogger.
You guys, my beloved and amazing readers, deserve more than that.
I figure this is a great time to take a break. My daughter is off from school for two weeks, my husband has an entire week (9 days, if you count the weekends) off from work, and I’d like to enjoy being with my family every day instead of spending hours on the computer (something that I absolutely do because blogging, when it’s not giving me anxiety, is pretty damn fun). Not only that, I need to regain my purpose, my message, my reason for blogging.
I can only do that if I step away.
Even though I won’t be here, I’ll be hard at work. I have plans and ideas that I’m fleshing out and when I do return, after New Year’s, I hope you’ll still be here and be able to reap the benefits of my hard work. I don’t want to give too much away but suffice it to say, the stuff that’s coming? It’ll be worth the wait.
I’m not going away entirely. You might find me commenting on your blogs and I’ll still be sharing links on Facebook, posting pictures on Instagram, occasionally stopping by Twitter, and if you’re on Pinterest, you can follow me (and join my Blogging Friends group board. If you want. No pressure) so you won’t have to miss me too much.
Thanks for everything you’ve given to me this year. The support, the love, the friendships. My blogging experience has shifted so much over the last year and I’m excited for the direction it’s going. I can’t wait to share it with you.
Have a wonderful Christmas, a happy New Year, and I’ll see you soon!