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My completely rational irrational fears

I originally posted this almost two years ago. But since I’m in San Diego this week, and many of you are new around these parts and might have missed it the first time around, I’m resharing. You can also read part 2 when you’re done!

One thing I’m more than happy to admit about myself is that I have many, many fears. Some of them are completely rational. Most of them are not. In fact, not only are they completely irrational but most of them are completely avoidable. Yet they continue to plague me, sometimes on a daily basis. 

I couldn’t even tell you WHY I fear these things. My time would be better spent living in fear of things that are real, like the black widow spiders that live in my neighborhood. Or the threat of a gas build-up in my house because the knobs on the stove like to turn on ever so slightly on their own (you know, not enough to start the burner but just enough to let the gas seep out). Or my neighbors being involved in a drug related shooting because I’m 99% sure they’re running drugs out of their garage. 

Nope. Instead, I find myself living in fear of:

  1. Horses. They’re gigantic and unpredictable and they pretend like they’re all sweet and awesome but really, I’m pretty sure they’re plotting against me and they’re secretly violent. When you’re that big and a fly can scare you, you need to stay the fuck away from me. Also, when I meet someone who also doesn’t like horses, we’re instantly BFFs. Because THEY GET IT.horses
  2. Setting my hair on fire. My favorite, and pretty much only, part of my appearance I like is my hair and I do almost nothing with fire. So of course I’m paranoid that I’m going to get involved in a Michael Jackson-like incident.
  3. Barbecues. Not the social events but rather the physical grill that you use to cook the food. I will not go near ours, not even to turn it on, because I fear singeing my eyebrows off and I won’t let my family use any of the ones in public areas because I’m convinced people pee on them. It’s useless to convince me otherwise. 
  4. Drive by shootings. I live in the sticks, across the street from a farm, and my neighborhood sits on a golf course. In other words, prime locations for a drive by. See also: being abducted.
  5. My cat being eaten by a wild animal. This one is not completely ridiculous. I have an indoor/outdoor cat and living in the country means there are all kinds of animals living outside, too. But she sleeps inside almost every night and she’s crazy fast and agile and she didn’t die during the 2 weeks she was missing. But the fear is real.
  6. Losing my teeth. I do not come from a long line of people with good teeth so genetics are not on my side. Despite how meticulous and ridiculous I am about oral hygiene, I can’t help but think that one day, all my teeth will fall out. 
  7. A car falling into my windshield. Specifically when I’m driving behind one of those trucks that hauls all kinds of different cars and all the cars look like they’re one bump away from coming loose. Can’t they secure them just a little  bit better? Like with chains instead of tape?
      

    My personal horror movie

  8. Tunnels. If you ever want to see my knuckles turn stark white or see me stop breathing, drive through a tunnel with me. I have an immense fear of the walls caving in and/or getting stuck in one. True story: when I drove from college to Key West with some friends for spring break (remember this one, Steph?), I had to drive through the Fort McHenry Tunnel (outside Baltimore). I wouldn’t let anyone speak for the entire duration we were in the tunnel. It makes me that crazy.Instant fear. Just add traffic and high speeds.
  9. Birds. Also bats. Not only do I fear them nesting in my hair and shitting on me, I’m confident they carry all kinds of diseases and I want no part of that. Another true story: one summer, when I was a sleepaway camp counselor, a bat got into our cabin. I hid under my blanket and let my campers fend for themselves. Because fuck them and that bat.

This is actually my nightmare:

:

2016 update: The bathtub crashing through the floor and landing in the kitchen, mowing off my toes, falling into my washing machine (it’s a top loader, very deep, and I am short. This is a terrible equation), and every single unidentifiable bug or spider that leaves near my house.

Now that you all know how I’m sufficiently crazy, what irrational fears do you have?

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Bus boy, bartender, ladies of the night…

I am not what you would call “career focused”. Don’t misunderstand; I take my work seriously and I do my best (well, usually). But being CEO or some high powered, high priced fill in the blank has never been important to me. And I’ve also had a slight lack of focus for much of my working life. It wasn’t until recently that I’ve finally put it all together into a job that not only I’m good at, but I’m completely equipped for and motivated to do and work towards that proverbial C-suite (even if I truly never want to be in the C-suite because that means pants and pants are stupid). 

While I’ve been traipsing around the working landscape, it also occurred to me that there are a good number of jobs that I would be 100% completely and utterly terrible at. I asked my husband for input on this list as well and here’s our top 10:

  1. Golf caddy. Not only do I hate golf but as The Husband put it, I’d get asked “what club should I use” and I’d reply “I don’t fucking care”. 
  2. Pirate. The energy that goes into being a pirate just seems excessive. Plus, I don’t really like boats. 
  3. Cult leader. Unless it’s the leader of the “do whatever the fuck you want” cult, I’m not cut out for that kind of leadership. My husband is. It’s actually a tad scary.
  4. Boxer/MMA fighter/Ninja. I’m too clumsy to be a ninja and as for the other two, well, I’ll leave that to people like Kathy who are in shape.
  5. Sport announcer. I like sports. I just don’t want to announce them. Also, I lose focus easily and my co-host would be all “DID YOU SEE THAT?! THAT WAS THE PLAY OF THE YEAR!”  and I’d be all “Nope. I missed it. I did see that bird over there, though”.
  6. Reality show star. A) Is that even a real job (The Husband says it is)? and B) I don’t want to be famous.
  7. Farmer. Probably one of the most difficult jobs around. I, however, don’t like to get up early, I’m too lazy to garden, and barnyard animals smell terrible. Hard pass.
  8. Long haul trucker. I have a terrible sense of direction. I’d take a wrong turn, end up God knows where, and abandon my truck and whatever I’m hauling. 
  9. Prostitute. Diseases and going to jail aside, I’m not good late at night and I’m not really great at pricing my services either. A pimp seems like it’d be the way to go here but I feel that could get tricky (no pun intended but LOL at my terrible joke anyway) without a contract and unless we’re hitting up Saul Goodman, probably won’t be able to get that done. 
  10. Hedge fund manager. What the fuck is a hedge fund? 

Then we had this conversation:

Husband: I do think you’d be an excellent executioner? 

Me: Like in the old days? When you chopped people’s heads off?

Husband: No, now. You’d be good at pushing the switch for the electric chair. 

Me: I disagree but we can debate that if you’d like. I’m open to a new perspective. 

(P.S. For the record, I would not be good in this position. I have strong opinions about the death penalty and the moral, legal, and ethical issues surrounding it but for the sake of this post, let’s just see the humor in the conversation.)

Oh, and here’s the song the post title comes from:

What jobs would you be terrible at?

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Friday Six-Pack: Reset the counter

It’s been quite awhile since I’ve done a weekly recap but I figured maybe I should start that again. Maybe I’ll even begin including pictures (insert collective gasp)!Friday Six Pack

Not too interesting of a week but there were some highlights:

  • I bought planner stickers. They were on sale and I get jealous of Kathy and Rebecca Jo‘s pretty planners so I figured for $3, what the hell. Now I own the stickers and I don’t know what to do with them. Suggestions?
  • Mr. Robot is the biggest mindfuck of a show in the history of ever and I watched LOST. Just when I think I get it, I don’t. But damn, Craig Robinson, are you good at being creepy and my 15 year old self loves seeing Christian Slater every week.
  • Last weekend, my town had a big craft beer festival to support our historic preservation society or something like that. So we went. I had fun, despite the 8 billion degree weather and despite eating tacos from a stand advertising “Taco’s” (At first, I did refuse to eat from there due to the poor grammar but you know…drunk) and despite eating tacos rather than Old Bay tater tots. I did successfully avoid using the portapotty and I made some new friends. Many wins for me!
  • I finished The Life Changing Magic of Not Giving a Fuck by Sarah Knight. You guys. READ THIS FUCKING BOOK. If you listen to The Armchair Librarians, you heard me discuss it and I’ll do so in-depth for the next Show Us Your Books but expect many references to this book around these parts in the near future. 
  • Speaking of books, my next library haul is going to be nuts. So many books, so much diversity in topic, and one of them is Lady Cop Makes Trouble!!!!  IG post coming as the books roll in (not following me on IG? You should!) or after I hit the library at some point today, depending on how many are there. 
  • The child is now the proud owner of an iPhone. I’m not prepared for this. Also, does anyone else not give a fuck about the iPhone7? I’m quite happy with the 6 and I am in no rush at all to buy the new one, especially before others buy it and I hear feedback. I might wind up getting one when the times comes for an upgrade on my line but I don’t care enough to make it a priority. Mostly because it’s a fucking phone. 

A funny:

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Enjoy your weekend! I’ll be celebrating my mother-in-law’s 60th and a childfree Friday night while she’s at some cheer team bonding sleepover thing. Hope you do something fun, too!

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Yes, I love Rush: An explanation

One of the most common questions I’m asked (only when it comes up in conversation. People don’t run around asking me this question out of nowhere because that would be fucking weird) is Rush is your favorite band?! WHY?!

And yes, it’s true (well, Rush and Shinedown. But this post is about the former). They have been for more years than I care to admit. I’ve seen them 4 times, own in some form a […] Continue Reading…

Show Us Your Books, September edition: The one with the buzzy books

Remember how I said that August was going to be Westerns month? That declaration was slightly premature. While I had (and still have) several Westerns on my nightstand’s TBR pile, I only read one. Well, two if you count the DNF. Rather, this was the month of “it” books. I read three popular, much buzzed about books which is unusual for me (oh, and I’m currently reading a 4th. Review on that next month). 

The […] Continue Reading…